Dove of Hate

Straight Buggin' Yo!

2009-07-09T06:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended The Festival of Lights at Del Crary Park here in Peterborough. The Festival has been running for 23 years and provides free musical entertainment for the public on Wednesday and Saturday nights. Initially there was an illuminated boat show in the lake after every performance (hence the lights angle) which was replaced by a fireworks display. Fireworks have started to strain the budget a little so they are no longer the grand finale to the show. So where are the lights coming from now? Maybe it's the glow necklaces they sell for a few dollars a pop at the gates or perhaps the cell and smart phones that dot the lawn during the performance. I'll keep looking and let you know.
The Proclaimers gave a brilliant performance last night on the Festival stage. Jolene and I got there fairly early so we were sitting pretty close to the front. I was safely sequestered away from some of the more interesting foot traffic that skirts the perimeter of the event. From a distance I could see the tube topped/bra strapped set and the wife beater alliance jostling their way through the crowd.

The show was great but I needed more! I went straight home and checked out the Peterborough Examiner online. The Dove has been pretty lax over the past few months, but nothing has surfaced that has really grabbed her interest. However, finally, last night in the Local News Section, there it was a familiar headline Man jailed for drunken misbehaviour.
Granted it's a headline that can be fairly mundane, but not this time. It delivered a slam dunk for this little birdie!

Apparently this young gentlemen, Larry Miles, was attending a party at a local hotel, with his "plus one" concealed in his pants pocket. As the night rolled on he discovered that his "little friend" was no longer in his pants. He lost his mind when he realized that he had lost his insect (no that's not a cute name for anything). He truly lost his insect, apparently it was a cockroach. Upon discovering his loss he proceeded to urinate on the belongings of others and threaten fellow party goers with a knife. You know what they say about a boy and his cockroach...
Anyway Larry was arrested the next day and charged with various offences.
It makes me wonder if he would've "Walked 500 Miles" for his roach?

B-'spot Straight Trippin' on da Northern Grind.

Springin' in da Hood!

2009-03-25T11:07:00.001-07:00

Ah yes, spring is in the air!
Can you smell it?
The delicious tang of rotting milk assaulting your senses as you casually stroll on Bethune street behind the Baskin Robbins ice cream plant. As the temperature rises, garbage stains begin to emit their foul reek for all to enjoy. Nothing like the Spring thaw to show that the whole freakin' town is in desperate need of a bath.

In Canada, we sand and salt our roads to make winter driving less treacherous and come spring time we have about two inches of mung lining our roadways. It carries over on to the lawns and boulevards. The street sweepers have been out kicking up dust clouds and it looks like it's going to rain soon; mud pies for everyone!

Snow covers the filth and provides countless winter activities. Winter snow, and the cold that often comes with it, serves another important purpose. It sends the local thieving dirts into hibernation.

I knew it was Spring long before I even looked outside the other day. I just had to read our local newspaper to see those familiar tell tale signs. Headlines like; "Goods stolen from home", "Cash stolen" and the ever popular "Thefts from vehicles" are starting to appear. A sure sign that the local criminal set is starting to flex their atrophied limbs before embarking on the really big heavy thefts of TV's, stereo equipment etc. They're wise, they don't want to strain themselves after a long winters siesta so they start small. News of the theft of change from cars, ipods, cellphones, small things that won't cause any kind of muscle strain is slowly trickling into the "In Brief" section in the local rag.

I see them, emerging ever so slightly from their parkas; casually exposing their gaunt frames and pale flesh to the sun. Casing the neighbourhoods, checking to see who has replenished after they were robbed last year. They're on scouting missions for their next victims, now that the fair weather is here.

As I jogged through the gritty streets this morning I saw another tell tale sign that Spring has sprung. Vagrants were drinking their pre-lunch brewski's on the railroad bridge behind no-frills; King cans for as far as the eye could see. As I cut through the parking lot at Del Crary park I crossed paths with a gentleman who was coming home with his groceries, 12 cans of wildcat beer and a stick of pepperoni. I was reminded of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys and I wondered if he had any galapeno chips at home to complete his meal?

B-spot runnin' through the grime on the Northern grind!

Awaken the Dove

2009-03-24T10:44:00.001-07:00

After a long winters nap the Dove of Hate is eating berries and drinking malt liquor readying to drop a steaming deuce of justice on Fox's Red Eye crew!

I tried desperately to stay out of the Fox News Red Eye debacle, but I can't take it anymore.
The host, whose name escapes me, made some exceptionally nasty remarks regarding the Canadian army taking a break after they leave Afghanistan in 2011. This dummy and his cast of morons proceeded to mock the Canadian army, our weather and police force for about 4 minutes. I realize that they were probably tired since it was 3am (how else would these niblets get on tv) but their comments were ill timed as 4 more Canadian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan, bringing the total so far to 116. I'd get into how the first Canadians were killed during this effort; but I don't like to point the finger.
Personally I'm not a big advocate for the military or combat. I do have a great deal of respect for those who fight and sympathy for those who have died and the families they have left behind.

One of the penile implants on this show actually said he didn't know that Canada was in the war.
Another went on to say that we don't even have a police force. We just had the Mounties with their bright red jackets. Actually we have federal, provincial (like ur states)and municipal police (that'd be ur cities and towns). The RCMP fulfill rolls at all levels of policing in Canada. The red uniform is the dress uniform of the RCMP, they're day to day uniforms are more like those of your average police department. Oh, and they drive cars too.

The kind of ignorance these mouth dribblers possess makes me sad. It's different if it's a group of children who don't have the tools to educate themselves. These people are adults and are capable of filling in the blanks in their mind grapes by reading a book or hitting the Internet for information.

Anyway, the actions and words of these mongo's have sparked a great deal of controversy in Canada. Most of the comments I've read are fairly passive aggressive, yet some are pretty nasty and violent. A lot of the comments on news sites refer to the Americans as being a stupid people. I don't subscribe to generalizations, I have friends and relatives in the U.S. and they are not dummy's. Unless of course I call them dummy's as a term of endearment, and you know who I'm talkin' bout dummies.
I recently got back from Trenton, New Jersey where I partook in the viewing and debauchery of the St. Patty's day parade. While in the alley next to the local Irish pub, the Tir na nOg ,I met a young American with a backpack full of Budweiser. He told me he'd been to Canada twice and he couldn't get over how clean it was! He claimed to be a bit of a history buff. This "Apple Faced Goon" got on some tangent about how Canada never was involved in any wars. He told me Canada had been neutral in both World Wars. I told him he was incorrect. He swore up and down that I was misinformed. I felt the impulse to punch him in the throat growing ever stronger. Violence not being the Canadian way, I chose to walk away. Sadly he proved to be very dumb. I can only hope that, after nearly feeling the sting of my death grip, he took the time to educate himself as to the truth about Canada's involvement in WWI and WWII, but then again he may not believe it.

Anyway As a Canadian, people often say we have no culture and that our history is boring.
Maybe we don't run into every battle guns blazing but that, to me, is part of our culture, we're renowned for our peacekeeping efforts throughout the world and our ability to take the abuse and ridicule that often comes our way. If that's boring and lacking in culture...than sign me up!

So educate yourselves dummies or I'll get all Laura Secord up in ur wheelhouse!
B-spot all up in dem gutts!

Ass Hammers of the Week

2008-12-15T16:18:00.001-08:00

Well kids the Dove is trying to get into the Christmas spirit but the skizz wad element in the Patch is really starting to make 'er old wings droop. On Saturday some fine upstanding citizen clipped the drivers side mirror on my car, don't worry they didn't leave a note or anything. I wouldn't want to have my faith in humanity restored so close to Christmas or anything.

In light of recent events around the ranch (namely having my purse and other property stolen from my home) I can safely say I lost my mind when I saw it. WTF?! The only thing that has started to calm me down is knowing that they're car was crappier than mine and they left a big piece of it behind. I'm going to have it bronzed and mounted on my hood, Mad Max style. The Dove has all scofflaws in it's sights and is ready to unleash a foul torrent of stink on command!

With the help of Jolene and some screws and Black Duck Tape (Yeah it's Duck Tape Glenda! WHUH!) I'm able to commute to work safely for now. This bitch needs her freakin' mirrors brahs!

Fortunately I found something in today's paper that, though it irked me to no end, made me laugh at the ignorance of those who chose to break the law.
Peterborough is home to Canada's canoe museum. It's housed in what use to be the Outboard Marine Factory Offices on Monaghan road. My dad worked in the factory at Outboard for many years until it closed down and went down Mexico way. Though the building is not much to look at from the outside it is a fantastic museum and I highly recommend that you check it out when you're in the hood.
Anyway....on Saturday night a couple of pranksters cut down a live coniferous tree on the property. That's a pretty shitty thing to do...I don't care if they thought it was just a prank, they killed a tree and a little Christmas spirit to boot.
Thankfully, unlike most of the petty crime in this town, there was a witness who called the police. They came and located the dastardly duo in the parking lot at a local Tim Horton's, about half a block from the museum. I apologize for the lack of clarity in the following picture...the canoe museum sign can be seen on the far left, in the background you can see a cluster of signs, if you look really hard you can see the yellow and white of the Tim Horton's sign. Yes folks it's that close to the scene of the crime.

Knowing that these two jackasses were caught red handed has perked the Dove up a little bit. Don't worry the Dove is always locked and loaded to squirt a shower of deuce on the wamblers of the universe. Fa la la la la, la la la splorch!

B-low on the cold northern front!

Under the N-toxicated!

2008-11-18T05:11:00.000-08:00

Finally two of my favourite things are coming together right here in Peterborough. Bingo and Booze!

Imagine my delight as I scraped the sleep from my eyes to read the joyful news. I had to pinch myself to see if it was real. The local bingo hall (which use to house a roller rink) is now serving spirits! Yippee! And I thought nothing good was going to happen today.
No longer will this past time be associated with tea drinkers and church basements...bring on the kegs and the house wine cause, "its gonna get raw in here like sushi", so dabbers to the left!
Apparently Peterborough's bingo hall is the first one to obtain a liquor license, since the government brought in legislation making it legal to serve alcohol at these venues in 2007. Proving once again that Peterborough is a trail blazing community.

The owner says "It's an experiment. You try this, you try that; what works you keep, what doesn't you boot,"..."It's a learning thing." Now there's a business owner who knows the community and his clientele. He's definitely gonna have to keep his boots handy!

Later haters!
B-spot under the O for out! WHUH!

Did somebody say Amazing?

2008-10-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

You bet your sweet bibby they did!

Finally after years of seeing him only on TV talk shows like Carson and Letterman, I got to see "The Amazing Kreskin" up close and personal right here in the Patch!
(If you have to ask who Kreskin is...you might want to climb out of your hole and check out the link).

Screamworks(a Halloween Spooktacular) was in town to frighten the locals (in a good way) over the weekend and the highlight was over 2 hours of face time with a living legend.

It's hard to believe that a livestock auction barn, that doubles as a flea market on the weekends, could play host to such a magnificent talent. Once Kreskin took the stage the faint smell of cow dung dissipated and was replaced with the sweet smell of awesomeness.

Sadly the acoustics were a bit crap...lets face it...unless you're auctioning off meat (that can walk home with you) this venue was not meant for microphones and loud speakers.
When Kreskin first graced the stage he sprung from behind the makeshift curtain in his sassy silk shirt to the wild applause of about 150 locals sitting on stackable chairs on the cement floor. Immediately the microphone started crapping out and at one point caused the speakers to feed back so violently that Kreskin temporarily lost his hearing in one ear. He was visibly shaken by the ordeal but in true showman style he continued on with his performance, despite the protestations of the audience members urging him to take a break.

His tireless wit and repartee was truly mesmerizing. I was absolutely delighted with his performance. He executed awesome card "tricks" and using the power of suggestion gained control over about 20 volunteers from the audience. He picked up thoughts from individuals in the audience, rhyming off their birthdays and names of loved ones, and performed the famous check trick, where audience members hide his check and if he can't find it he doesn't get paid. He never ceased to amaze the crowd.

To add effect, during the show, Mother Nature let loose with a severe thunderstorm. Rain and hail pounded down on the tin roof of the auction barn and thunder rolled ominously outside.

Everyone did their best to put this show on, under challenging circumstances and the crowd was not disappointed. I was surprised at the smallish size of the audience. I know it was a school night...but $17.00 to see a living legend! How could you pass that up?

Kreskin is a true showman void of pretension, full of energy and heart.
I can't wait to see him again!

B-Dawg on the Amazed front!

