Hyberbole below the belt

From the title of this post you're probably assuming that Jolene (my gentleman friend) has been exaggerating about his manhood again...no it has to do with the following headline from the Peterborough Examiner:

Cash stolen while man in washroom.

If Jolene were to exaggerate it would most likely fall under this headline from last week:

Five-foot python found downtown.

Anyway back to 'bid-ness'. I was drawn to the first headline by the sheer audacity of any criminal who would rob a man when his pants were down. “By audacity, I mean huuuuuuuubris overweeeening pride.” - Principal Blackman .
Is there a time when we are more vulnerable to attack then when we're on the crapper donating to the waste stream? I don't think so my friends. To further add insult to injury the man who was robbed was disabled. What kind of "no class Bobby Bass" would rob a disabled person while they were popping a deuce?
This incident took place at the public washroom in Peterborough Square (a.k.a. Peterborough Scare) our original indoor mall in the downtown core. A cesspool for the knucklehead set in the Patch.

The first line of this news article reads as follows "A 59-year-old man with a disability had his fanny pack ransacked in a washroom at Peterborough Square."
I want you to take special note of the word "ransacked." I don't know about you guys but when I think of something being ransacked it's usually bigger than a "fanny pack", like a freakin' duffel bag or an...apartment! Sure he "pillaged" the fanny pack but can't we find a more appropriate descriptors for this particular event? How about "he thumbed through" or "savagely eyeballed the contents of" for a start.
I truly feel bad for the gentleman who was robbed after he "placed his pouch on the floor." (That had to hurt)
But a fanny pack? Are you kidding me? If there's one thing I can't stand the sight of it's a fanny pack. On a man or woman it's just plain wrong. I know "live and let live" but somethings are just not palatable...don't get me started, don't even get me started!
Too late...
I hate fanny packs!
Yeah dudes! I'm not looking at your bulge when we pass on the street...it's the wad above your rod that makes me stare in disbelief.
Yeah I know, all you lovers of the crotch pouch are saying how you love to be hands free. No straps or back pocket bulges to hinder you as you cruise the strip in your acid wash jeans...well I've got news it ain't a good look for anyone. Also the word "fanny" means something very different in Europe...It's slang for a part of the female anatomy.

Maybe I'll do a woman on the street expose...Men who wear fanny packs and the women who put up with it! WHUH!
Sorry haters...I'm just really angry!
So be on the look out for the following pouch ravaging maniac. He "is described as white (can't a brother get a break?), 18 to 30 years old with black hair, clean-shaven standing about 5’ 8” with a thin build wearing brown pants and a white shirt." Note he was not wearing a fanny pack.

So the major Dove dump here is for the douche who robbed the disabled man with the fanny pack...but I can't help it if a little deuce juice trickles onto fanny pack wearers everywhere...the dove does not discriminate!

So if you've learned anything today; let it be that you should never put your pouch on the floor of a public washroom! Besides being uncomfortable it's unsanitary and just plain wrong.

B-low up the creek without a pouch