Hyberbole below the belt

From the title of this post you're probably assuming that Jolene (my gentleman friend) has been exaggerating about his manhood again...no it has to do with the following headline from the Peterborough Examiner:

Cash stolen while man in washroom.

If Jolene were to exaggerate it would most likely fall under this headline from last week:

Five-foot python found downtown.

Anyway back to 'bid-ness'. I was drawn to the first headline by the sheer audacity of any criminal who would rob a man when his pants were down. “By audacity, I mean huuuuuuuubris overweeeening pride.” - Principal Blackman .
Is there a time when we are more vulnerable to attack then when we're on the crapper donating to the waste stream? I don't think so my friends. To further add insult to injury the man who was robbed was disabled. What kind of "no class Bobby Bass" would rob a disabled person while they were popping a deuce?
This incident took place at the public washroom in Peterborough Square (a.k.a. Peterborough Scare) our original indoor mall in the downtown core. A cesspool for the knucklehead set in the Patch.

The first line of this news article reads as follows "A 59-year-old man with a disability had his fanny pack ransacked in a washroom at Peterborough Square."
I want you to take special note of the word "ransacked." I don't know about you guys but when I think of something being ransacked it's usually bigger than a "fanny pack", like a freakin' duffel bag or an...apartment! Sure he "pillaged" the fanny pack but can't we find a more appropriate descriptors for this particular event? How about "he thumbed through" or "savagely eyeballed the contents of" for a start.
I truly feel bad for the gentleman who was robbed after he "placed his pouch on the floor." (That had to hurt)
But a fanny pack? Are you kidding me? If there's one thing I can't stand the sight of it's a fanny pack. On a man or woman it's just plain wrong. I know "live and let live" but somethings are just not palatable...don't get me started, don't even get me started!
Too late...
I hate fanny packs!
Yeah dudes! I'm not looking at your bulge when we pass on the street...it's the wad above your rod that makes me stare in disbelief.
Yeah I know, all you lovers of the crotch pouch are saying how you love to be hands free. No straps or back pocket bulges to hinder you as you cruise the strip in your acid wash jeans...well I've got news it ain't a good look for anyone. Also the word "fanny" means something very different in Europe...It's slang for a part of the female anatomy.

Maybe I'll do a woman on the street expose...Men who wear fanny packs and the women who put up with it! WHUH!
Sorry haters...I'm just really angry!
So be on the look out for the following pouch ravaging maniac. He "is described as white (can't a brother get a break?), 18 to 30 years old with black hair, clean-shaven standing about 5’ 8” with a thin build wearing brown pants and a white shirt." Note he was not wearing a fanny pack.

So the major Dove dump here is for the douche who robbed the disabled man with the fanny pack...but I can't help it if a little deuce juice trickles onto fanny pack wearers everywhere...the dove does not discriminate!

So if you've learned anything today; let it be that you should never put your pouch on the floor of a public washroom! Besides being uncomfortable it's unsanitary and just plain wrong.

B-low up the creek without a pouch

Sitemeter Queries

Well brahs, it's been a slow news week in the Patch so I thought I would take this opportunity to share some of the searches people have used when they've stumbled upon the "Dove of Hate."
Most of the time it's nothing too alarming, I get alot of hits for "truly tasteless jokes" and "cj's country bar" (okay the cj's one does give me a chill but liquor calms my soul).

I recently found a search for "manly nipples" I'd like to thank my friends in Texas for putting that one out there. My personal favourite is from back in the winter "deuce chute"...that was ofcourse until recently.
The most awesome search words generally come from our friends in the United Kingdom. Now Peterborough Ontario is not the only Peterborough in the world. There is also one in the United Kingdom that I often come across when surfing the interwebs.

I think they spend alot of time googling weird shit in the U.K.. Personally, I can get behind that kind of pastime so mad props to the Brits!
I recently found "Peterborough song polish" and perhaps the most awesome recent search (pictured on the left) that originated in the U.K. "enema sins."*

I don't know about you kids but when did a warm gush of water up the poop chute (or deuce chute) become a sin? Sometimes you just need a little help to dislodge that stubborn chunk that's clogging up the whole works.
So keep the hits coming my friends across the pond and
have a warm sudsy one on me!

B-low unplugged

*photo jpg courtesy of the Chrisp cause I'm a mongo.