*I apologize for the quality of my pics...I was using Jolene's camera and I'm not use to the settings...normally I would use my own point and click but some douchebag stole it from my house.
(PS. you suck douchebag who stole my purse)

What's mine is yours? CFMF'ers!

2008-10-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

Well bro's and ho's it's been another banner weekend in the Patch.

To start it all off some dirty, slippery, pissant broke into my house and stole my purse. Not just my wallet, my entire purse which contained my cell phone, camera (which I use to take awesome shots of local bullshite) and my crappy sports watch...that I just happen to love in a not so healthy way. I gotta say I'm not as upset as I should be. It's a little unnatural...

I've had my wallet stolen twice before back when I lived in Toronto and they were stolen off of my person while riding public transit. Maybe that's why "I don't do public transit."
Sure It made me feel violated and dirty but not like having some bottom feeder come into your house and take only one thing. Like they knew exactly what they were looking for...dirty douche(s).
I have to apologize to the criminal because I'm sure they were excited to get a cell phone, until they found out I'm a "pay as you go" customer...I only buy like 30 minutes at a time so I guess they couldn't reach those Malaysian hookers they were trying to get a rise out of.

I'll really miss my wallet...it was unique and immature and I quite loved it. It was just your
standard wallet but it had the same cartoon picture as this mug has on the front of it. I'm not a vindictive ex-boyfriend hater...the sentiment just makes me laugh. That wallet made me giggle every time I saw it...and I got alot of compliments on it. Maybe the clerk at the Mac's milk complimented the robber on its cleverness as they completed a transaction for a carton of cigarettes with my Visa card....I hate to think of some pasty faced grease ball (male or female) touching the contents of my purse. The pictures of my nephew, my Happy Bunny dayplanner, my filthy old Timex sports watch....
My actual purse was not high end but I was fond of it too...but most of all I'll miss my LED dolphin light/keychain that made errant dolphin squeals when you pressed the button. I hope you dirty mf'ers enjoy my new watch battery...I hope it explodes in your eyes and burns your dirty little sole.

So suck it monkeys the Dove is loaded and ready for action and this time it's personal. I've got a douchebag seeking missile of slimy deuce action heading your way!

B-low on the burgled front!

P.S. I hope you choke on an altoid you CFMF'er(s)!

PT Loser

2008-10-16T15:42:00.001-07:00

Alright the Dove has been on a brief hiatus, only coming out to drop some serious deuces on the knucklehead population. Hard to believe the Dove has slept through the Canadian election...yes the dirty ol' boys club did regain power...with a greater majority than last time ...yipes! That hurts my mind grapes.

Right now the weather in Canada is a little up and down. Last week we were sweating our baggage off and the leaves were changing colour. This week hurricane like winds are ripping the leaves from the trees and depositing them willy nilly. The temperature is dipping near the freezing mark and I'm forced to wear socks. It just ain't right!
But you gotta take the crunchy with the smooth so like all good Canadians I take it all in stride.

Most mornings when I get up my car is covered in a dewy film that is every so close to frost and I need to use the defroster and turn the heat on to keep a full body chatter from gripping me.
By the end of the work day It's a little stuffy and hot in the old mobile and I crank the fan and put down the window.
Today was no exception. As I drove into the blinding sun on one of our main streets (Lansdowne) I opened the windows in the front of the car to blow the stink off. The warmth of the sun accompanied by the gentle breeze was simply divine. Until I was assaulted by some dumb ass noise pollution.
Lansdowne Street is four lanes wide (two going east and two going west). I was stopped in a line of traffic waiting for a light when I heard the voices of a disgruntled, entitled, douchie youth spewing from a maroon PT Cruiser.
First I heard this nasty phlegmy cough and I was intrigued so I couldn't tune out the tirade of stupidity that followed. I figured this little douchewad was going to hack up a lung. When he finished spewing lung butter he started spewing bullshite! What follows is a reasonable facsimile of what he said to his friend who was driving;

Douchewad 1: Insert sounds of lung rattle and mung production...."Yeah, so I thought fuck that! I'm not going to class today. I had a fuckin' rough night and they can suck it!"

Douchewad #2: "Um, humh."

Douchewad#1: "Yeah, so I smoked a blunt and I went back to bed!"

Douchewad#2: "Yup."

That's pretty much all I got because the light changed and we all know that Pt Cruisers are super fast! And I thought I wasn't going to hear anything good today...well pickle my giblets and call me Nancy!

So I have packed the Dove full of rotting Thanksgiving leftovers (Yes we have Thanksgiving in October so cram it!) and sent it on a quest for a maroon PT Cruiser containing 2 lads wearing baseball hats backwards, spewing bullshit and smokin' blunt! After the Dove gets its share an unholy torrent of deuce will be unleashed on these posers! We'll see who skips class tomorrow! Whuh!

B-spot out!

For the love of lite syrup

2008-10-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

Once again the people of Peterborough can rest easy knowing that justice has been served.

Early Thursday morning a local man wandered into a convenience store and nabbed a fruit cup. Without paying he macked that mf'er down and left the store without so much as a "bill me" or a, "this fruit cups on the man".

The clerk called police who later tracked this syrup junkie down. It sounds like they gave him the option of coughing up the $1.59 for the snack, you would think case closed.
Well apparently crime doesn't pay and neither does this guy.
All hepped up on lite syrup from his fruity snack he become belligerent and got all up in the officers grillz. His seemingly minor "snack attack" landed him with charges of resisting arrest.

Sadly this douche took valuable police presence away from the downtown after last call. No doubt a variety of ass hammers got away with jaywalking and punching road signs.

The moral of this story...never get between a man and his fruit cup.
It's a fact!
b-spot on the syrupy side

Hyberbole below the belt

2008-09-11T14:03:00.000-07:00

From the title of this post you're probably assuming that Jolene (my gentleman friend) has been exaggerating about his manhood again...no it has to do with the following headline from the Peterborough Examiner:

Cash stolen while man in washroom.

If Jolene were to exaggerate it would most likely fall under this headline from last week:

Five-foot python found downtown.

Anyway back to 'bid-ness'. I was drawn to the first headline by the sheer audacity of any criminal who would rob a man when his pants were down. “By audacity, I mean huuuuuuuubris overweeeening pride.” - Principal Blackman .
Is there a time when we are more vulnerable to attack then when we're on the crapper donating to the waste stream? I don't think so my friends. To further add insult to injury the man who was robbed was disabled. What kind of "no class Bobby Bass" would rob a disabled person while they were popping a deuce?
This incident took place at the public washroom in Peterborough Square (a.k.a. Peterborough Scare) our original indoor mall in the downtown core. A cesspool for the knucklehead set in the Patch.

The first line of this news article reads as follows "A 59-year-old man with a disability had his fanny pack ransacked in a washroom at Peterborough Square."
I want you to take special note of the word "ransacked." I don't know about you guys but when I think of something being ransacked it's usually bigger than a "fanny pack", like a freakin' duffel bag or an...apartment! Sure he "pillaged" the fanny pack but can't we find a more appropriate descriptors for this particular event? How about "he thumbed through" or "savagely eyeballed the contents of" for a start.
I truly feel bad for the gentleman who was robbed after he "placed his pouch on the floor." (That had to hurt)
But a fanny pack? Are you kidding me? If there's one thing I can't stand the sight of it's a fanny pack. On a man or woman it's just plain wrong. I know "live and let live" but somethings are just not palatable...don't get me started, don't even get me started!
Too late...
I hate fanny packs!
Yeah dudes! I'm not looking at your bulge when we pass on the street...it's the wad above your rod that makes me stare in disbelief.
Yeah I know, all you lovers of the crotch pouch are saying how you love to be hands free. No straps or back pocket bulges to hinder you as you cruise the strip in your acid wash jeans...well I've got news it ain't a good look for anyone. Also the word "fanny" means something very different in Europe...It's slang for a part of the female anatomy.

Maybe I'll do a woman on the street expose...Men who wear fanny packs and the women who put up with it! WHUH!
Sorry haters...I'm just really angry!
So be on the look out for the following pouch ravaging maniac. He "is described as white (can't a brother get a break?), 18 to 30 years old with black hair, clean-shaven standing about 5’ 8” with a thin build wearing brown pants and a white shirt." Note he was not wearing a fanny pack.

So the major Dove dump here is for the douche who robbed the disabled man with the fanny pack...but I can't help it if a little deuce juice trickles onto fanny pack wearers everywhere...the dove does not discriminate!

So if you've learned anything today; let it be that you should never put your pouch on the floor of a public washroom! Besides being uncomfortable it's unsanitary and just plain wrong.

B-low up the creek without a pouch

Sitemeter Queries

2008-09-09T14:44:00.000-07:00

Well brahs, it's been a slow news week in the Patch so I thought I would take this opportunity to share some of the searches people have used when they've stumbled upon the "Dove of Hate."
Most of the time it's nothing too alarming, I get alot of hits for "truly tasteless jokes" and "cj's country bar" (okay the cj's one does give me a chill but liquor calms my soul).

I recently found a search for "manly nipples" I'd like to thank my friends in Texas for putting that one out there. My personal favourite is from back in the winter "deuce chute"...that was ofcourse until recently.
The most awesome search words generally come from our friends in the United Kingdom. Now Peterborough Ontario is not the only Peterborough in the world. There is also one in the United Kingdom that I often come across when surfing the interwebs.

I think they spend alot of time googling weird shit in the U.K.. Personally, I can get behind that kind of pastime so mad props to the Brits!
I recently found "Peterborough song polish" and perhaps the most awesome recent search (pictured on the left) that originated in the U.K. "enema sins."*

I don't know about you kids but when did a warm gush of water up the poop chute (or deuce chute) become a sin? Sometimes you just need a little help to dislodge that stubborn chunk that's clogging up the whole works.
So keep the hits coming my friends across the pond and
have a warm sudsy one on me!

B-low unplugged

*photo jpg courtesy of the Chrisp cause I'm a mongo.

Random Musings

2008-09-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

First of all I'd like to give mad props to my peeps down in the "T" to the "ON" with the "RENT" in the middle "Trentonkat" and the "BF&A" for their recognition through the Trenton Blogwatch Noblog Awards. What can I say...you guys complete me. Without you I couldn't go on...all alone north of the border...sigh. Kudos Brahs!
(For these blogs check my sidebar or feel my wrath!)

Now for something completely different...
Yesterday I enjoyed a leisurely breakfast with some close friends and then walked down to a weekly Farmer's Market to fondle the produce. It was "firm and full" and well worth the walk.
Fortunately I had my camera with me and was able to capture this graffiti scrawled on the back of a broken bench, across from the methadone clinic, in the downtown core.
It reads "this isn't vandalism i went to art school."
If I were this particular graffiti artist I think I'd be asking for a refund. If my dad were here he'd say "don't quite your day job."
It's signed by Red Fox. Now it's conceivable that Red Fox may have relocated to Peterborough after his death and be haunting the downtown core. I often hear someone shouting "Lizbeth, I'm coming...this is the big one!" But he spells his name with two x's so it must be someone else. I plan on being extra vigilant with my camera, keeping an eye out for the next poignant missive from "red fox" the artist (I'm using that term loosely).
As I stated above this bench is across from our "methadone" clinic. The computer generated sign in the window is more discreet and refers to it as a pain management clinic. Addiction and pain suck so I'm glad there is means of support for people in recovery here in town.
Well except for the niblet who (allegedly) left his three 245 millilitre bottles of methadone on a city bus. He called the bus terminal but the methadone was not to be found. Yeah I think I've got an idea about where it might be...my mom rides the bus.

I was thinking about maybe spending a little more time in the downtown core until this headline further dissuaded me...

Five-foot python found downtown

Thankfully the manager of the local Humane Society has put my mind at ease with the following comment;
“It’s pretty unusual to have one that big running around,”... “This one definitely gets your attention.”

So are you saying that there are several pythons running around that are under 5 feet long that are not visible to the naked eye? I don't know about you bro but any snake, including Gardener snakes, gets my attention. (Insert gratuitous one eyed trouser snaked joke here...nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

He further went on to discuss the regulations around the ownership of exotic snakes.

Pythons are considered a restricted animal according to city bylaw, which requires a permit to own such a pet.

Several Peterborough pet stores sell about 40 to 60 snakes each month, but in his seven years with the humane society no permits have been issued.

“You can have the snakes as long as you have a permit,” he said.

I'm thinking that maybe you can have the snake with or without a permit. Considering none have been issued in the past seven years, yet 40 to 60 snakes are sold every month something doesn't gel.

