Did somebody say Amazing?

You bet your sweet bibby they did!

Finally after years of seeing him only on TV talk shows like Carson and Letterman, I got to see "The Amazing Kreskin" up close and personal right here in the Patch!
(If you have to ask who Kreskin is...you might want to climb out of your hole and check out the link).

Screamworks(a Halloween Spooktacular) was in town to frighten the locals (in a good way) over the weekend and the highlight was over 2 hours of face time with a living legend.

It's hard to believe that a livestock auction barn, that doubles as a flea market on the weekends, could play host to such a magnificent talent. Once Kreskin took the stage the faint smell of cow dung dissipated and was replaced with the sweet smell of awesomeness.

Sadly the acoustics were a bit crap...lets face it...unless you're auctioning off meat (that can walk home with you) this venue was not meant for microphones and loud speakers.
When Kreskin first graced the stage he sprung from behind the makeshift curtain in his sassy silk shirt to the wild applause of about 150 locals sitting on stackable chairs on the cement floor. Immediately the microphone started crapping out and at one point caused the speakers to feed back so violently that Kreskin temporarily lost his hearing in one ear. He was visibly shaken by the ordeal but in true showman style he continued on with his performance, despite the protestations of the audience members urging him to take a break.

His tireless wit and repartee was truly mesmerizing. I was absolutely delighted with his performance. He executed awesome card "tricks" and using the power of suggestion gained control over about 20 volunteers from the audience. He picked up thoughts from individuals in the audience, rhyming off their birthdays and names of loved ones, and performed the famous check trick, where audience members hide his check and if he can't find it he doesn't get paid. He never ceased to amaze the crowd.

To add effect, during the show, Mother Nature let loose with a severe thunderstorm. Rain and hail pounded down on the tin roof of the auction barn and thunder rolled ominously outside.

Everyone did their best to put this show on, under challenging circumstances and the crowd was not disappointed. I was surprised at the smallish size of the audience. I know it was a school night...but $17.00 to see a living legend! How could you pass that up?

Kreskin is a true showman void of pretension, full of energy and heart.
I can't wait to see him again!


B-Dawg on the Amazed front!

*I apologize for the quality of my pics...I was using Jolene's camera and I'm not use to the settings...normally I would use my own point and click but some douchebag stole it from my house.
(PS. you suck douchebag who stole my purse)

What's mine is yours? CFMF'ers!

Well bro's and ho's it's been another banner weekend in the Patch.

To start it all off some dirty, slippery, pissant broke into my house and stole my purse. Not just my wallet, my entire purse which contained my cell phone, camera (which I use to take awesome shots of local bullshite) and my crappy sports watch...that I just happen to love in a not so healthy way. I gotta say I'm not as upset as I should be. It's a little unnatural...

I've had my wallet stolen twice before back when I lived in Toronto and they were stolen off of my person while riding public transit. Maybe that's why "I don't do public transit."
Sure It made me feel violated and dirty but not like having some bottom feeder come into your house and take only one thing. Like they knew exactly what they were looking for...dirty douche(s).
I have to apologize to the criminal because I'm sure they were excited to get a cell phone, until they found out I'm a "pay as you go" customer...I only buy like 30 minutes at a time so I guess they couldn't reach those Malaysian hookers they were trying to get a rise out of.


I'll really miss my wallet...it was unique and immature and I quite loved it. It was just your
standard wallet but it had the same cartoon picture as this mug has on the front of it. I'm not a vindictive ex-boyfriend hater...the sentiment just makes me laugh. That wallet made me giggle every time I saw it...and I got alot of compliments on it. Maybe the clerk at the Mac's milk complimented the robber on its cleverness as they completed a transaction for a carton of cigarettes with my Visa card....I hate to think of some pasty faced grease ball (male or female) touching the contents of my purse. The pictures of my nephew, my Happy Bunny dayplanner, my filthy old Timex sports watch....
My actual purse was not high end but I was fond of it too...but most of all I'll miss my LED dolphin light/keychain that made errant dolphin squeals when you pressed the button. I hope you dirty mf'ers enjoy my new watch battery...I hope it explodes in your eyes and burns your dirty little sole.

So suck it monkeys the Dove is loaded and ready for action and this time it's personal. I've got a douchebag seeking missile of slimy deuce action heading your way!

B-low on the burgled front!

P.S. I hope you choke on an altoid you CFMF'er(s)!

PT Loser

Alright the Dove has been on a brief hiatus, only coming out to drop some serious deuces on the knucklehead population. Hard to believe the Dove has slept through the Canadian election...yes the dirty ol' boys club did regain power...with a greater majority than last time ...yipes! That hurts my mind grapes.

Right now the weather in Canada is a little up and down. Last week we were sweating our baggage off and the leaves were changing colour. This week hurricane like winds are ripping the leaves from the trees and depositing them willy nilly. The temperature is dipping near the freezing mark and I'm forced to wear socks. It just ain't right!
But you gotta take the crunchy with the smooth so like all good Canadians I take it all in stride.