Random Musings

First of all I'd like to give mad props to my peeps down in the "T" to the "ON" with the "RENT" in the middle "Trentonkat" and the "BF&A" for their recognition through the Trenton Blogwatch Noblog Awards. What can I say...you guys complete me. Without you I couldn't go on...all alone north of the border...sigh. Kudos Brahs!
(For these blogs check my sidebar or feel my wrath!)

Now for something completely different...
Yesterday I enjoyed a leisurely breakfast with some close friends and then walked down to a weekly Farmer's Market to fondle the produce. It was "firm and full" and well worth the walk.
Fortunately I had my camera with me and was able to capture this graffiti scrawled on the back of a broken bench, across from the methadone clinic, in the downtown core.
It reads "this isn't vandalism i went to art school."
If I were this particular graffiti artist I think I'd be asking for a refund. If my dad were here he'd say "don't quite your day job."
It's signed by Red Fox. Now it's conceivable that Red Fox may have relocated to Peterborough after his death and be haunting the downtown core. I often hear someone shouting "Lizbeth, I'm coming...this is the big one!" But he spells his name with two x's so it must be someone else. I plan on being extra vigilant with my camera, keeping an eye out for the next poignant missive from "red fox" the artist (I'm using that term loosely).
As I stated above this bench is across from our "methadone" clinic. The computer generated sign in the window is more discreet and refers to it as a pain management clinic. Addiction and pain suck so I'm glad there is means of support for people in recovery here in town.
Well except for the niblet who (allegedly) left his three 245 millilitre bottles of methadone on a city bus. He called the bus terminal but the methadone was not to be found. Yeah I think I've got an idea about where it might be...my mom rides the bus.

I was thinking about maybe spending a little more time in the downtown core until this headline further dissuaded me...

Five-foot python found downtown

Thankfully the manager of the local Humane Society has put my mind at ease with the following comment;
“It’s pretty unusual to have one that big running around,”... “This one definitely gets your attention.”

So are you saying that there are several pythons running around that are under 5 feet long that are not visible to the naked eye? I don't know about you bro but any snake, including Gardener snakes, gets my attention. (Insert gratuitous one eyed trouser snaked joke here...nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

He further went on to discuss the regulations around the ownership of exotic snakes.

Pythons are considered a restricted animal according to city bylaw, which requires a permit to own such a pet.

Several Peterborough pet stores sell about 40 to 60 snakes each month, but in his seven years with the humane society no permits have been issued.

“You can have the snakes as long as you have a permit,” he said.

I'm thinking that maybe you can have the snake with or without a permit. Considering none have been issued in the past seven years, yet 40 to 60 snakes are sold every month something doesn't gel.

So put on your deuce deflecting helmets and run for cover cause the Dove has been consuming a high fiber diet and can shoot on command.

B-low on the northern grind

Sweet Freedom!

Peterborough plays host to many things. Last call bar fights, a seedy underbelly and more notably the Festival of Lights. The Festival is a series of free outdoor concerts on Wednesday and Saturday nights during the summer months, capped by a fireworks display. The Festival organizers attract an eclectic mix of talent to appeal to a variety of audiences. Performers such as cover artist "Elton Joel", alternative singer "Ron Sexsmith" and opera singer "Michael Burgess". The also host local talent and more well known bands such as 80's pop band "Glass Tiger". I apologize to my American friends who may not know who some of these people are...many of them are Canadian eh.