So put on your deuce deflecting helmets and run for cover cause the Dove has been consuming a high fiber diet and can shoot on command.

B-low on the northern grind

Sweet Freedom!

2008-08-30T07:28:00.000-07:00

Peterborough plays host to many things. Last call bar fights, a seedy underbelly and more notably the Festival of Lights. The Festival is a series of free outdoor concerts on Wednesday and Saturday nights during the summer months, capped by a fireworks display. The Festival organizers attract an eclectic mix of talent to appeal to a variety of audiences. Performers such as cover artist "Elton Joel", alternative singer "Ron Sexsmith" and opera singer "Michael Burgess". The also host local talent and more well known bands such as 80's pop band "Glass Tiger". I apologize to my American friends who may not know who some of these people are...many of them are Canadian eh.

Sadly...for some "Glass Tiger" is not welcome back to the concert venue. According to one of the local organizers "most of the artists who performed this summer were polite and gracious, but this was not the case for Glass Tiger. The '80s pop group from Newmarket swore at staff, swore onstage at the family event and graffitied autograph tables with permanent marker."
Wow, how can we "forget you when you're gone" when you've left a permanent mark on our town. Did somebody forget to tell the guys with the fake Scottish accents that this was strictly PG. You can drop innuendo all you want but none of that in your face stuff! I have never been a big fan of Glass Tiger so there is no love lost for me. I say replace them with someone like Rick Fines or maybe even Blue Rodeo, really anyone...I'd like to see more of "Jimmy's light show" one of the buskers who walks around with his dummy. Even better, how about an all ages Karaoke night? I know the festival staff will fill the void with an awesome act! So put that in your backpack "Glass Tiger".
I digress...
August 23rd was the grand finale of the Festival and the line up was truly great. A Toronto band called "Hello Operator" did an awesome set for the crowd before headliner...wait for it..."Sweet" also known as "The Sweet" took to the stage. Sadly, not all of the original band members were alive to be there but their bushy haired spirits live on in the mane 'n tail of their replacements.We waited anxiously for them to peel off such hits as "Love is like Oxygen" and "Little Willy". They made us wait for it and even threw in a couple of new numbers to throw us off their scent. They played "Fox on the run", still we waited for them to plant "Ballroom Blitz" on us, or as my friend "E" referred to it,"bar room bash". Finally, after leaving the stage without a trace of "Ballroom Blitz" they returned for their encore...the anticipation was palpable...they played yet another small hit as we waited for the barn burner closing...my friend "D" leaned over and whispered, with a sense of impatience...."play the fucking song!" At long last they dropped it on us....since Andy and Mick were no longer with them it went a little like this..."Are you ready Steve? Steve? Stuart? Well alright....!" Oh yeah it was a ballroom blitz. Number one fans b-lined for the mosh pit and free concert hogs began to close up their lawn chairs and head for their cars. As the final notes left the band the sky was lit up with the grand finale fireworks. It was truly awesome.
The Festival of Lights is one of the truly great things about Peterborough. We do have alot of culture, not all bacterial. There is an art gallery, university and college and a bit of the granola edge throughout the Patch. Many local venues like the Montreal House and Dobro's play host to local talent. Peterborough isn't all about bar fights after last call.

Despite the rainy weather this summer the Festival organizers were able to plod on and deliver some great shows to their public.

As I sat watching "Sweet" I couldn't help but notice the crowd. There were young and old alike, some of which were just out for a free night of entertainment and had no clue what kind of an act they were there to see. Sweet was kind to the crowd but if you have any idea about 70's rock sensations in general...things are gonna get a little loud. Wawa pedals are going to be used. My recommendation is to sit well away from the speakers or stay home and watch "Matlock".
So today I'm oiling up the Dove of Hate to drop a steaming deuce on some people who took up prime real estate at the "Sweet" concert on August 23rd. (The following is from the Peterborough Examiner- note I copied it in a diarrhea colour to reflect my opinion of these individuals)

Sweet but loud

Most people in last Saturday night's Festival of Lights crowd enjoyed rocking out with Sweet, but two audience members sitting behind the VIP section weren't so impressed. They sat in their lawn chairs with their fingers in their ears for a couple songs, nearing the end of the set.

Yeah, performers love it when you do that. Thanks for coming out fans! I hope you hit some grey matter when you plugged your ears duffenheims!
So, haters, I advise you to get your fingers out of your ears and run for cover because the steaming deuce of justice is coming your way.

Later Haters!

B-low on the Sweet side!

Hoo Hoo's

2008-08-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

Alright, I haven't got alot to say about this one. I think the photograph speaks for me in many ways. My friend "H" and I were having an expensive coffee drink at the "Silver Bean" in downtown Peterborough when I noticed this word all alone, scrawled on a support beam.

Just "Vagina's". Nothing else. Like all this odd ball graffiti artist sees is "Vagina's" everywhere he/she goes..."Vagina's" not Vagina. Vagina with an apostrophe "s" implying possession. Like "Hey aren't those Bills vagina's over there?" A vagina philanderer or collector if you will...anyway I thought it was a little f'ed up and a little freeing. So I'm taking back the word like I took back the night...So keep your hands off my Vagina's!
Get your own "Vagina's"!!
WHUH! So put that in your nut sac!

B-low on the coolie front

Pump it up

2008-08-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

Alright deuces, I got something to say!
Today I had to take my car in for rustproofing (that's something we Canadians due because of the harsh winter conditions) to keep our rides from turning to dust by spring. I also had to shellac my igloo and get out my tire chains to prepare for the onslaught of winter...nuff said.

Since I was without my regular wheels I decided to ride my commuter bike to the YMCA to work on my pecs and my glutes. I prefer to take my commuter bike to public places where I will be locking it out of my view for long periods of time. My other bikes are never out of my sight in public places. Bike theft is quickly on the rise in Canada. Check out this CBC story about a dirty douche from Toronto who actually ran a bike store/bike theft ring. What an ass hammer!
Anywhore...
After I finished my intense workout I came outside to get my bike only to find that the front tire was completely flat. Fuckity, fuck, fuck!
In all fairness I do very little maintenance on this bike so I really do deserve to get a flat tire or have the chain crumble and turn to dust some day soon. I wasn't really pissed about the whole flat tire...I figured it was a slow leak and I could just get it pumped up at a local gas station and be on my merry way. First problem, finding an f'in gas station in this jerk water town. I swear to God there are like maybe 7 gas stations in Peterborough and they are not convenient unless your driving...which I guess is their perogative. I decided to head to the Petro Canada station at the corner of Lansdowne and Monaghan Road. It felt like it took me an eternity. I don't mind walking, but walking and pushing a dead weight kind of gets me down. I finally reached the Petro Can only to discover that those chiseling bastards wanted $1.00 for their freakin' air. Are you shittin' me? Who decided that one dollar was a fair price for one of the elements? I thought 50 cents maybe or hey it might even be free...like at the old Canadian Tire Gas Bar...but no Petro Canada wants to soak me for a dollar. Holy shit!
What could I do...I paid the $1.00 only to find that the front tube on the bike is totally screwed, chewed and barbecued. So put that in your back pack! Don't worry though I stood there and squeezed my total dollars worth of air...I want a receipt for that so I can claim it on my income tax under "BULLSHIT EXPENSES". So look out above you hairy, thieving bastards who put a monetary amount on air...the dove is locked and loaded and full of Taco Bell...Chalupa Poopa is flying your way now! WHUH!

My brolley G.. K-Why tells me that air only costs 75 cents in Jersey. That just might be enough incentive for me to relocate!
B-low on the northern grind!

Brown Disaster Aisle 5

2008-06-29T09:23:00.001-07:00

Okay deuces...you'll be glad to know that I was not deterred by my last visit to No Frills...my local cut rate grocery store. During that visit I saw a dirt-wad of masterful proportions riding his freakin' bike through the produce section.
This morning I decided to venture to my favourite grocery store...they stock all the awesome President's Choice products, often at lower prices than their parent store Loblaws. It's a muggy Sunday morning...the store shouldn't be too busy, with people attending church and/or sleeping off Saturday nights sins.
I scored big this morning...the cart I got was broken so it was free - normally you have to pop a quarter into the cart to rent it for your shopping experience. This tactic is meant to deter people from stealing the carts to take their groceries home in...I gotta be honest, 25 cents does not appear to be a high enough price to keep the carts on the lot. What would Bubbles do?
Anyway, I began my sojourn through the produce aisle and proceeded with ease to work my way through the store. I spotted a till that was ready for me to make my purchases and headed that way. Little did I know what awaited me there. I was behind an older couple and as I started to unload my groceries one of the girls from another checkout told me I must have shit on my shoe. Yeah I'm pretty sure she said shit...she didn't soften the blow with poop or dung. At first I thought I must have tracked it in from somewhere...until I looked around and saw several small piles around a pillar in the middle of the store...apparently the trail went all the way down the health and beauty aisle, ending at till 8 where I had the misfortune to step in it.
Yes folks...it was 100% adult human feces. Someone felt the urge to purge and couldn't stem the tidal flow of pooh until they got home.
The checkout girl called for someone to clean it...I gotta say no one jumped at the opportunity. I was there for about 10 minutes and they were still standing around debating when I left.
I gotta say I feel for the person who couldn't hold it...that's the shits literally and figuratively. What a terrible feeling...I am personally thankful for my excellent sphincter control and don't blame the person who let her rip. Shit happens.
What gets the Dove all worked up was the reaction of the one little scrag at the till. She couldn't shut her mouth about it. She felt the need to tell everyone who came through her till about it and by the looks on their faces they were all thinking twice about their purchases. She also thought it was hilarious that I had stepped in some of the run off and also informed her clients of this...until she realized I was still their...she then tried to act concerned about whether or not I'd been able to get my shoes cleaned off...just how was I to do that? I told her I'd have to take care of it later...dumb bitch.
Fortunately I had another pair of shoes in my car and I was able to segregate my shoes for the ride home...where I hosed them off with the garden hose.
So the Dove of Hate is brewing a bristly browner for the Express Checkout girl and the slow reaction of the cleaning crew, who were probably playing "rock, paper, scissors" to figure out who would clean up the dung trail.
B-spot on the fecal front!

Tour de Produce

2008-06-16T17:18:00.000-07:00

Alright folks it's time to get the Dove of Hate primed to drop a bristly browner on a total wankfest I encountered at my local grocery store.
I like to go the local "No Frills" in downtown Peterborough. You can get the goods for lower prices, you just have to bring your own bags and bag your own groceries. I like to slum it with the locals and save on luncheon meat so I gets jiggy wit it.
So this lovely Monday evening there I was minding my own business, pushing a shopping cart around the produce department when low and behold this ass-hammer comes riding his bike over to the potato display. Are you F*%kin' serious dude? It's a freakin' store...I don't want your shit-caked shoes let alone your mung infested bike rolling around on the floors. I'm not a psycho...but what the deuce? I couldn't frickin' believe it! You know what bugged me more...people were getting out of this assholes way so he could get through. Had I been closer I would've clotheslined him with some Polish Coil!
So look out above pale rider 'cause there's a brown cloud heading your way.
PS - Get a lock for your Supercycle and park it in the rack! WHUH!
B-spot on the edge

Picture This!

2008-05-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

Hey Brahs, I'm just calming my nerves after a battle with "the man". Actually it was a woman...but really it's all about the establishment and I get a little irate when people who are bestowed a nano-smidgen of authority treat the general public like they're total morons.

Our story starts with a 77 year old woman attempting to pick up a registered letter from the post office. This particular 77 year old woman is my mother and she has never possessed a piece of photo identification. She has never had a drivers license and she does not own a new healthcard. Here in Canada we have universal health care and our old health cards do not require a picture...if you lose your card or it is damaged you have to replace it with one of the newer cards that does have a photo.
My mother had difficulty voting in the fall due to this lack of photo ID as well and was nearly denied the right to vote. I digress...
Anyway having missed the postal persons knock yesterday my mother had to go to a local postal outlet to retrieve her letter. This letter contained my mothers new passport...which is photo ID. Taste that irony!
At the outlet my mother presented her notice for the registered letter and the woman behind the counter immediately asked her for a piece of photo ID. My mother replied that she didn't have any ID with a photo on it, but did posses several other pieces of ID to verify who she was.
The woman heaved a tired sigh and told her she could not have her registered letter...which contained her passport...which was photo ID.
She did offer a solution though...did my mother know anyone at staff at this particular store who could verify who she was? Or had she ever had any prescriptions filled at their drug counter? If so she could then release the letter to her.
Odd?
My mother answered no to both options and I piped up that I was her daughter and I possessed photo ID and I could verify who she was...I was flatly refused. To which I replied, "That's a bit ridiculous." I gotta say at this point I was getting really pissed off.
I found it hard to believe that someone who had filled lets say my moms medical marijuana prescription or checked her out when she was purchasing an enema could verify her identity, but not a family member with copious amounts of ID.

