Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Springin' in da Hood!

Ah yes, spring is in the air!
Can you smell it?
The delicious tang of rotting milk assaulting your senses as you casually stroll on Bethune street behind the Baskin Robbins ice cream plant. As the temperature rises, garbage stains begin to emit their foul reek for all to enjoy. Nothing like the Spring thaw to show that the whole freakin' town is in desperate need of a bath.

In Canada, we sand and salt our roads to make winter driving less treacherous and come spring time we have about two inches of mung lining our roadways. It carries over on to the lawns and boulevards. The street sweepers have been out kicking up dust clouds and it looks like it's going to rain soon; mud pies for everyone!

Snow covers the filth and provides countless winter activities. Winter snow, and the cold that often comes with it, serves another important purpose. It sends the local thieving dirts into hibernation.

I knew it was Spring long before I even looked outside the other day. I just had to read our local newspaper to see those familiar tell tale signs. Headlines like; "Goods stolen from home", "Cash stolen" and the ever popular "Thefts from vehicles" are starting to appear. A sure sign that the local criminal set is starting to flex their atrophied limbs before embarking on the really big heavy thefts of TV's, stereo equipment etc. They're wise, they don't want to strain themselves after a long winters siesta so they start small. News of the theft of change from cars, ipods, cellphones, small things that won't cause any kind of muscle strain is slowly trickling into the "In Brief" section in the local rag.

I see them, emerging ever so slightly from their parkas; casually exposing their gaunt frames and pale flesh to the sun. Casing the neighbourhoods, checking to see who has replenished after they were robbed last year. They're on scouting missions for their next victims, now that the fair weather is here.

As I jogged through the gritty streets this morning I saw another tell tale sign that Spring has sprung. Vagrants were drinking their pre-lunch brewski's on the railroad bridge behind no-frills; King cans for as far as the eye could see. As I cut through the parking lot at Del Crary park I crossed paths with a gentleman who was coming home with his groceries, 12 cans of wildcat beer and a stick of pepperoni. I was reminded of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys and I wondered if he had any galapeno chips at home to complete his meal?

B-spot runnin' through the grime on the Northern grind!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Awaken the Dove

After a long winters nap the Dove of Hate is eating berries and drinking malt liquor readying to drop a steaming deuce of justice on Fox's Red Eye crew!

I tried desperately to stay out of the Fox News Red Eye debacle, but I can't take it anymore.
The host, whose name escapes me, made some exceptionally nasty remarks regarding the Canadian army taking a break after they leave Afghanistan in 2011. This dummy and his cast of morons proceeded to mock the Canadian army, our weather and police force for about 4 minutes. I realize that they were probably tired since it was 3am (how else would these niblets get on tv) but their comments were ill timed as 4 more Canadian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan, bringing the total so far to 116. I'd get into how the first Canadians were killed during this effort; but I don't like to point the finger.
Personally I'm not a big advocate for the military or combat. I do have a great deal of respect for those who fight and sympathy for those who have died and the families they have left behind.

One of the penile implants on this show actually said he didn't know that Canada was in the war.
Another went on to say that we don't even have a police force. We just had the Mounties with their bright red jackets. Actually we have federal, provincial (like ur states)and municipal police (that'd be ur cities and towns). The RCMP fulfill rolls at all levels of policing in Canada. The red uniform is the dress uniform of the RCMP, they're day to day uniforms are more like those of your average police department. Oh, and they drive cars too.

The kind of ignorance these mouth dribblers possess makes me sad. It's different if it's a group of children who don't have the tools to educate themselves. These people are adults and are capable of filling in the blanks in their mind grapes by reading a book or hitting the Internet for information.

Anyway, the actions and words of these mongo's have sparked a great deal of controversy in Canada. Most of the comments I've read are fairly passive aggressive, yet some are pretty nasty and violent. A lot of the comments on news sites refer to the Americans as being a stupid people. I don't subscribe to generalizations, I have friends and relatives in the U.S. and they are not dummy's. Unless of course I call them dummy's as a term of endearment, and you know who I'm talkin' bout dummies.
I recently got back from Trenton, New Jersey where I partook in the viewing and debauchery of the St. Patty's day parade. While in the alley next to the local Irish pub, the Tir na nOg ,I met a young American with a backpack full of Budweiser. He told me he'd been to Canada twice and he couldn't get over how clean it was! He claimed to be a bit of a history buff. This "Apple Faced Goon" got on some tangent about how Canada never was involved in any wars. He told me Canada had been neutral in both World Wars. I told him he was incorrect. He swore up and down that I was misinformed. I felt the impulse to punch him in the throat growing ever stronger. Violence not being the Canadian way, I chose to walk away. Sadly he proved to be very dumb. I can only hope that, after nearly feeling the sting of my death grip, he took the time to educate himself as to the truth about Canada's involvement in WWI and WWII, but then again he may not believe it.

Anyway As a Canadian, people often say we have no culture and that our history is boring.
Maybe we don't run into every battle guns blazing but that, to me, is part of our culture, we're renowned for our peacekeeping efforts throughout the world and our ability to take the abuse and ridicule that often comes our way. If that's boring and lacking in culture...than sign me up!

So educate yourselves dummies or I'll get all Laura Secord up in ur wheelhouse!
B-spot all up in dem gutts!