Sadly...for some "Glass Tiger" is not welcome back to the concert venue. According to one of the local organizers "most of the artists who performed this summer were polite and gracious, but this was not the case for Glass Tiger. The '80s pop group from Newmarket swore at staff, swore onstage at the family event and graffitied autograph tables with permanent marker."
Wow, how can we "forget you when you're gone" when you've left a permanent mark on our town. Did somebody forget to tell the guys with the fake Scottish accents that this was strictly PG. You can drop innuendo all you want but none of that in your face stuff! I have never been a big fan of Glass Tiger so there is no love lost for me. I say replace them with someone like Rick Fines or maybe even Blue Rodeo, really anyone...I'd like to see more of "Jimmy's light show" one of the buskers who walks around with his dummy. Even better, how about an all ages Karaoke night? I know the festival staff will fill the void with an awesome act! So put that in your backpack "Glass Tiger".
I digress...
August 23rd was the grand finale of the Festival and the line up was truly great. A Toronto band called "Hello Operator" did an awesome set for the crowd before headliner...wait for it..."Sweet" also known as "The Sweet" took to the stage. Sadly, not all of the original band members were alive to be there but their bushy haired spirits live on in the mane 'n tail of their replacements.We waited anxiously for them to peel off such hits as "Love is like Oxygen" and "Little Willy". They made us wait for it and even threw in a couple of new numbers to throw us off their scent. They played "Fox on the run", still we waited for them to plant "Ballroom Blitz" on us, or as my friend "E" referred to it,"bar room bash". Finally, after leaving the stage without a trace of "Ballroom Blitz" they returned for their encore...the anticipation was palpable...they played yet another small hit as we waited for the barn burner closing...my friend "D" leaned over and whispered, with a sense of impatience...."play the fucking song!" At long last they dropped it on us....since Andy and Mick were no longer with them it went a little like this..."Are you ready Steve? Steve? Stuart? Well alright....!" Oh yeah it was a ballroom blitz. Number one fans b-lined for the mosh pit and free concert hogs began to close up their lawn chairs and head for their cars. As the final notes left the band the sky was lit up with the grand finale fireworks. It was truly awesome.
The Festival of Lights is one of the truly great things about Peterborough. We do have alot of culture, not all bacterial. There is an art gallery, university and college and a bit of the granola edge throughout the Patch. Many local venues like the Montreal House and Dobro's play host to local talent. Peterborough isn't all about bar fights after last call.

Despite the rainy weather this summer the Festival organizers were able to plod on and deliver some great shows to their public.

As I sat watching "Sweet" I couldn't help but notice the crowd. There were young and old alike, some of which were just out for a free night of entertainment and had no clue what kind of an act they were there to see. Sweet was kind to the crowd but if you have any idea about 70's rock sensations in general...things are gonna get a little loud. Wawa pedals are going to be used. My recommendation is to sit well away from the speakers or stay home and watch "Matlock".
So today I'm oiling up the Dove of Hate to drop a steaming deuce on some people who took up prime real estate at the "Sweet" concert on August 23rd. (The following is from the Peterborough Examiner- note I copied it in a diarrhea colour to reflect my opinion of these individuals)

Sweet but loud

Most people in last Saturday night's Festival of Lights crowd enjoyed rocking out with Sweet, but two audience members sitting behind the VIP section weren't so impressed. They sat in their lawn chairs with their fingers in their ears for a couple songs, nearing the end of the set.

Yeah, performers love it when you do that. Thanks for coming out fans! I hope you hit some grey matter when you plugged your ears duffenheims!
So, haters, I advise you to get your fingers out of your ears and run for cover because the steaming deuce of justice is coming your way.

Later Haters!

B-low on the Sweet side!

Hoo Hoo's

Alright, I haven't got alot to say about this one. I think the photograph speaks for me in many ways. My friend "H" and I were having an expensive coffee drink at the "Silver Bean" in downtown Peterborough when I noticed this word all alone, scrawled on a support beam.

Just "Vagina's". Nothing else. Like all this odd ball graffiti artist sees is "Vagina's" everywhere he/she goes..."Vagina's" not Vagina. Vagina with an apostrophe "s" implying possession. Like "Hey aren't those Bills vagina's over there?" A vagina philanderer or collector if you will...anyway I thought it was a little f'ed up and a little freeing. So I'm taking back the word like I took back the night...So keep your hands off my Vagina's!
Get your own "Vagina's"!!
WHUH! So put that in your nut sac!

B-low on the coolie front

Pump it up

Alright deuces, I got something to say!
Today I had to take my car in for rustproofing (that's something we Canadians due because of the harsh winter conditions) to keep our rides from turning to dust by spring. I also had to shellac my igloo and get out my tire chains to prepare for the onslaught of winter...nuff said.