And then some other broad who was mailing things piped in with..."That's the way it is all over the world."
Number one mind your own business, number the deuce...if you're not going to help the situation cram it with walnuts douche-tard.
Then the female warlock behind the counter started going off on a rant directed at me stating that,"I wouldn't think it was ridiculous if someone stole my identity and then sold my house."
Okay, number one I don't have a house, number the deuce if a criminal is bent on doing something they're gonna do it...number the thrice if you don't know what I look like before you hand over something to me how do you know that picture coincides with that persons information?...How do you know that my identity hasn't already been stolen by someone who has made a fake picture ID? How do you sleep on your pointy hair?

The helpful mouth piece who informed me that photo Id was a world wide phenomenon said to take my mother to get a new health card, because she did that for her 90 year old mother.
Yeah you're right we should get a new health card, since the old one still works, that sounds like a great waste of government resources. Wow you're awesome.

After a few more rude and unapologetic comments from the postal representative (shocking I know!) we left empty handed.
When we got home my mother called Passport Canada and then Canada Post.
They both offered her a list of Id that would suffice (without pictures) in order for her to claim her letter.
She then called the postal outlet and informed the woman she had just dealt with of what she had learned from Canada Post. The woman then claimed that my mother had said she didn't have any ID at all and that she would have happily turned the letter over to her had she produced any other identification.
LIAR!
I was standing right there. The minute my mother said she did not have photo ID that was all she wrote, she presented no options and merely went on to extole the virtues of this requirement for avoiding fraudulent mail pick up.
They argued back and forth for awhile and then I took my mother for round two.
When we got to the counter my mother produced some address Id and went digging for her healthcard...the woman then informed my mother that she was to produce her birth certificate as she indicated on the phone...
LIAR!
My mothers birth certificate was in the envelope with her passport...she had to send the original to get her passport and had made that very clear. Finally after much eye-rolling and soul searching the lady finally relented and settled for a signature. She professed she was very worried about this affecting her job if she was doing something wrong...lady get off your high horse enough already. Finally she asked if she could open the passport to verify that my mother was who she claimed to be. The minute she saw the picture she breathed a sigh of relief that could have been heard round the county.
She then gave us a pamphlet outlining ID requirements and informed me that if eventually I would have to fill out some forms to complete my mothers postal transactions when she was incapacitated. Okay she didn't use the word incapacitated but it was implied and thoroughly inappropriate.

(It reminded me of the little douche at a local funeral home who took me aside after my dad died and told me I should start planning for my mothers funeral...
but that's another story.)

My point is that sure rules are rules but my mother is not the only one to fall into this category of not possessing a photo ID. She is not a criminal. Sure there are white haired fraud artists everywhere but merely asking for photo ID is not going to thwart the cunning of the criminal mind. I'm all about people doing their jobs and doing them well. But if you're working with the public you need to at least try and play nice.
That said I'm lockin' and loadin' the Dove of Hate to drop a curdled deuce of justice on people who let a crumb of power and control go to their pea brains! So watch the skies all of you power hungry fast food restaurant managers, government peons and middle managers...who have let a taste of power taint your environment the Dove has been holding it for a long time and it ain't gonna be pretty!
B-spot on the semi-anti-establishment front!
WHUH!

Truly Tasteless Jokes

2008-04-10T16:43:00.000-07:00

Every Monday night I take an endurance cyclefit class. It lasts for 90 minutes and our instructor often calls upon us to tell jokes to help pass the time between intervals. There have been a few drunken Irish/Scottish jokes and husband/wife jokes and I came out with this gem I'd recently heard to share with the group....
"What has 50 legs and 5 teeth?"

"The front row at a Willie Nelson concert"

Yeah it's a groaner, I didn't say I was some kind of superior joke teller, but if they really knew about the first thoughts that popped into my head in the joke arena they would probably have me psycho-analyzed and heartily beaten with a sock full of dung.

Whenever someone says..."Do you know any good jokes?" My mind immediately jumps to my youth and the truly tasteless jokes that we're burned into my brain during the 1970's and 80's.
For Example:
"Why did they cancel the lepers hockey game?"
Punchline "There were too many face-offs in the corners!"

Yeah it's not nice..but don't blame me, I didn't make it up.

Some people are able to rattle off topical jokes at the drop off a hat. Maybe they belong to a water cooler culture? Maybe they practice at home in front of a mirror just in case they are called on to perform.

I can't help it life is cruel and bad jokes are a right of passage so put that in your back pack.
So excuse me if when I'm asked to come up with a joke I immediately think of Helen Keller, Dead Babies and Lepers. I know that giggling at and repeating these jokes will earn me a special place in hell; where I will suffer from horrible facial and physical disfigurements, as well as reduced mental capacity. Don't blame me if life is cruel and bad jokes are a right of passage!
So put that in your backpack haters! WHUH!
And please...if you can remember any other truly tasteless jokes of your generation...be a dear and share them with the other souls of the damned!
B-spot...on the politically incorrect northern front!

The Old Man

2008-03-04T12:08:00.000-08:00

Excuse me while I get a little sentimental for a moment haters. It happens from time to time and it proves that despite what my mother told me, I do have a heart.
Two years ago on March 4, 2006 my dad died. He was only 73 years old. That's him on the left delivering the Peterborough Examiner in the 1940's. Did somebody say cuffs?
He was not an educated man or a wealthy man. He was a man of few words. The words he did chose were generally pretty fantastic.
Instead of saying anything to vulgar in times of unbridled rage he liked to blurt out the word "Balls!" Like if he dropped a nail through the boards in the deck he might scream out "Balls!" instead of the more common "Shit" or "Mofo" common to fathers of more recent generations. I gotta say the only person I ever heard use balls as a cuss word was my dad.
It's part of his legacy and I won't let it die.
He also had some dandy insults. My personal favourite was the term "Sickening puke." As in, " That little brat over there is one sickening puke." I'm sure you all know a few little turds who deserve to be referred to in this manner; so don't hold back let those little "S.P.'s" know how you feel.
My dad also loved to watch shows where amateurs would share their talents in hope of hitting it big. Particularly comedy shows, but he saw the odd American/Canadian Idol type show too.
We would frequently hear the phrase "Don't quit your day job" being hurled at the screen as the latest victim stumbled through their performance. I never got tired of this phrase, I couldn't help but giggle when I heard it. Sometimes he couldn't control himself and he'd toss that phrase at news anchors and weather men too. My old man had some "A" material.
I drove around Ireland with my parents in 1999. My parents would reminisce about an old comedy album (you know the really thick vinyl ones) that they use to listen to "down home" at my moms parents farm near Kingston. Just in case you weren't aware, it rains alot in Ireland. Every day we would see rain clouds - almost on cue one of my parents would slyly say
"Looks like rain up ahead."
To which the other would respond with one of the following lines:
"We're driving right into it." or the even more popular, "But it tastes like carbolic acid!"
Oh the hilarity. We did that routine for years after!
My dad wasn't a touchy feely senso-dad (not that there's anything wrong with that) but he tried to show his affection in his own way. One of my fondest memories is one of my older sisters and I would get into our pj's and our parents would take us to Mister Donut in our old Dodge Monaco station wagon. We would go in and get hot chocolate and a bowtie. A bowtie was a specialty at Mister Donut (that was the ultimate donut shop, best sign ever! Apparently it's still "Big in Japan") it was a donut pastry about the size of a honey bun, but with chocolate icing and whipped cream on it. So decadent. It looked like a really big bowtie so we would pretend it was one before we devoured them in the backseat of the wagon! Oh the 70's, nothing like filling the kids with sugar then sending them off to bed! Boo Yeah!
The picture on the left was taken in Ireland in county Cork.
Things I'm glad I got to do with my dad:
1. Walk along the River Corrib in Galway Ireland
2. Have a pint at the Guiness factory in Dublin
3. Climb Blarney Castle (it's not the climbing that'll get you it's trying to get back down!)
4. Change the oil in my old car
5. Watch any show where unknowns were trying to make it big - "Don't quit your day job!" (see above)
So here's to you Dad.
B-spot on the touchy feely side.

Charge it up!

2008-02-18T11:32:00.000-08:00

This post originally started out as a tribute to one of the sweetest rides in town but got side tracked by the shabby batteries I purchased at a local dollar store.
I know what you're thinking haters..."What'd you expect from dollar store batteries B-spot?" Well, I can tell you that I expect those freakin' batteries to last long enough for me to squeeze off one shot of Peterborough culture before reading "battery exhausted" in my camera window. You can't tell me that the batteries were worn out by their trip from the dollar store into my camera. Hey Zeus! I carried them, they didn't even have to walk!
I digress... I know I'm a dingleberry for not being properly prepared for any photo op that presents itself. But I'm a little peeved about the fact these batteries will be going straight from the shelf to the hazardous waste depot. I'm not even sure if there are any hazardous chemicals in the damn things?
Anyway, I'll move on.
Peterborough is always seeing it's fair share of businesses coming and going. I'm always blown away by the loss of a long standing business in the Patch. I know my neighbours to the south in "the hood" think we only have one altruistic coffee shop up in Canada but we actually have a few major coffee shops. There's Country Style, Coffee Time and of course Tim Horton's.
Tim Horton's seems to be the front runner in the market but in some areas the other two competitors seem to hold their own. Peterborough has a few Country Style's left around. The best one ever was turned into a laundromat. A few years ago a Country Style took over an older building in Peterborough's downtown core. It was close to the marina and the Holiday Inn. It also hosted cruise nights for cars and motorcycles. On a warm summers eve you could breeze past it on the main street and see various cars with the engines spewing forth from their hoods or a sea of chrome Harleys...a feast for the motorheads eyes.
I was absolutely shocked when I noticed that this particular location was now closed. How could this be? It had such a loyal customer base! But then I realized...how could they compete in a town with roughly a dirty dozen Tim's?
In the photo above the former Country Style location is on the right hand side; the brown A-frame building with the red accents. It's hard to see in this picture but to the far left of this photo just down the street (about 100 metres) what's that looming on the horizon?
Yeah, you guessed it; Tim Horton's. These two coffee shops have co-existed on this strip for a few years, but I guess it just wasn't working out anymore. Tim Horton's has a few advantages: It is located right next door to the beer store. Why walk 100metres for your coffee after cashing in your empties of Lakeport when you can stumble a mere 12 metres to Timmy's for some sustenance?
Better yet head over to 2 for 1 pizza and get a slice to fill the whole that beer has left in your gutt. There is also this awesome dancing clown that hangs around outside the flower shop (also in the strip mall) enticing would be flower buyers to come peruse the foliage. Maybe if I buy some carnations she'll let me take her picture!
The above shot of the Tim Horton's next to The Beer Store was taking with the last dying breath of my AA rechargeable batteries. The red bike pictured here use to be a regular down the street at Country Style. Unfortunately this picture does not accurately capture the true beauty of this sweet ride. Don't worry haters, I can guarantee that there will soon be another opportunity to squeeze of some shots of this beast soon. This time I'll be prepared!
For the record, Country Style does have excellent coffee and some killer donuts. They have also been updating some of their locations as "bistros" where you can get some very delicious soups and sandwiches! So if you're cruising through the North don't be afraid to give them a try.
BOO YEAH!
B-spot in the frozen tundra!

Fast Forward!

2008-01-21T19:41:00.000-08:00

I've figured it out kids, the reason for all of my problems. When I receive a "time-sensitive chain email" to forward to other people in my address book - I delete it. What I should be doing is sending it on to as many people as I can! Internet courtesy be damned! I want to be showered with good fortune and prosperity, like all these forwards promise. I'm the one who has been wrong all along! Foolish me! If only I had forwarded all of those emails to my friends think of all the greatness I would be wallowing in.
The most recent one simply said "Mental Feng Shui Lotus Touts". The Email - sent on my work account- was partially blocked but I looked it up on the "intraweb" to see what it was all about.
I was encouraged to send this to at least 6 people in 6 minutes. The numbered comments are those attached to this email mine are below in red...

