IDOBEATOFF

Well folks it's another hot and windy day in the Kawartha's. Birds are chirping, dogs are barking and dirty sweaty old men are pulling their goalies alongside my beloved canal!
Yes folks, it's true, the beauty and wonderment of nature has been tainted for me once again.
My old man, Jolene, and I went out for a mountain bike ride this morning. We made our way towards a path that runs alongside the Trent canal. We cruised by the Lift locks and around Armour Hill (Armour Hill is Peterborough's make out spot) and up towards Trent university along the water. The trails are not groomed, and in some spots are better suited to hiking than riding but we soldiered on in the heat of the morning.
In the spring a foot bridge was built for walkers and cyclists to help provide safe passage from one part of the Rotary trail to a spot further along river road. This new bridge passes right over part of the Trent Canal. At about 10:20 am, Jolene and I stopped to plan our route back on the new bridge. We were the only cyclists/walkers around at the time. We were planning on taking the trail that travels alongside the canal for a challenge, rather than simply taking the paved trail home. We noticed that there was a man standing with his back to us on the trail we wished to take. We figured he was taking a leak. Though not thrilled about having my tires make contact with his urine pool, we waited for him to move on so we could head down to the trail.
He didn't move on. He appeared to be wiping himself with something in his left hand - pretty dainty for a dude whose unleashing it in public, or so I thought. I then noticed he was hiking up his shorts and starting to power up his right arm. HEY ZEUS! This douchetard was gratifying himself in public! Now the fact that he had his back to the path and he was "attempting" to be discreet, proves he knew this was not the thing to be doing. There were bushes around, trees, you're own freakin' home? Why not take it inside you dirty sweaty pig?
I get that people have fetishes and I'm cool with that - but there is a time and a place for everything - you dirty stinking pig!
As I pedalled away disgusted and in shock I yelled at hammer man "That spot is not as private as you think - Pig!"
Now I realize I probably fulfilled one of his dirty stinking fantasies by letting him know his public was watching.
I regret not having my cell phone with me. Not that it would have done much good. By the time I reported him I'm sure he would have shook of his tally whacker and headed back to his bachelor pad in hell for some pizza pockets and root beer.
How would I have described him to the cops? He was fairly nondescript...he looked like someones dad, grandfather, brother, husband...not your garden variety dirty sweaty pig.
So you filthy stinking pig I am going to release a mammoth Dove of Hate on you. I hope it drowns you with it's steaming deuce of justice. Sleep lightly pig boy...your whacking days are numbered...