Since I was without my regular wheels I decided to ride my commuter bike to the YMCA to work on my pecs and my glutes. I prefer to take my commuter bike to public places where I will be locking it out of my view for long periods of time. My other bikes are never out of my sight in public places. Bike theft is quickly on the rise in Canada. Check out this CBC story about a dirty douche from Toronto who actually ran a bike store/bike theft ring. What an ass hammer!
Anywhore...
After I finished my intense workout I came outside to get my bike only to find that the front tire was completely flat. Fuckity, fuck, fuck!
In all fairness I do very little maintenance on this bike so I really do deserve to get a flat tire or have the chain crumble and turn to dust some day soon. I wasn't really pissed about the whole flat tire...I figured it was a slow leak and I could just get it pumped up at a local gas station and be on my merry way. First problem, finding an f'in gas station in this jerk water town. I swear to God there are like maybe 7 gas stations in Peterborough and they are not convenient unless your driving...which I guess is their perogative. I decided to head to the Petro Canada station at the corner of Lansdowne and Monaghan Road. It felt like it took me an eternity. I don't mind walking, but walking and pushing a dead weight kind of gets me down. I finally reached the Petro Can only to discover that those chiseling bastards wanted $1.00 for their freakin' air. Are you shittin' me? Who decided that one dollar was a fair price for one of the elements? I thought 50 cents maybe or hey it might even be free...like at the old Canadian Tire Gas Bar...but no Petro Canada wants to soak me for a dollar. Holy shit!
What could I do...I paid the $1.00 only to find that the front tube on the bike is totally screwed, chewed and barbecued. So put that in your back pack! Don't worry though I stood there and squeezed my total dollars worth of air...I want a receipt for that so I can claim it on my income tax under "BULLSHIT EXPENSES". So look out above you hairy, thieving bastards who put a monetary amount on air...the dove is locked and loaded and full of Taco Bell...Chalupa Poopa is flying your way now! WHUH!

My brolley G.. K-Why tells me that air only costs 75 cents in Jersey. That just might be enough incentive for me to relocate!
B-low on the northern grind!

Brown Disaster Aisle 5

Okay deuces...you'll be glad to know that I was not deterred by my last visit to No Frills...my local cut rate grocery store. During that visit I saw a dirt-wad of masterful proportions riding his freakin' bike through the produce section.
This morning I decided to venture to my favourite grocery store...they stock all the awesome President's Choice products, often at lower prices than their parent store Loblaws. It's a muggy Sunday morning...the store shouldn't be too busy, with people attending church and/or sleeping off Saturday nights sins.
I scored big this morning...the cart I got was broken so it was free - normally you have to pop a quarter into the cart to rent it for your shopping experience. This tactic is meant to deter people from stealing the carts to take their groceries home in...I gotta be honest, 25 cents does not appear to be a high enough price to keep the carts on the lot. What would Bubbles do?
Anyway, I began my sojourn through the produce aisle and proceeded with ease to work my way through the store. I spotted a till that was ready for me to make my purchases and headed that way. Little did I know what awaited me there. I was behind an older couple and as I started to unload my groceries one of the girls from another checkout told me I must have shit on my shoe. Yeah I'm pretty sure she said shit...she didn't soften the blow with poop or dung. At first I thought I must have tracked it in from somewhere...until I looked around and saw several small piles around a pillar in the middle of the store...apparently the trail went all the way down the health and beauty aisle, ending at till 8 where I had the misfortune to step in it.
Yes folks...it was 100% adult human feces. Someone felt the urge to purge and couldn't stem the tidal flow of pooh until they got home.
The checkout girl called for someone to clean it...I gotta say no one jumped at the opportunity. I was there for about 10 minutes and they were still standing around debating when I left.
I gotta say I feel for the person who couldn't hold it...that's the shits literally and figuratively. What a terrible feeling...I am personally thankful for my excellent sphincter control and don't blame the person who let her rip. Shit happens.
What gets the Dove all worked up was the reaction of the one little scrag at the till. She couldn't shut her mouth about it. She felt the need to tell everyone who came through her till about it and by the looks on their faces they were all thinking twice about their purchases. She also thought it was hilarious that I had stepped in some of the run off and also informed her clients of this...until she realized I was still their...she then tried to act concerned about whether or not I'd been able to get my shoes cleaned off...just how was I to do that? I told her I'd have to take care of it later...dumb bitch.
Fortunately I had another pair of shoes in my car and I was able to segregate my shoes for the ride home...where I hosed them off with the garden hose.
So the Dove of Hate is brewing a bristly browner for the Express Checkout girl and the slow reaction of the cleaning crew, who were probably playing "rock, paper, scissors" to figure out who would clean up the dung trail.
B-spot on the fecal front!