Mental Feng Shui Lotus Touts:

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
(work you ass off and, bend over and take it with a smile)
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
(remember paper bags aren't just for groceries-think of the unknown comic)
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
(your not the boss of me)
FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
("freaky deakys need love too")
FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
(and cross your fingers behind your back)
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
(it takes time for a good Private Investigator to dig up dirt)
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
(believe in love at last call - keep your beer goggles close and beware of 12:30 princesses/princes)
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
(lets face it some dreams are funny know your audience, laugh when appropriate)
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
(If you're getting hurt you need to decide on a "safe" word and use it early and often)
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly.. No name calling.
(Make sure you name your fists - call them "the justice twins" or the "mighty twosome")
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
(but do judge them..)
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
(O................................................................................................................................kay)
THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
(then proceed to soil yourself - that'll make them forget the question)
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
(stuff some money in a mattress and don't ride bareback!)
FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
(I prefer to look at them like they are spreading disease and walk away disgusted)
SIXTEEN.. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
(do blame everyone else)
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
(Remember the 3 F's Felch, Farmhand and Finger puppets)
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
(make sure it's a real drop down drag out!)
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
(...fake a seizure...wet your pants to make it believable)
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
(they can't see you rubbing the receiver on your bum so go to town - then you'll have a reason to smile.)
TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.
(that shouldn't be a problem if you follow the steps below!)

Now, here's the FUN part!
(What that wasn't the fun part?)

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.

-are we talking regularity and fewer cold sores improve or something more substantial like the mongos at Tim Horton's always get my order right?

1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.

-so regularity but cold sores still?

5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.

okay so regularity, no cold sores and no bunions?

9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks

Are these good surprises like fame, happiness and wealth or bad surprises like gum disease, incontinence and Hermaphrodism?

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.
(ofcourse you won't have anyone to share your new found glory with because you will have alienated them with all of your insane time sensitive forwarded messages!
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. (don't be touching my heart unless your a heart surgeon and I'm in for a procedure)

So here's a big juicy dove of hate for the concept that not forwarding a message within a 6 minute time frame could impact my life negatively. There's enough bullshit out there for us to slog through on a day to day basis without the threat that I may be going down the trail of doom due to my lack of faith in this kind of "voodoo email message."
If you're my friend send me an actual email or pick up the phone and call.
You're on the clock haters so start working those digits!
B-spot on the crusty northern tundra

Signs Of Peterborough Volume III

2008-01-18T14:54:00.001-08:00

Well I wouldn't have thought it freakin' possible if I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes. The Colonel is trying to pull another serious rip job on the people of Peterborough. Jolene and I were cruising by the combo KFC and Taco Bell the other night when we were visually assaulted by this unbelievable price gauge by that uppity, gabardine wearing, soul patch sportin' chicken hawkin' bastard! Yeah you heard me! That crazy white haired goon is trying to charge the masses $125 for an extra piece of his greasy, 11 spiced chicken to wash down their gullets! The proof is in the signage amigos! The sign mavens at "Kentucky Fried Tacos" didn't even have a 5 to throw up on the board so they tossed an upside down deuce up for public viewing, makes me wonder, are they using the same guy who does the signs at the Trentwinds? What the deuce?
Speaking of the Trentwinds it seems to be all about sign placement. It's hard to see but in the background that's the half-lit sign for Thursdays (the peeler palace). What exactly are these wamblers advertising?
To the untrained eye it looks like a sign enticing you in to slurp back some hot soup on a cold winters day. What they're really advertising is a steaming cauldron of sin. It says "Come on in and dip your bones (if they could get away wit it they would have written boners) in the scorching loins of debauchery boys." Yeah, we know where that arrow is pointing - straight to the lust pot at the rear. Beware of "oral germ whores." When you're done getting infected sinners you can just take a quick jaunt down the street to get a hot cup 'o joe at the new and improved Tim Hor...where the term "donut hole" takes on a whole new meaning. Fritters and fluffers 24/7. So put that in your fudgepack!
B-spot on the crueller side of life!
WHUH!

It's not contagious...

2008-01-12T09:19:00.000-08:00

I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce everyone to a close friend of mine. We've been together my whole life and unless things start to get a little ragged around the edges we're going be together forever. When I was a little girl I was often embarrassed by our close relationship and would go to great lengths to hide it from others. As I have matured slightly over the years, I have come to a deep and personal understanding of our ties to one another and I want everyone to be able to accept it with open arms.
This my friends is my mole. Also referred to as a birthmark or beauty mark.
When I was a child I was ashamed of my big brown birthmark. It is on the outside of my right thigh half way between my hip and my knee. Wearing shorts or skirts of average length as a child would always expose it to the outside world, where it would be judged and mocked by others.
I haven't really thought too much about my mole and how it appears to "outsiders" until this week. With the new year there has been an influx of new meat at the YMCA. I couldn't help but notice that numerous young women kept doing a double take at my leg-ular region. I thought maybe they wanted to know some of my fitness secrets or even worse - was there a foreign body hanging out of my shorts or stuck to my person?
I'm no supermodel but my legs are alright, if fuzzy and stumpy is your thing, but all this attention was starting to make me a little self-conscious about all the attention my gams were getting. Oddly enough it took me awhile to realize what had caught their attention. It was my furry brown mole. I guess some people can't handle such a brazen display of epidermal fortitude because it had truly gobsmacked these delicate flowers.
If I may paraphrase a line from Mary Catherine Gallagher in the movie Superstar - I am fully aware that "...my birthmark looks like shit." Don't worry haters you can't catch what I've got...you've gotta be one of the chosen ones. So I'm gonna release the dove of hate on people who don't know enough not to stare at what they feel are physical oddities or deformities...you will soon feel the oppressive stench of dove deuce trickling down your simpleton faces leaving a rash for all the world to see. You will run through the streets branded by the dove screaming..."I am not an animal!"
So the next time you see my wicked ass birthmark say "Hi!" to my little friend, feel the awe its presence inspires, buy it candy and flowers (it likes daisies) caress it, be at one with it! (Ask before caressing)
"Put that in your back pack."
B-spot on the epidermal front!

Happy Hood Year (Part the Deuce)

2008-01-08T07:09:00.001-08:00

Hey brolleys, I'm fresh from my nap ready to tap that New Year's story anew. New Year's day saw us waking up late to inspect the damage from the night before. Shell casings littered the sidewalk and Southern comfort bottles were smashed up and down the street indicating that Jolene had snuck out after curfew to get his freak on! Corn liquor and shotguns are his "Achilles Heels".
The day brought a festival of eating delicious chicken fingers and watching the outdoor hockey game. We brought slothdom to a whole new level and I love it!
On Wednesday we started our adventures in shopping. I won't bore you with all the gory details I'll just throw out some of the highlights...
After a yummy lunch at Pete's, we thrifted our way through red white and blue, village thrift and goodwill. We did not hit these stores in succession but interspersed them throughout the day. I scored a couple of awesome board games for a couple of bucks a piece and some kick ass pineapple bookends. Y'all know the pineapple is the international symbol of welcome - so these bookends say, "you are welcome to look at my books, but don't touchee!"
Though I love second hand stores in the States I've also formed a deep love affair with the department store chain Kohl's. They have awesome sales year round. Items are usually discounted 60 to 99% off. Okay, maybe 99% is a slight exaggeration but you git ma point boyz! They are also purveyors of Happy Bunny merchandise, that angry bunny that says "let's focus on me!" etc. I also scored a new jog bra...I like to keep the ladies strapped in for the ride! No black eyes in 2008! Kohl's also had some great household items on sale after Christmas, including decorations and candles etc. I love buying Christmas decorations, particularly when they've hit the 80% off range. I really needed a few days to molest Kohl's bargain racks, but you've got to stop yourself for sustenance and hydration. The key is to know your limits. Besides, Jolene and I hit the Kohl's in Watertown on the way home where we got some more Christmas stuff and the Target where we found even more Happy Bunny merchandise, wicked awesome! We finished our shopping extravaganza Wednesday at Trader Joe's. Trader Joe's is an awesome grocery store with some unique food and household products. I stocked up on some appetizers and picked up a few new dips and spreads to try. Thank the sweet baby Jesus for my travel cooler so I can keep things chillin' on the road. Alright the sweet baby Jesus did not buy my cooler it was my parents at an evil timed special sale at Canadian Tire a few years ago just before Christmas - it was a mad house but it was worth the effort!
Back to the tales....
After we packed the wagon up to the eyeballs with our booty we headed to our favourite Chinese restaurant. Chrispy knows which one. The food is reasonable and everything is mighty tasty. We gorged, hungry from the days escapades and still had leftovers! No visit to the Chinese restaurant would be complete without tapping the dollar store next door. That's where I found my new fav toque. It says "No Stress" and I plan on living the words for 2008! We ended up closing that place down! We headed home full of food, the car weighted down with goods and the knowledge that two bathrooms were waiting for us should we have any gastrointestinal issues. It was wickedly cold in the hood. I wasn't mentally ready for that, I'm use to the frozen tundra but there was a bitter cold wind blowing through the streets that chilled me to the bone. I couldn't wait to curl up on the couch with a cat of my choosing and settle in for a night of TV viewing.
On Thursday Glenda had to return to work for a day so the Chrisp and I went to the Jackson Outlets to hit a couple of stores. I was in dire need of some underoos so we tapped the Jockey outlet for some butt covers. We also found Abominable snow monster bracelets at Claires...watch my wrist for that one next Christmas. It was great to have some one on one with the Chrisp. Having boys around can be so limiting when you just want to be chics. They're so sensitive and demanding....geesh! Sadly our "alone time" had to end and we headed home to make sure that Jolene was fed and watered.
Thursday evening we headed out to see Chrisps sister Jenny and her family so that we could check out Sam's Club, the box store associated with Wal-Mart. Along the way we had to get some grub so we could maintain our stamina, we stopped at that mecca of grease and goodness White Castle. We macked down on sliders and fries, washing it all down with a regular sized pop. They call them sliders because there is no chewing involved...they just slide down your throat...mmm slippery, like an eel on a bun! We arrived at Jenny's after our feast and piled into the family truckster. Jenny has 5 kids so a compact car is out of the question. We were riding in style, the airport extend-a-van whisked us to Sam's Club which is a Costco style operation...this particular one actually sold BOOZE! Yippee! I love's me some booze! Jolene and I picked up some beer to take back and a couple of bottles of wine. I also scored some long underwear for running on those crisp winter days. On the way to Sam's Club we had our own seats in the van on the way home we had to share because the seats were filled with goods - bummer - but we got through it! We headed back to the family ranch to spend a few moments with the kidlets before heading back to the warm embrace of the hood for another TV viewing fiesta. We'd been burning our way throw Season One of 30 Rock. If you haven's seen it and you have a sense of humour and a brain check it out homeschool! It's tres bon!
I spent some time rappin' with Chrispy's 6 year old nephew Aaron about the virtues of photography and Napoleon Dynamite. We took a picture of each other taking a picture of each other. You can read more about Aaron's photographic exploits at Tre nonkat.
We said our good-byes and climbed into the wagon with its cold leather seats to journey back to spend our last night (this go round) in the hood.
Glenda would be leaving us early in the morning to engage in a full on man weekend in upper New York State so we said our tearful good-byes, sent him to bed and continued our 30 Rock Marathon.
No trip to the hood would be complete without consuming some awesome pizza at DiLorenzo's. Which is just a short jaunt from chez Chrisp & Glenda. We were going to meet Mr. Clean of Bald, Fat & Angry blog fame.
I was no longer chattering from the wind that had been burrowing into my soul. The Americans were still moanin' about the weather but as far as I was concerned it was tropical.
Anywhore...we started our stroll to the pizzeria, the air was fresh and delightful, the sun was shining and there would be pizza. What more could you want? Well totally unexpected I came upon some street art in front of one of the neighbourhood houses. Where there was once fresh, wet cement there was now some very profound words to live by.
Now I've heard of "bro's before ho's" and "don't hate the playa, hate the game" but this tidbit of wisdom was new to me.
"Money over Bitches." I had to risk gettin' a cap in the ass to squeeze off a few shots of this rare hood gem. I was pretty impressed. Everything was spelled correctly and the block printing was pretty decent for this particular medium. Kudos to the author, you're defacing public property but you still have the patience and steady hand to scribe this missive. You have inspired me to adopt a new philosophy for the new year "In 2008 bitches can wait!" The almighty dollar will be my dirty little mistress for the next twelve months. Thank you for setting me free! With my belly full of pizza and the hood soon to be a memory I was reminded to pray for Fishsticks freedom! I say write to your senator not in the pavement if you want your voice to be heard! And don't forget the tartar sauce...WHUH!

