Ass Hammers of the Week

Well kids the Dove is trying to get into the Christmas spirit but the skizz wad element in the Patch is really starting to make 'er old wings droop. On Saturday some fine upstanding citizen clipped the drivers side mirror on my car, don't worry they didn't leave a note or anything. I wouldn't want to have my faith in humanity restored so close to Christmas or anything.

In light of recent events around the ranch (namely having my purse and other property stolen from my home) I can safely say I lost my mind when I saw it. WTF?! The only thing that has started to calm me down is knowing that they're car was crappier than mine and they left a big piece of it behind. I'm going to have it bronzed and mounted on my hood, Mad Max style. The Dove has all scofflaws in it's sights and is ready to unleash a foul torrent of stink on command!

With the help of Jolene and some screws and Black Duck Tape (Yeah it's Duck Tape Glenda! WHUH!) I'm able to commute to work safely for now. This bitch needs her freakin' mirrors brahs!

Fortunately I found something in today's paper that, though it irked me to no end, made me laugh at the ignorance of those who chose to break the law.
Peterborough is home to Canada's canoe museum. It's housed in what use to be the Outboard Marine Factory Offices on Monaghan road. My dad worked in the factory at Outboard for many years until it closed down and went down Mexico way. Though the building is not much to look at from the outside it is a fantastic museum and I highly recommend that you check it out when you're in the hood.
Anyway....on Saturday night a couple of pranksters cut down a live coniferous tree on the property. That's a pretty shitty thing to do...I don't care if they thought it was just a prank, they killed a tree and a little Christmas spirit to boot.
Thankfully, unlike most of the petty crime in this town, there was a witness who called the police. They came and located the dastardly duo in the parking lot at a local Tim Horton's, about half a block from the museum. I apologize for the lack of clarity in the following picture...the canoe museum sign can be seen on the far left, in the background you can see a cluster of signs, if you look really hard you can see the yellow and white of the Tim Horton's sign. Yes folks it's that close to the scene of the crime.

Knowing that these two jackasses were caught red handed has perked the Dove up a little bit. Don't worry the Dove is always locked and loaded to squirt a shower of deuce on the wamblers of the universe. Fa la la la la, la la la splorch!

B-low on the cold northern front!

Under the N-toxicated!

Finally two of my favourite things are coming together right here in Peterborough. Bingo and Booze!

Imagine my delight as I scraped the sleep from my eyes to read the joyful news. I had to pinch myself to see if it was real. The local bingo hall (which use to house a roller rink) is now serving spirits! Yippee! And I thought nothing good was going to happen today.
No longer will this past time be associated with tea drinkers and church basements...bring on the kegs and the house wine cause, "its gonna get raw in here like sushi", so dabbers to the left!
Apparently Peterborough's bingo hall is the first one to obtain a liquor license, since the government brought in legislation making it legal to serve alcohol at these venues in 2007. Proving once again that Peterborough is a trail blazing community.

The owner says "It's an experiment. You try this, you try that; what works you keep, what doesn't you boot,"..."It's a learning thing." Now there's a business owner who knows the community and his clientele. He's definitely gonna have to keep his boots handy!

Later haters!
B-spot under the O for out! WHUH!

Did somebody say Amazing?

You bet your sweet bibby they did!

Finally after years of seeing him only on TV talk shows like Carson and Letterman, I got to see "The Amazing Kreskin" up close and personal right here in the Patch!
(If you have to ask who Kreskin is...you might want to climb out of your hole and check out the link).

Screamworks(a Halloween Spooktacular) was in town to frighten the locals (in a good way) over the weekend and the highlight was over 2 hours of face time with a living legend.

It's hard to believe that a livestock auction barn, that doubles as a flea market on the weekends, could play host to such a magnificent talent. Once Kreskin took the stage the faint smell of cow dung dissipated and was replaced with the sweet smell of awesomeness.

Sadly the acoustics were a bit crap...lets face it...unless you're auctioning off meat (that can walk home with you) this venue was not meant for microphones and loud speakers.
When Kreskin first graced the stage he sprung from behind the makeshift curtain in his sassy silk shirt to the wild applause of about 150 locals sitting on stackable chairs on the cement floor. Immediately the microphone started crapping out and at one point caused the speakers to feed back so violently that Kreskin temporarily lost his hearing in one ear. He was visibly shaken by the ordeal but in true showman style he continued on with his performance, despite the protestations of the audience members urging him to take a break.

His tireless wit and repartee was truly mesmerizing. I was absolutely delighted with his performance. He executed awesome card "tricks" and using the power of suggestion gained control over about 20 volunteers from the audience. He picked up thoughts from individuals in the audience, rhyming off their birthdays and names of loved ones, and performed the famous check trick, where audience members hide his check and if he can't find it he doesn't get paid. He never ceased to amaze the crowd.

