Fast Forward!

I've figured it out kids, the reason for all of my problems. When I receive a "time-sensitive chain email" to forward to other people in my address book - I delete it. What I should be doing is sending it on to as many people as I can! Internet courtesy be damned! I want to be showered with good fortune and prosperity, like all these forwards promise. I'm the one who has been wrong all along! Foolish me! If only I had forwarded all of those emails to my friends think of all the greatness I would be wallowing in.
The most recent one simply said "Mental Feng Shui Lotus Touts". The Email - sent on my work account- was partially blocked but I looked it up on the "intraweb" to see what it was all about.
I was encouraged to send this to at least 6 people in 6 minutes. The numbered comments are those attached to this email mine are below in red...

Mental Feng Shui Lotus Touts:


ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
(work you ass off and, bend over and take it with a smile)
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
(remember paper bags aren't just for groceries-think of the unknown comic)
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
(your not the boss of me)
FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
("freaky deakys need love too")
FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
(and cross your fingers behind your back)
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
(it takes time for a good Private Investigator to dig up dirt)
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
(believe in love at last call - keep your beer goggles close and beware of 12:30 princesses/princes)
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
(lets face it some dreams are funny know your audience, laugh when appropriate)
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
(If you're getting hurt you need to decide on a "safe" word and use it early and often)
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly.. No name calling.
(Make sure you name your fists - call them "the justice twins" or the "mighty twosome")
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
(but do judge them..)
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
(O................................................................................................................................kay)
THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
(then proceed to soil yourself - that'll make them forget the question)
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
(stuff some money in a mattress and don't ride bareback!)
FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
(I prefer to look at them like they are spreading disease and walk away disgusted)
SIXTEEN.. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
(do blame everyone else)
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
(Remember the 3 F's Felch, Farmhand and Finger puppets)
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
(make sure it's a real drop down drag out!)
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
(...fake a seizure...wet your pants to make it believable)
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
(they can't see you rubbing the receiver on your bum so go to town - then you'll have a reason to smile.)
TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.
(that shouldn't be a problem if you follow the steps below!)

Now, here's the FUN part!
(What that wasn't the fun part?)

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.

-are we talking regularity and fewer cold sores improve or something more substantial like the mongos at Tim Horton's always get my order right?

1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.

-so regularity but cold sores still?

5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.

okay so regularity, no cold sores and no bunions?

9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks

Are these good surprises like fame, happiness and wealth or bad surprises like gum disease, incontinence and Hermaphrodism?

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.
(ofcourse you won't have anyone to share your new found glory with because you will have alienated them with all of your insane time sensitive forwarded messages!
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. (don't be touching my heart unless your a heart surgeon and I'm in for a procedure)

So here's a big juicy dove of hate for the concept that not forwarding a message within a 6 minute time frame could impact my life negatively. There's enough bullshit out there for us to slog through on a day to day basis without the threat that I may be going down the trail of doom due to my lack of faith in this kind of "voodoo email message."
If you're my friend send me an actual email or pick up the phone and call.
You're on the clock haters so start working those digits!
B-spot on the crusty northern tundra