Happy Hood Year (Part the First)

2008-01-07T14:33:00.000-08:00

Well Haters I'm fresh from my trip to the hood and ready to share my tales of the Hood New Year. We started our journey Sunday the 30th of December. Jolene and I left the Patch in the late afternoon to head for the border. We were well stocked with Canadian goodies for Chrispy and Glenard and a few bottles of hooch to help ring in the new year. We were psyched! There would be food, thrifting, and the opportunity to punish my bro's new plumbing (which you can read more about at Trentonkat's Pre-Christmas Mishmash post). We drove until about 9pm and spent the night at the Best Western in Tully. We continued on our trip the following morning arriving in the hood at around 4pm. I had brought various hors d'oeuvres in my cooler from Canada and it was going to be a finger food feast!
After we arrived we sat in the "friendship room" sipping beverages and catching up on the post Christmas fallout. Our family participates in a gift exchange, what usually happens is that we put all the adults names in a "basket" or reasonable facsimile - then the names are drawn and matched to a list of every ones names and we are to buy gifts for that person only. We're not Cretans though we always pick up something for our parents and the nieces and nephews. This is not a unique concept but it has had its ups and downs over the years. We all dread certain people getting our names, but in the spirit of Christmas and with a mere $30.00 limit we can all survive. I however had to inform the deuces that according to a decree on our kitchen chalkboard, written by my mother, that there would be "NO MORE GIFT EXCHANGE" (pictured below).
I don't know if this is considered legal and binding but I think I'll wait until next fall for the annual name draw to get the skinny on the poop - I've learned to "not poke the bear".
Though Glenda and Chrispy were devastated by the news we managed to find our joy once again and continue on with our musings.
We retired to Monkeys room and watched some television on DVR. Having only 3 channels coming in with my rabbit ears I am thoroughly jealous of my bro's TV technology. Sure we have a satellite hook up downstairs but it's perma-locked on CNN where my ma is busy solving crimes. The idea of taping television, pausing television and then...for the love of God watching it whenever you want makes me all tingly inside.
Chrispy heated up all the delicious foodstuffs from the President's Choice line. Fig & Goat Cheese in Phyllos pastry, various cheese assortment and some meatballs. I sipped a delicious Cabernet from California - Liberty School - a personal favourite and Jolene macked down on some Yuengling Lager (that's some kick ass 'Merican Brewski's).
We were all pretty tired from the holidays so it was a bit of a struggle to keep it pumpin' till midnight - but like people everywhere we had to see if some how at midnight, if we were awake to experience the change over, we would be magically transformed. We watched the ball drop in Times Square - asking each other - "Who are those random pre-pubescent celebrities hosting rockin' new years eve?"
We were all delighted to see that Dick Clark had been reanimated for the occasion. I can only think that poor Walt Disney must have been lonely back in the cryogenic vault.
As the ball descended to ring in 2008 we turned off the sound on the TV and opened up a window. Throughout Trenton, New Jersey revelers were setting off fireworks and unloading bullets into the sky. (Okay, it could have just been caps I have no audiological proof that there were actual bullets - I'm just going for street cred deuces).
As we drifted into sweet slumber people banged garbage pail lids together and hooted into the wee hours of the morn...tomorrow would be another day in the hood.
I'm gonna go work on my Eva Braun Shadow box...stay tuned for more "Tales from the Hood".
b-spot on the "moist as a snack cake" northern front!

The Dove of Love

2007-12-07T14:44:00.000-08:00

Well haters the Christmas season is upon us and I've decided to give the Dove of Hate some time off in order to spread some much needed love.
My travels as a professional "filler inner" have taken me to the far reaches of Peterborough and its surrounding counties. I've encountered people from all walks of life and delighted in the
eye catching spectacles that people adorn their front lawns with at this most magical time of
the year. Many decorators fall back on the safe store made inflatable Santa Claus, Snowman or Penguin. Maybe it's an oversized motorized snowglobe for the garage roof. LED lights are slowly taking over where icicle lights use to dangle crustily in the wind. Rope lighting (once solely for strip club use) has made its way around banisters and been coiled into various holiday shapes. I applaude all efforts to decorate and spread the joy at this time of year. I appreciate a good old fashioned Griswald family christmas but I'm also a fan of the personal touch.
This past Monday we had snow squalls and freezing rain that made driving treacherous. Highway 28 was like a washboard. The dangerous conditions forced a "snow day" on our region. On snow days (for my friends in the Hood) the buses are cancelled so the majority of students can't make it to school. The schools do remain open and the teachers have to be there. I'm fortunate to be in a carpool with 3 other rockstars so I didn't have to make the trip alone. We decided to not take the backroads we often take to the school and remain on the main roads for safety sake. We took our time crawling along Dale Road and were rewarded with a
most excellent display for our efforts. At the corner of Dale Road and Toronto Roads in the tiny town of Welcome we were met with a most awe inspiring sight.
There, frozen in two feet of snow, was the sweet baby Jesus and his whole old world entourage - larger than life.
They had obviously wandered off their original "trip-tik" and become disoriented when the sands of the desert flash froze them in time.
The pictures I have taken do not do this incredible display the JUSTICE it so richly deserves! Mary, Joseph and the Three Wisemen are joined by camels, sheep and their sheperd, a donkey and a cow frozen up to its haunches in ice (which is primo but not visible in these photos). Sure they didn't have hydropoles and mailboxes in Bethlehem but the effort in this incredible home made tribute makes you see past the Super model quality of Mary being watched over by Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.
The sheperd is so real, shivering in the cold, I want to go buy him a candy cane hot chocolate form Tim Horton's to take the chill off his non-existent bones.
Oh and the Camels! Where do I begin?

I swear I can see their breath in the crisp northern air.
I can only hope that others who pass by this awe inspiring display take a fraction of the enjoyment I have this past week.
It's a graphic display with some minor historical inaccuracies, I'm beginning to wonder what they do at Easter?
So today I launch the first ever "Dove of Love" on the creators of this magnificent scene. We got to see it lit up last night on the way home and yes it was truly a thing of beauty.
I feel truly blessed to revel in it's magnitude daily.
This is B-spot on the crispy northern front saying "Stay High" the natural way!

The Classics

2007-11-15T18:02:00.000-08:00

Things certainly are different than when I was a kid. Cursive writing is taking a back seat to word processing and power point presentations. The kids have mp3 players instead of skipping ropes and Indian Rubber balls. We worry about our kids becoming less active so the government steps in to mandate 20 minutes of Quality Daily Physical Activity (QDPA) and educators learn about Differentiated Instruction - a way of giving students variety in how they will be taught and assessed, in order to appeal to different learning styles , because we all learn differently...don't cha know?
Sure we're going to keep Standardized Testing (EQAO) how else will we hold the educators and administrators accountable?
Okay rant aside....my point is that no matter how much the curriculum changes and the world evolves you can count on one constant: kids will always be the same. I don't mean they're carbon copies of each other. I mean as children grow and mature they will find the same things funny, shocking and play the same practical jokes throughout the ages. Kids still make "cootie catchers" also known as "fortune tellers" south of the border with phrases such as "you will marry (insert name of most repulsive school mate here)" and "you smell like poo".
Oh yes, poo still makes them giggle insanely, in fact any reference to the deuce chute region will leave them spent, breathless and red in the face from laughter so intense you're certain they've ruptured something
People often say how they weep for the future...sure some kids are going down the wrong path but I'm here to tell you that at least a few of my students still think saying the word "damn" is grounds for having your mouth washed out with soap, or at least a quick trip to the principals office. Though so many of them view themselves as having seen it all, I don't doubt they've seen alot but I always need to remind myself that they are still so young.
The other day a few of my students came to me with a copy of a well used dictionary that was in my classroom.

They told me that it said something bad and they thought they should show it to me. On the first page of this dictionary some one has written in pen turn to page 201. Yeah, it's a trap but how can you resist?
I first thought...okay this is going to be the page that has the word penis or breast on it. Maybe even prick.
Sadly, I was wrong.

There boldly emblazoned in permanent ink is a textual bitch slap for all who dare to heed the enticement on the first page of this hallowed volume.
Pictured below is page 201.

After thanking them for bringing me the book I told my girls that I would dispose of the book in an appropriate manner. They seemed to want more than that but that's all I could offer at the time. I couldn't find the original culprit. They were long gone. They could be a well respected dignitary or public figure by now. There would be no forensic testing but I assured them they did the right thing by bringing this desecration to my attention. I'm glad they were so responsible and did the right thing. They are what gives me faith to keep on keepin' on. However, I can't bring myself to dispose of this dictionary. This dictionary has been through alot. Despite the fact that it's binding has torn away from its spine it otherwise remains virtually intact. It has served its public well, providing definitions for generations of students. It's a relic from another time and it deserves some respect.
So it has now taken a place of honour in my private joke repertoire. If someone's really chapping my ass that's a definite "201"!
So put that in your backpack!
B-spot on the Northern Slide!

What's up Dog?

2007-11-08T18:26:00.000-08:00

Okay, my first guess is that Tucker Chapman did not pass his screen test to be "young, youngest blood" on Dog the Bounty Hunter. Why else would he give the enquirer a tape of his old man dropping the "N" bomb? Sure what the Dog was spewing just wasn't cool, but really is it cool to be dissing your dad in such a public manner? Cricky Bra! Just cause you didn't suckle at Beth's teats isn't any reason to air your dirty laundry in public. Doesn't the Dog embarrass himself enough sporting that candy floss mullet and having his bitch tits spew forth from his unbuttoned man blouses?
Okay, I admit...I love to watch Dog and his posse wrastling the scumwads of Hawaii. I love the intense pepper spray take downs, foul language being showered on the bail jumpers. Then the ride in the SUV where their "catch" professes their undying love for the dog and a miniature verbal bitch slapping/intervention period ensues. Always these episodes end with a crack head in tears and "...you're okay my brother" being uttered by Dog.
Well my bro's and ho's I think Dog and Tucker better crack out the "mane and tail mullet wash" cause the Dove of Hate went to an all you can eat Mexican buffet last night and they're gonna need all the help they can get scrubbing refried bean deuce out of their do's!
Later Haters!
B-spot on the chilly Northern front!

"Nee Haw Peterborough!"

2007-10-31T16:18:00.001-07:00

Well I'm delighted to report that an empty business in downtown Peterborough is soon going to be brought back to life. The always evolving venue of Club Vibe is once again getting ready to open it's doors. Club Vibe is a fairly large venue (12,000 square feet) so keeping up attendance has been a challenge in the past. The former owners and organizers often put on all ages events to help fill this vast venue and provide a place for teens to get out and dance. Unfortunately underage drinking and filling the place to capacity have proved difficult in the past. Frankly, the flavour of the vibe wasn't anything new or exciting. Downtown Peterborough already has it's share of dance venues.
Restoration on the rather dank building is already underway and the new owner hopes to open up "CJ's Country Bar" in 6 to 8 weeks. Just in time for a Cowboy Christmas I hope!
During an interview in the local paper the new owner said..."The main bar area is 5,000 square feet and you can’t walk on it without stepping on a piece of gum. It’s that dirty. I’m doing an extensive renovation."

"Ideally I need to modernize the outside of the building. It’s an eye-sore in the downtown core," he said. "It will be repainted. I’m putting in new doors. Believe it or not there is black marble on the front of that building and I want to polish it and utilize some of the original architecture of the building."

I think it's awesome that this guy isn't just slapping up a coat of paint and hiring a coat check girl/guy. He sounds like he's going to give the old building the respect it deserves. It's seen alot of ugliness over the years.

Originally the Club Vibe building was one of Peterborough's local cinemas. If memory serves it housed two theatres, the main one on the first floor and a smaller one upstairs. I think it was the Paramount? I remember sneaking in to the upstairs theatre to watch that racy film "Grease", even though I'd paid to see something rated PG on the main floor. Good times! But enough about me and how I use to spend my $2.00 allowance.
This time around the new owner is proposing a Country Music Bar for the space. I love it. Diversity in the downtown core! We really don't need another place that plays bass laden music with monosyllabic lyrics. Sure those places have their merits but Peterborough needs an alternative and I'm pretty excited that someone is stepping up to the plate. Or moseying up to the bar...so to speak and making the investment. Clearly the country music scene has become increasingly popular over the past few years. People 18 to 35 years of age are really starting to dig the scene. It may not be everyones cup of sarsaparilla but I hope it's going to be a big hit. It's hard to see such a large store front remain empty in our downtown. It's also hard to think of all that wasted gum ground into it's dance floor.
Mr. Bob's update - due to drug charges their liquor license has been revoked. Though the restaurant remains open we're not yet sure if a dry venue will be able to survive. Maybe as a breakfast/lunch place like the Queensway restaurant? Time will tell.
Hopefully CJ's can fill the void by providing a natural way to "Stay High". Heck! I might even dust off my 10 gallon hat!
Don't fret haters I'll be back with a rant soon.
B-spot in the chilly North!