To add effect, during the show, Mother Nature let loose with a severe thunderstorm. Rain and hail pounded down on the tin roof of the auction barn and thunder rolled ominously outside.

Everyone did their best to put this show on, under challenging circumstances and the crowd was not disappointed. I was surprised at the smallish size of the audience. I know it was a school night...but $17.00 to see a living legend! How could you pass that up?

Kreskin is a true showman void of pretension, full of energy and heart.
I can't wait to see him again!


B-Dawg on the Amazed front!

*I apologize for the quality of my pics...I was using Jolene's camera and I'm not use to the settings...normally I would use my own point and click but some douchebag stole it from my house.
(PS. you suck douchebag who stole my purse)

What's mine is yours? CFMF'ers!

Well bro's and ho's it's been another banner weekend in the Patch.

To start it all off some dirty, slippery, pissant broke into my house and stole my purse. Not just my wallet, my entire purse which contained my cell phone, camera (which I use to take awesome shots of local bullshite) and my crappy sports watch...that I just happen to love in a not so healthy way. I gotta say I'm not as upset as I should be. It's a little unnatural...

I've had my wallet stolen twice before back when I lived in Toronto and they were stolen off of my person while riding public transit. Maybe that's why "I don't do public transit."
Sure It made me feel violated and dirty but not like having some bottom feeder come into your house and take only one thing. Like they knew exactly what they were looking for...dirty douche(s).
I have to apologize to the criminal because I'm sure they were excited to get a cell phone, until they found out I'm a "pay as you go" customer...I only buy like 30 minutes at a time so I guess they couldn't reach those Malaysian hookers they were trying to get a rise out of.


I'll really miss my wallet...it was unique and immature and I quite loved it. It was just your
standard wallet but it had the same cartoon picture as this mug has on the front of it. I'm not a vindictive ex-boyfriend hater...the sentiment just makes me laugh. That wallet made me giggle every time I saw it...and I got alot of compliments on it. Maybe the clerk at the Mac's milk complimented the robber on its cleverness as they completed a transaction for a carton of cigarettes with my Visa card....I hate to think of some pasty faced grease ball (male or female) touching the contents of my purse. The pictures of my nephew, my Happy Bunny dayplanner, my filthy old Timex sports watch....
My actual purse was not high end but I was fond of it too...but most of all I'll miss my LED dolphin light/keychain that made errant dolphin squeals when you pressed the button. I hope you dirty mf'ers enjoy my new watch battery...I hope it explodes in your eyes and burns your dirty little sole.

So suck it monkeys the Dove is loaded and ready for action and this time it's personal. I've got a douchebag seeking missile of slimy deuce action heading your way!

B-low on the burgled front!

P.S. I hope you choke on an altoid you CFMF'er(s)!

PT Loser

Alright the Dove has been on a brief hiatus, only coming out to drop some serious deuces on the knucklehead population. Hard to believe the Dove has slept through the Canadian election...yes the dirty ol' boys club did regain power...with a greater majority than last time ...yipes! That hurts my mind grapes.

Right now the weather in Canada is a little up and down. Last week we were sweating our baggage off and the leaves were changing colour. This week hurricane like winds are ripping the leaves from the trees and depositing them willy nilly. The temperature is dipping near the freezing mark and I'm forced to wear socks. It just ain't right!
But you gotta take the crunchy with the smooth so like all good Canadians I take it all in stride.

Most mornings when I get up my car is covered in a dewy film that is every so close to frost and I need to use the defroster and turn the heat on to keep a full body chatter from gripping me.
By the end of the work day It's a little stuffy and hot in the old mobile and I crank the fan and put down the window.
Today was no exception. As I drove into the blinding sun on one of our main streets (Lansdowne) I opened the windows in the front of the car to blow the stink off. The warmth of the sun accompanied by the gentle breeze was simply divine. Until I was assaulted by some dumb ass noise pollution.
Lansdowne Street is four lanes wide (two going east and two going west). I was stopped in a line of traffic waiting for a light when I heard the voices of a disgruntled, entitled, douchie youth spewing from a maroon PT Cruiser.
First I heard this nasty phlegmy cough and I was intrigued so I couldn't tune out the tirade of stupidity that followed. I figured this little douchewad was going to hack up a lung. When he finished spewing lung butter he started spewing bullshite! What follows is a reasonable facsimile of what he said to his friend who was driving;

Douchewad 1: Insert sounds of lung rattle and mung production...."Yeah, so I thought fuck that! I'm not going to class today. I had a fuckin' rough night and they can suck it!"