Most mornings when I get up my car is covered in a dewy film that is every so close to frost and I need to use the defroster and turn the heat on to keep a full body chatter from gripping me.
By the end of the work day It's a little stuffy and hot in the old mobile and I crank the fan and put down the window.
Today was no exception. As I drove into the blinding sun on one of our main streets (Lansdowne) I opened the windows in the front of the car to blow the stink off. The warmth of the sun accompanied by the gentle breeze was simply divine. Until I was assaulted by some dumb ass noise pollution.
Lansdowne Street is four lanes wide (two going east and two going west). I was stopped in a line of traffic waiting for a light when I heard the voices of a disgruntled, entitled, douchie youth spewing from a maroon PT Cruiser.
First I heard this nasty phlegmy cough and I was intrigued so I couldn't tune out the tirade of stupidity that followed. I figured this little douchewad was going to hack up a lung. When he finished spewing lung butter he started spewing bullshite! What follows is a reasonable facsimile of what he said to his friend who was driving;

Douchewad 1: Insert sounds of lung rattle and mung production...."Yeah, so I thought fuck that! I'm not going to class today. I had a fuckin' rough night and they can suck it!"

Douchewad #2: "Um, humh."

Douchewad#1: "Yeah, so I smoked a blunt and I went back to bed!"

Douchewad#2: "Yup."

That's pretty much all I got because the light changed and we all know that Pt Cruisers are super fast! And I thought I wasn't going to hear anything good today...well pickle my giblets and call me Nancy!

So I have packed the Dove full of rotting Thanksgiving leftovers (Yes we have Thanksgiving in October so cram it!) and sent it on a quest for a maroon PT Cruiser containing 2 lads wearing baseball hats backwards, spewing bullshit and smokin' blunt! After the Dove gets its share an unholy torrent of deuce will be unleashed on these posers! We'll see who skips class tomorrow! Whuh!

B-spot out!

For the love of lite syrup

Once again the people of Peterborough can rest easy knowing that justice has been served.

Early Thursday morning a local man wandered into a convenience store and nabbed a fruit cup. Without paying he macked that mf'er down and left the store without so much as a "bill me" or a, "this fruit cups on the man".

The clerk called police who later tracked this syrup junkie down. It sounds like they gave him the option of coughing up the $1.59 for the snack, you would think case closed.
Well apparently crime doesn't pay and neither does this guy.
All hepped up on lite syrup from his fruity snack he become belligerent and got all up in the officers grillz. His seemingly minor "snack attack" landed him with charges of resisting arrest.

Sadly this douche took valuable police presence away from the downtown after last call. No doubt a variety of ass hammers got away with jaywalking and punching road signs.

The moral of this story...never get between a man and his fruit cup.
It's a fact!
b-spot on the syrupy side

Hyberbole below the belt

From the title of this post you're probably assuming that Jolene (my gentleman friend) has been exaggerating about his manhood again...no it has to do with the following headline from the Peterborough Examiner:

Cash stolen while man in washroom.

If Jolene were to exaggerate it would most likely fall under this headline from last week:

Five-foot python found downtown.

Anyway back to 'bid-ness'. I was drawn to the first headline by the sheer audacity of any criminal who would rob a man when his pants were down. “By audacity, I mean huuuuuuuubris overweeeening pride.” - Principal Blackman .
Is there a time when we are more vulnerable to attack then when we're on the crapper donating to the waste stream? I don't think so my friends. To further add insult to injury the man who was robbed was disabled. What kind of "no class Bobby Bass" would rob a disabled person while they were popping a deuce?
This incident took place at the public washroom in Peterborough Square (a.k.a. Peterborough Scare) our original indoor mall in the downtown core. A cesspool for the knucklehead set in the Patch.

The first line of this news article reads as follows "A 59-year-old man with a disability had his fanny pack ransacked in a washroom at Peterborough Square."
I want you to take special note of the word "ransacked." I don't know about you guys but when I think of something being ransacked it's usually bigger than a "fanny pack", like a freakin' duffel bag or an...apartment! Sure he "pillaged" the fanny pack but can't we find a more appropriate descriptors for this particular event? How about "he thumbed through" or "savagely eyeballed the contents of" for a start.
I truly feel bad for the gentleman who was robbed after he "placed his pouch on the floor." (That had to hurt)
But a fanny pack? Are you kidding me? If there's one thing I can't stand the sight of it's a fanny pack. On a man or woman it's just plain wrong. I know "live and let live" but somethings are just not palatable...don't get me started, don't even get me started!
Too late...
I hate fanny packs!
Yeah dudes! I'm not looking at your bulge when we pass on the street...it's the wad above your rod that makes me stare in disbelief.
Yeah I know, all you lovers of the crotch pouch are saying how you love to be hands free. No straps or back pocket bulges to hinder you as you cruise the strip in your acid wash jeans...well I've got news it ain't a good look for anyone. Also the word "fanny" means something very different in Europe...It's slang for a part of the female anatomy.