"Stay High"

2007-10-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

Hey Deuces! Long time no blog. Things have been pretty slow around PeterPatch since the big "Bridal/Boxing Blowout" Weekend at the Trentwinds. Don't worry, lots girls are still doing their thing even though the Trent Canal system has shut down for the season. Sure, without the barrage of oversexed male houseboat renters, tips will be scarce but our girls will be okay.
Thanks for your concern.
Anyway...I was checking my local newspapers website last night and was assaulted by a "News Alert". These alerts are always highlighted on a red backdrop. I always think it's going to be something devastating to warrant such an alarming colour choice. Alas it was a report about a local business owner being busted on drug charges. I think this news alert could have been put forth with a more subtle colour like lemon or rust. Lets face it the guys not a saint so what's with sending up the flare of surprise?
I found a brief account of the story on another website and have copied it below (in rust);

A prominent business owner and local philanthropist is accused of running a lucrative drug ring out of his family pizza parlour and now faces numerous drug-related charges. Tracy Robinson, 46, along with three other employees at Mr. Bob's Gourmet Pizza and Restaurant, were arrested Monday (Oct. 15) after police searched The Queensway business and seized more than $30,000 worth of cash and drugs.
After getting over the shock that this was considered "Gourmet Pizza" (having once heard Mr. Bob's pizza referred to as "something that looked like an un-wiped babies arse), I was most struck by the word philanthropist in this short piece. I suppose you could say that his crime was motivated by his altruistic concern for human beings and their need to "Stay High" which was inscribed on every baggie of cocaine that was seized. But maybe the writer was referring to Robinson's endless supply of borderline entertainment that wafted through his bar/restaurant over the years. His establishment, which moved ever closer to a local highway over the years (I suppose that provided for easier access for suppliers and buyers) was a hub of no name talent. I applaude you Mr. Robinson for the endless parade of singers/musicians and comedians whom you gave voice to and...for the ladies you provided the counterpart to Thursdays all female review, promoting "Exotic Male Dancers". In short, something for everyone and you even served breakfast. Wow! You are a philanthropist. Sadly I don't think this champion of the people will be able to continue his good deeds where he is going. What will become of "Mr. Bob's Gourmet Pizza"? Where will all the guys with acoustic guitars and a song in their heart sing now? Will male dancers by left shivering in the cold?

Will Mr. Bob's go the way of the Bake & Make (pictured on the left) where they finally figured ya gotta bake'em before ya make'em?

Is Peterborough, like Trenton, NJ about to lose another local institution?
Only time will tell.
"Stay High" my friends - this ones for "pants down man", nobody pumps it better!
B-spot on the northside.

Signs O Change

2007-10-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

Well folks, it's been a busy weekend in Peterborough. Once again the Trentwinds Conference Centre has been hopping 24/7. You remember the Trentwinds, home of Thursdays where you can get down with "ice cold beer lots girls"?
First and foremost this multi-faceted venue hosted a bridal show on Friday night. Cheap signs lined the boulevards in and around Peterborough all week, calling out to bride-zillas everywhere to come and get some great ideas for centrepieces...you know the ones you can always use again! As you can see the sign mavens at the Trentwinds had to squeeze a rather elongated "R" into the word Bridal to get the message out. Actually I think it might be an 8 that they worked their magic on. Just seeing this sign alone made me want to camp out over night so I could get through the doors first! Wow can you say Poppin' with Pizzaz!
All night long, the floor of the International Ballroom (I kid you not - that is the name of the main room) was draped with party favours, wedding gowns and cooing brides to be.

A mere 24 hours later after bridal dreams were fulfilled the owners were prepping for the
main event...Live Amateur Boxing.
The promoters obviously brought in their own sign, not willing to leave anything to chance, for the occasion.
Yes kids from bridal show to boxing. Just think while all of this was going on...a bevy of beauties were shakin' their money makers out back at Thursdays (where I imagine they benefited from the 600 attendees of the boxing match after the final bout).
I checked out the final results in the Peterborough Examiner. There was a short interview with one of the boxers a Timo (TNT) Smith who hails from the small town of Bethany South West of Peterborough. He was pretty pumped about winning a victory in his hometown - wait a minute isn't he from Bethany? And I quote...
“It was in my hometown and it was a big deal to have everyone come out for me,” Smith said. “Everywhere else I just care about my performance. As long as I put on a good performance I don’t care about the decision, unless I get totally ripped off but when it’s here, I really, really hope I pull it off.”
So is he saying he didn't bring his "A game" to Peterborough? I'm confused.
Oh well my main point is that it's hard to believe that a venue can go from satin and taffeta to head shots and lost teeth within the span of 24 hours. But then again many weddings go down that road as soon as the toasts are done, so maybe the Trentwinds has got it right?
I'll ponder that when I'm slow dancing with Jolene at his company Christmas party on the dancefloor of the International Ball Room at the Trentwinds in December.

Just the tip

2007-09-20T18:08:00.000-07:00

Well deuces, the dove of hate has been laying low for a few days, refueling for a mile high pile. Before I release it's steaming contents on my unsuspecting victims I 'd like to give a shout out to all my peeps down in the T to the ON with the RENT in the middle. That's Trenton, New Jersey...not Trenton Ontario.
Trenton Ontario boasts the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Canada. If anyone knows Trenton NJ's number one claim to fame (outside of the Greenwood Raceway) let me know.

Tonight's blog is all about keepin' it real. I'd like to dedicate this entry to Sy, an entrepreneur, who's takin' it to the streets to make his town better one bicep curl at a time!
I had the distinct pleasure of cruising by Sy's gym on Olden Avenue in Trenton, NJ in August. I'm not ashamed to say I gazed longingly at the simplicity of his operation.

I belong to the local YMCA in Peterborough, Ontario. We use to be housed in a century old building in the heart of downtown but earlier this year we moved into a brand new facility off the main drag. Sure it's shiny and the equipment is new and state of the art...it's all good, but seeing Sy's gym this summer made my heart ache for the simpler times. The times when a good set of free weights and a pair of running shoes were the prescription for a satisfying workout. No programs and heart rate monitors, just an occasional reality check to be cashed when necessary.
So tonight I'm going to release the dove on some of the folks who have disrupted my own work out experience.
I'm not what you'd call a gym rat. I don't have the matching Nike bra-top to go with stretch capris and I don't apply lip gloss and eyeshadow before I hit the treadmill. When I workout I sweat and the armpits of my t-shirts can bear testimony to that. If you want to join a gym you can't get away from the gym rats. Male and female they are there, gnawing at the integrity of serious sweat monkeys everywhere.
This dove is going out to all the messed up wads who go to my gym. Yeah...you know who you are!
The first one is for this wanker who looks like a sawed off Stretch Armstrong doll. Yeah you heard me you brush-cutted little whiz pile. Number 1 - When you sign up for a machine, make sure you do it on the appropriate board. (I know the 'roids are frying your little pea brain, but it's the alphabet dude, pretty basic stuff). I am on treadmill A - therefore I sign up under treadmill A - Not B. Next up Fonzie...it ain't your office so don't be taking calls on your cellphone while you "walk" on the treadmill for an hour. I'd also like to make sure the Dove leaves some crusty leftovers on the guys who work in the Lifestyle Centre (The Lifestyle Centre is where they house the cardio and weight equipment) for letting this bristly little wanker get away with it...and you know you do. If that was me talking on my cellphone it'd be a major take down!
Next up I'm gonna drop it on the broads I had to listen to in the women's change room before I headed out on my run on Tuesday night. As I was pile driving my rolls into my shorts and sports bra they were blathering on about supplements. I had to tie my shoes extra slow to get the full gist of the situation. One of the personal trainers was telling a couple of the members about the supplements she takes. One burned carbs the other repelled fat absorptions blah, blah, blah! The one candyfloss headed broad was complaining about how tired she gets in the afternoons. Personal trainer broad encouraged her to take one particular supplement to get through it. She also said, "You may get shaky during your workout, but run through it."
WHAT THE F*@K? Who says that out loud with witnesses around?
I think when I get shaky it's my body telling me to....oh, I don't know....STOP, maybe EAT A SANDWICH?
Last of all...
I was at the gym the other day and I overheard this broad talking about her Q-tip addiction. I gotta say one of the greatest places to hear this kind of human tale is the change room. Usually the "recovering addict" or "sharer of woes" likes to talk at the top of their voice so they can drum up dialogue with others who are trapped half naked, or coiffing themselves after or before a workout. In other words - there ain't no way out! This chic was saying how she was totally jonesin' on the q-tips. She'd mack those cushy little mofo's into her ear 3 or 4 times a freakin' day. Ended up she damaged the "gland?" that produces the wax and can no longer excrete a dose of earwax to maintain proper ear health. She found this out after suffering from numerous ear infections and maladies of the ear for years. She talked about how hard it was to walk by the complimentary q-tips that the gym provides in the change room - like one might hear a conformed smoker or alcoholic relate the struggle to pass up a smoke or a jigger of their favourite hooch. It was frenetic, intense and somewhat ridiculous. I'm not dissing her for her particular addiction but you gotta think it goes deeper than the fuzzy little q-tip. You know she spends time alone in her room playing "just the tip".
I think this town is in dire need of a visit from Sy. He needs to spread his mantra and bitch slap the posers back to reality. I think it's time to look into sponsoring a "Keepin' it Real" Continental Tour.
Till next time...
B-spot signing out from the Northern Front
(Included is picture of Sy's road front gym courtesy of Chrissy & G-Spot)

Signs of Peterborough Part 2

2007-09-12T15:18:00.001-07:00

Yeah, Peterborough's a tough town. Even the colonel takes a hard line when promoting new eats at the amalgamated taco bell, kluck 'n chuck on the corner of Monaghan Road and Landsdowne streets. Sure, he comes across all sweet and grandfatherly, but you know that Southern Mofo ain't above bustin' a cap in your ass if you don't try his chicken fries! Peterborough is too damn hard a town for the typical Crunchwrap from taco bell, they had to come up with a brand new taste treat to satisfy the toothless hoards that love to feel the trickle of a warm mexican fastfood dish slide down their nasty palates. The CRUNKH WRAP SUPREME is a local delicacy, it ain't crunchy it be crunkhy.
Now don't be gettin all up in my grill and saying "why you gotta be hatin' B-girl? They just ran out of C's to spell it like CRUNCH" I know you want me to step off and let it go...but haters - I be from the patch and I know it's a message. This town has a seedy underbelly and being CRUNKH is just the tip of the iceberg - BOYZ!
Today Jolene and I went for a mountain bike ride, we took the "creamy path". We ended up off "the beaten path" and Jolene took a header off his bike today and busted up his elbow. I guess the "creamy path" was just to fast and slick for us. Poor Jolene, he got a trip to the Emerg and an x-ray - nothing broken, no more creamy path for him - for awhile! I let him have some KFC to help wash down the hurt. I went into get his order, I was a little shaken by what I saw parked outside.

You don't see what I'm talking 'bout?

Talk a closer look homies!

Yeah that's right SCOOTERS! Not just one...a deuce!
That meant there were at least two of them and only one of me. Normally Jolene would have my back but with his busted wing and his pity party I knew he would be useless to me! I would have to depend on my own street skills if I was gonna make it out alive.
Well the bad guys must've been feeling generous today - 'cause I got outta there with my 3 piece snack pack and my life!

I was wheeling out of the parking lot when I got a load of this whacked out ride! I was so nervous when I saw the bullet riddled body of this Taurus that I was too shaky to get a full shot of the name in the back windshield "The Beast". This is one beast I wasn't gonna stick around to see!
Well bro's and ho's I'm glad I survived another day in the Patch to share my tales with y'all.
This is B-Spot signing off till next time!
Put it in your eye and stroke it!