Douchewad #2: "Um, humh."

Douchewad#1: "Yeah, so I smoked a blunt and I went back to bed!"

Douchewad#2: "Yup."

That's pretty much all I got because the light changed and we all know that Pt Cruisers are super fast! And I thought I wasn't going to hear anything good today...well pickle my giblets and call me Nancy!

So I have packed the Dove full of rotting Thanksgiving leftovers (Yes we have Thanksgiving in October so cram it!) and sent it on a quest for a maroon PT Cruiser containing 2 lads wearing baseball hats backwards, spewing bullshit and smokin' blunt! After the Dove gets its share an unholy torrent of deuce will be unleashed on these posers! We'll see who skips class tomorrow! Whuh!

B-spot out!

For the love of lite syrup

Once again the people of Peterborough can rest easy knowing that justice has been served.

Early Thursday morning a local man wandered into a convenience store and nabbed a fruit cup. Without paying he macked that mf'er down and left the store without so much as a "bill me" or a, "this fruit cups on the man".

The clerk called police who later tracked this syrup junkie down. It sounds like they gave him the option of coughing up the $1.59 for the snack, you would think case closed.
Well apparently crime doesn't pay and neither does this guy.
All hepped up on lite syrup from his fruity snack he become belligerent and got all up in the officers grillz. His seemingly minor "snack attack" landed him with charges of resisting arrest.

Sadly this douche took valuable police presence away from the downtown after last call. No doubt a variety of ass hammers got away with jaywalking and punching road signs.

The moral of this story...never get between a man and his fruit cup.
It's a fact!
b-spot on the syrupy side

Hyberbole below the belt

From the title of this post you're probably assuming that Jolene (my gentleman friend) has been exaggerating about his manhood again...no it has to do with the following headline from the Peterborough Examiner:

Cash stolen while man in washroom.

If Jolene were to exaggerate it would most likely fall under this headline from last week:

Five-foot python found downtown.

Anyway back to 'bid-ness'. I was drawn to the first headline by the sheer audacity of any criminal who would rob a man when his pants were down. “By audacity, I mean huuuuuuuubris overweeeening pride.” - Principal Blackman .
Is there a time when we are more vulnerable to attack then when we're on the crapper donating to the waste stream? I don't think so my friends. To further add insult to injury the man who was robbed was disabled. What kind of "no class Bobby Bass" would rob a disabled person while they were popping a deuce?
This incident took place at the public washroom in Peterborough Square (a.k.a. Peterborough Scare) our original indoor mall in the downtown core. A cesspool for the knucklehead set in the Patch.

The first line of this news article reads as follows "A 59-year-old man with a disability had his fanny pack ransacked in a washroom at Peterborough Square."
I want you to take special note of the word "ransacked." I don't know about you guys but when I think of something being ransacked it's usually bigger than a "fanny pack", like a freakin' duffel bag or an...apartment! Sure he "pillaged" the fanny pack but can't we find a more appropriate descriptors for this particular event? How about "he thumbed through" or "savagely eyeballed the contents of" for a start.
I truly feel bad for the gentleman who was robbed after he "placed his pouch on the floor." (That had to hurt)
But a fanny pack? Are you kidding me? If there's one thing I can't stand the sight of it's a fanny pack. On a man or woman it's just plain wrong. I know "live and let live" but somethings are just not palatable...don't get me started, don't even get me started!
Too late...
I hate fanny packs!
Yeah dudes! I'm not looking at your bulge when we pass on the street...it's the wad above your rod that makes me stare in disbelief.
Yeah I know, all you lovers of the crotch pouch are saying how you love to be hands free. No straps or back pocket bulges to hinder you as you cruise the strip in your acid wash jeans...well I've got news it ain't a good look for anyone. Also the word "fanny" means something very different in Europe...It's slang for a part of the female anatomy.

Maybe I'll do a woman on the street expose...Men who wear fanny packs and the women who put up with it! WHUH!
Sorry haters...I'm just really angry!
So be on the look out for the following pouch ravaging maniac. He "is described as white (can't a brother get a break?), 18 to 30 years old with black hair, clean-shaven standing about 5’ 8” with a thin build wearing brown pants and a white shirt." Note he was not wearing a fanny pack.

So the major Dove dump here is for the douche who robbed the disabled man with the fanny pack...but I can't help it if a little deuce juice trickles onto fanny pack wearers everywhere...the dove does not discriminate!

So if you've learned anything today; let it be that you should never put your pouch on the floor of a public washroom! Besides being uncomfortable it's unsanitary and just plain wrong.

B-low up the creek without a pouch