Maybe I'll do a woman on the street expose...Men who wear fanny packs and the women who put up with it! WHUH!
Sorry haters...I'm just really angry!
So be on the look out for the following pouch ravaging maniac. He "is described as white (can't a brother get a break?), 18 to 30 years old with black hair, clean-shaven standing about 5’ 8” with a thin build wearing brown pants and a white shirt." Note he was not wearing a fanny pack.

So the major Dove dump here is for the douche who robbed the disabled man with the fanny pack...but I can't help it if a little deuce juice trickles onto fanny pack wearers everywhere...the dove does not discriminate!

So if you've learned anything today; let it be that you should never put your pouch on the floor of a public washroom! Besides being uncomfortable it's unsanitary and just plain wrong.

B-low up the creek without a pouch

Sitemeter Queries

Well brahs, it's been a slow news week in the Patch so I thought I would take this opportunity to share some of the searches people have used when they've stumbled upon the "Dove of Hate."
Most of the time it's nothing too alarming, I get alot of hits for "truly tasteless jokes" and "cj's country bar" (okay the cj's one does give me a chill but liquor calms my soul).

I recently found a search for "manly nipples" I'd like to thank my friends in Texas for putting that one out there. My personal favourite is from back in the winter "deuce chute"...that was ofcourse until recently.
The most awesome search words generally come from our friends in the United Kingdom. Now Peterborough Ontario is not the only Peterborough in the world. There is also one in the United Kingdom that I often come across when surfing the interwebs.

I think they spend alot of time googling weird shit in the U.K.. Personally, I can get behind that kind of pastime so mad props to the Brits!
I recently found "Peterborough song polish" and perhaps the most awesome recent search (pictured on the left) that originated in the U.K. "enema sins."*

I don't know about you kids but when did a warm gush of water up the poop chute (or deuce chute) become a sin? Sometimes you just need a little help to dislodge that stubborn chunk that's clogging up the whole works.
So keep the hits coming my friends across the pond and
have a warm sudsy one on me!

B-low unplugged

*photo jpg courtesy of the Chrisp cause I'm a mongo.

Random Musings

First of all I'd like to give mad props to my peeps down in the "T" to the "ON" with the "RENT" in the middle "Trentonkat" and the "BF&A" for their recognition through the Trenton Blogwatch Noblog Awards. What can I say...you guys complete me. Without you I couldn't go on...all alone north of the border...sigh. Kudos Brahs!
(For these blogs check my sidebar or feel my wrath!)

Now for something completely different...
Yesterday I enjoyed a leisurely breakfast with some close friends and then walked down to a weekly Farmer's Market to fondle the produce. It was "firm and full" and well worth the walk.
Fortunately I had my camera with me and was able to capture this graffiti scrawled on the back of a broken bench, across from the methadone clinic, in the downtown core.
It reads "this isn't vandalism i went to art school."
If I were this particular graffiti artist I think I'd be asking for a refund. If my dad were here he'd say "don't quite your day job."
It's signed by Red Fox. Now it's conceivable that Red Fox may have relocated to Peterborough after his death and be haunting the downtown core. I often hear someone shouting "Lizbeth, I'm coming...this is the big one!" But he spells his name with two x's so it must be someone else. I plan on being extra vigilant with my camera, keeping an eye out for the next poignant missive from "red fox" the artist (I'm using that term loosely).
As I stated above this bench is across from our "methadone" clinic. The computer generated sign in the window is more discreet and refers to it as a pain management clinic. Addiction and pain suck so I'm glad there is means of support for people in recovery here in town.
Well except for the niblet who (allegedly) left his three 245 millilitre bottles of methadone on a city bus. He called the bus terminal but the methadone was not to be found. Yeah I think I've got an idea about where it might be...my mom rides the bus.

I was thinking about maybe spending a little more time in the downtown core until this headline further dissuaded me...

Five-foot python found downtown

Thankfully the manager of the local Humane Society has put my mind at ease with the following comment;
“It’s pretty unusual to have one that big running around,”... “This one definitely gets your attention.”

So are you saying that there are several pythons running around that are under 5 feet long that are not visible to the naked eye? I don't know about you bro but any snake, including Gardener snakes, gets my attention. (Insert gratuitous one eyed trouser snaked joke here...nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

He further went on to discuss the regulations around the ownership of exotic snakes.

Pythons are considered a restricted animal according to city bylaw, which requires a permit to own such a pet.

Several Peterborough pet stores sell about 40 to 60 snakes each month, but in his seven years with the humane society no permits have been issued.

“You can have the snakes as long as you have a permit,” he said.

I'm thinking that maybe you can have the snake with or without a permit. Considering none have been issued in the past seven years, yet 40 to 60 snakes are sold every month something doesn't gel.

So put on your deuce deflecting helmets and run for cover cause the Dove has been consuming a high fiber diet and can shoot on command.

B-low on the northern grind