The Signs of Peterborough Volume I

2007-09-11T16:00:00.001-07:00

What can I say, I dig Peterborough. I've lived in bigger cities that claim to have more culture, but you need only take a leisurely cruise around town in your car, on your bike or using the ankle express to see the awesome culture we have to offer. Sure you can go to the festival of lights, or take in some entertainment at Showplace or Artspace, whatever floats your boat.
Personally, I like to get down and talk to the people outside the Sherbrooke Street liquor store and take candid shots (with my camera) of the underappreciated aspects of this great borough.
When you're entering Peterborough from points east such as, Norwood, Havelock, Ottawa etc. you will be welcomed by the customary signs that inhabit the outskirts of any great mecca. You will learn our population, where to find our main attractions like the Liftlocks, Trent University and even the Zoo. If you're paying attention you may even learn where some
Old Testament daughters have come to roost. To get the full story on Lot and his daughters check out the condensed version at Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lot_(Bible)
Truthfully, this sign adorns a local establishment called the Trentwinds Hotel and Conference Centre. The Trentwinds hosts Christmas parties, weddings, various conferences and several well attended craft shows. Oh and female strippers.
If memory serves...it was called the Miss Diana when I was in high school. Loverboy, Platinum Blonde and other fab Canadian bands adorned the stage in the 80's and 90's. Though the name has changed, and the venue has undergone some transformation...the one constant has been strippers. When it was the Miss Diana we called it the "Inner thighs". I'm not knocking this noble profession, do what you've got to do. Live and let live. But what happened to that magical connecting word....OF? I guess if you're really all about beer and biblical babes you get the message loud and clear. Be here at 11:30AM and run a tab.
I took this picture last week. I also have a picture of this very same sign taken with my old 35mm camera....um about 4 years ago. The only thing that has changed about this sign is that the broken shards of the Thursdays sign were cleared out...I'm assuming with a long stick?
I've also included a picture of the opposite side of the sign. Sadly this is the side of the sign you see when you are leaving Peterborough heading East. Without the fab yellow arrow directing passersby on the incoming side, many must sail on by, unsatisfied craving ice cold beer and a pre-historic skin show. The West side of the sign boasts a 5 for the second S in Thursdays and a rather ambiguous opening time :30AM. The beer is merely cold, not ice cold.
I know it's a pretty awesome sign.
So remember folks, the next time you're perusing the craft show or watching the happy couple enjoy their first dance together, out back, a mere puddle jump away "Lots Girls" are plying their craft.
Stay tuned for more signs of Peterborough.
B-spot out!

IDOBEATOFF

2007-09-07T15:18:00.000-07:00

Well folks it's another hot and windy day in the Kawartha's. Birds are chirping, dogs are barking and dirty sweaty old men are pulling their goalies alongside my beloved canal!
Yes folks, it's true, the beauty and wonderment of nature has been tainted for me once again.
My old man, Jolene, and I went out for a mountain bike ride this morning. We made our way towards a path that runs alongside the Trent canal. We cruised by the Lift locks and around Armour Hill (Armour Hill is Peterborough's make out spot) and up towards Trent university along the water. The trails are not groomed, and in some spots are better suited to hiking than riding but we soldiered on in the heat of the morning.
In the spring a foot bridge was built for walkers and cyclists to help provide safe passage from one part of the Rotary trail to a spot further along river road. This new bridge passes right over part of the Trent Canal. At about 10:20 am, Jolene and I stopped to plan our route back on the new bridge. We were the only cyclists/walkers around at the time. We were planning on taking the trail that travels alongside the canal for a challenge, rather than simply taking the paved trail home. We noticed that there was a man standing with his back to us on the trail we wished to take. We figured he was taking a leak. Though not thrilled about having my tires make contact with his urine pool, we waited for him to move on so we could head down to the trail.
He didn't move on. He appeared to be wiping himself with something in his left hand - pretty dainty for a dude whose unleashing it in public, or so I thought. I then noticed he was hiking up his shorts and starting to power up his right arm. HEY ZEUS! This douchetard was gratifying himself in public! Now the fact that he had his back to the path and he was "attempting" to be discreet, proves he knew this was not the thing to be doing. There were bushes around, trees, you're own freakin' home? Why not take it inside you dirty sweaty pig?
I get that people have fetishes and I'm cool with that - but there is a time and a place for everything - you dirty stinking pig!
As I pedalled away disgusted and in shock I yelled at hammer man "That spot is not as private as you think - Pig!"
Now I realize I probably fulfilled one of his dirty stinking fantasies by letting him know his public was watching.
I regret not having my cell phone with me. Not that it would have done much good. By the time I reported him I'm sure he would have shook of his tally whacker and headed back to his bachelor pad in hell for some pizza pockets and root beer.
How would I have described him to the cops? He was fairly nondescript...he looked like someones dad, grandfather, brother, husband...not your garden variety dirty sweaty pig.
So you filthy stinking pig I am going to release a mammoth Dove of Hate on you. I hope it drowns you with it's steaming deuce of justice. Sleep lightly pig boy...your whacking days are numbered...

Mission Accomplished!

2007-09-05T16:41:00.000-07:00

Well fellow haters the Liftlocks re-opened on Wednesday the 29th. There was still no public notfication and the only way to find out if the locks were functioning was to call the actual Liftlock, or pull up anchor and make a break for lock 19 one more time.
As an aside Lock 19 boasts the youngest lockmaster on the trent canal system - so I've heard - I don't know him personally but he did comment on Jolene's manly nipples on our first trip through the locks in May. We were all taken aback...because surely they are manly nipples but not many men feel secure enough to comment!
Anyway...the day was overcast and, as expected there was some backlog and the locks were running a little slower than usual. Guys with hard hats were still meandering around the Liftlock when we approached. Captain J was visibly agitated. We were behind schedule and his manly nipples were getting twisted! (Generally Jolene is pretty calm but I have witnessed some serious hating going on when he is faced with a line, such as in a bank or buffet restaurant).
As I relaxed and took in the view of our majestic claim to fame I couldn't help but notice that some local ass-hammers had defaced our beloved landmark. These hardcore jerkwabs would have had to propel themselves over the side of the lock to sprawl their incoherent message on the wall. I believe it says "Die Pigger Die". Which translated from the latin means "We're a bunch of buttholes who need a hobby"?
Oh my God! Haven't you guys heard of the water tower? There's actually stairs up to it and you might be able to scrawl something people can understand!
Okay, I'm not advocating public vandalism, but these knobs must've felt pretty manky when they came back in the light of day to view their artistic handywork! Fear of heights and fear of death do not make for good "spraycanmanship".
Here's an idea deucepiles! Start a blog. Get your message out in a healthy and legal manner! That's what I did...the body count has been reduced substantially! So I'm gonna release a mini-dove of hate on the misguided youth of today. They know not what they do, we've all been there so I don't want them saturated with dove deuce, I just want them to feel the warm trickle of the dove of hate on the shoulder of their anti-establishment t-shirts.

The final picture in my blog was taken on Clear lake as we powered into the second storm we encountered on our trip. Oddly I didn't see any other boats besides us underway.....hmmmm.
Brender Out
Later Haters!

2007-08-28T14:30:00.000-07:00

Well folks it's another beautiful summer day in Peterborough, Ontario and I'm ready to unfurl a massive Dove of Hate!
For those of you not familiar with Peterborough (a.k.a. the patch) we're known for a couple of things. Recently we made headlines when Stats. Canada released information regarding which cities contained the largest concentration of senior citizens. We're number 2! 18.2% of Peterboroughs population is over 65. Kelowna B.C. weighs in at number one with 19%. We were sooooo close to being number 1!
They other thing we are known for is the Peterborough Liftlocks or Lock 21 as we know it locally. It is the highest hydraulic liftlock in the world. Let's face it, that's pretty cool! The picture above was taken from the top of our Liftlock.
Peterborough benefits from the tourism aspects of the Trent canal system and local tourist boats that take visitors up and down the liftlocks.
This morning my boyfriend, Jolene, his daughter, Jimmy-jack (the names have been changed to protect the innocent) and I were going to take his houseboat up the Trent Canal to Buckhorn before it goes into drydock for the summer.
We planned every detail. I laid in food and other necessities, we were gonna hammer through in one day so we were up to the challenge and ready to rock!
We were on the boat by 8:15am and heading for lock 19 by 8:30am when the locks would open for the day. As we chugged up to tie up below lock 19 a couple who were on a rental houseboat informed us that the Liftlock was closed. Apparently it has been closed since yesterday afternoon, maintenance workers are realigning the main cyclinders. The hope is that it will be up and running by tomorrow.
Okay, I'm not going to release the Dove of Hate on the workers or the fact that the Liftlock is closed. I certainly don't want to take a ride up the river in a giant bucket full of water if it's not calibrated properly. I want it functioning well for the safety of all involved.
The Dove of Hate is for the local media, city hall, Parks Canada and whoever else is asleep at the wheel! There has been no news coverage or alerts regarding the current status of the Liftlock and the progress of the work. I checked the Peterborough Examiner online in the morning and there was no news alert that the Locks were not functioning.
When Letdown Place (Lansdowne place - a local mall) was closed due to an industrial accident there was a newsflash on the Examiner website. Today there's a flash about local councillor Dean Pappas' family vacationing in Greece, apparently they've escaped fires that are occuring in Greece. I'm glad they're safe and I hope all those affected are safe and the damage is minimal, but come on! How about checking out the local scene and keeping your people informed?
Maybe I need to stress how Peterborough is known for it's Liftlock. If you stop any Peterboroughtonian on the street and ask them what we're known for they would most likely say The Liftlocks. They might say old people and posers, but most likely they would reference the Liftlocks in some way.
I'm going to release my Dove of Hate for all of those who are waiting patiently at local marina's or tethered up and down the lock system awaiting the re-opening of our beloved Liftlock. God bless you all!
Let the Dove fly and foul the air!
First Mate B signing off!

Proper Channels

2007-08-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

I've gotta release a flock of doves on the corrupt people in authority! I work in the education industry and I've been willfully seeking fulltime employment in my chosen field for approximately 5 years now. I have worked hard, upgraded my skills and sadly kissed some unsavoury ass to no avail. I decided on a new tact this past spring. Tell it like it is! You ask me a question, I'll give you an honest answer. This does not seem to be getting me full time employment but it's great for cleansing your soul and getting a good nights sleep.
I have sat back and watched numerous individuals, who have little or no talent, receive jobs based on who they know and who they are related to in local school boards. I'm not naive. I know how the working world works. I'm at peace with it. However, I just got a call from a friend, who has also been seeking full-time employment for a long freakin' time, she called HR about a particular job and was told that she would have to follow protocol to apply for it.
Okay deuce are you talking about the proper channels in place through the boards collective agreement or are you talking about the grapevine? Cause from my experience it's the latter that gets you hired in this nepotistic borough.
I personally don't come from a family of educators so I don't have numerous relatives and friends of relatives who will pull the necessary strings to get me hired.
I believe in old fashioned hard work and being properly trained, qualified and prepared to complete a job. It's funny but I know I should be releasing a mega dove of hate on these pathetic simpletons but I just don't think they're even worth my virtual angst. So put that in your backpacks you pencil pushing, mouth breathing, protocol twisting, pant suit wearing feebs!
Sebastian the bear (pictured above) is tired of their bullshit too!
B-spot out!

Dove of Hate Volume 1

2007-08-23T06:57:00.001-07:00

Welcome fellow haters! You have stumbled upon the Dove of Hate what is the Dove of Hate? The dove is a virtual anger management tool that I want to share with the world. Sure you've heard of the power of The secret and counting to 10 but bro's and ho's the power of the dove is all 'bout you harnessing your anger, your hate, your misplaced aggression and rolling it all into one simple fluttering ball of angst and releasing it on the world. My fellow blogger and sis inlaw can describe it more eloquently than I can in her blog... http://trentonkat.blogspot.com/.

So what's a hater to do?

According to B, my Canadian sister-in-law, we need to take a deep breath and stop thinking about the self-serving, egomaniacal, lawsuit-happy politicians as well as the self-centered, short-sighted, self-destructive knuckleheads in this city, and instead think about how our own anger and disillusionment are adversely affecting our lives. We must envision our negative emotions as a small, football-sized object, in our hands, tangible. We must hold that imaginary parcel in our hands and see it as "The Dove of Hate." Hold the Dove of Hate for a moment with respect. Understand what it is, what makes it. Raise it to chest level. And release, palms up to the heavens, eventually allowing your arms to gently fall to your sides. You have released the Dove of Hate; now watch it fly away!

In her blog Chrissy is making some reference to beautiful and dysfunctional Trenton New Jersey where I spend the bulk of my holiday time. Chrissy married my bro Glen and we've been reeking havoc ever since!
Now the Dove of Hate can be used in most any situation, don't just reserve it for political angst and knuckleheads of the garden variety. Spray it's angry filth all over your friends and neighbours as needed. You'll be amazed at the feelings of calm and peace that overcome you after you've released you're fake, fowl/foul friend into the atmosphere.

Don't take my word for it! Give it a try!
Till next time...Brendage out!