Fast Forward!

I've figured it out kids, the reason for all of my problems. When I receive a "time-sensitive chain email" to forward to other people in my address book - I delete it. What I should be doing is sending it on to as many people as I can! Internet courtesy be damned! I want to be showered with good fortune and prosperity, like all these forwards promise. I'm the one who has been wrong all along! Foolish me! If only I had forwarded all of those emails to my friends think of all the greatness I would be wallowing in.
The most recent one simply said "Mental Feng Shui Lotus Touts". The Email - sent on my work account- was partially blocked but I looked it up on the "intraweb" to see what it was all about.
I was encouraged to send this to at least 6 people in 6 minutes. The numbered comments are those attached to this email mine are below in red...

Mental Feng Shui Lotus Touts:


ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
(work you ass off and, bend over and take it with a smile)
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
(remember paper bags aren't just for groceries-think of the unknown comic)
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
(your not the boss of me)
FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
("freaky deakys need love too")
FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
(and cross your fingers behind your back)
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
(it takes time for a good Private Investigator to dig up dirt)
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
(believe in love at last call - keep your beer goggles close and beware of 12:30 princesses/princes)
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
(lets face it some dreams are funny know your audience, laugh when appropriate)
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
(If you're getting hurt you need to decide on a "safe" word and use it early and often)
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly.. No name calling.
(Make sure you name your fists - call them "the justice twins" or the "mighty twosome")
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
(but do judge them..)
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
(O................................................................................................................................kay)
THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
(then proceed to soil yourself - that'll make them forget the question)
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
(stuff some money in a mattress and don't ride bareback!)
FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
(I prefer to look at them like they are spreading disease and walk away disgusted)
SIXTEEN.. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
(do blame everyone else)
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
(Remember the 3 F's Felch, Farmhand and Finger puppets)
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
(make sure it's a real drop down drag out!)
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
(...fake a seizure...wet your pants to make it believable)
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
(they can't see you rubbing the receiver on your bum so go to town - then you'll have a reason to smile.)
TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.
(that shouldn't be a problem if you follow the steps below!)

Now, here's the FUN part!
(What that wasn't the fun part?)

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.

-are we talking regularity and fewer cold sores improve or something more substantial like the mongos at Tim Horton's always get my order right?

1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.

-so regularity but cold sores still?

5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.

okay so regularity, no cold sores and no bunions?

9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks

Are these good surprises like fame, happiness and wealth or bad surprises like gum disease, incontinence and Hermaphrodism?

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.
(ofcourse you won't have anyone to share your new found glory with because you will have alienated them with all of your insane time sensitive forwarded messages!
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. (don't be touching my heart unless your a heart surgeon and I'm in for a procedure)

So here's a big juicy dove of hate for the concept that not forwarding a message within a 6 minute time frame could impact my life negatively. There's enough bullshit out there for us to slog through on a day to day basis without the threat that I may be going down the trail of doom due to my lack of faith in this kind of "voodoo email message."
If you're my friend send me an actual email or pick up the phone and call.
You're on the clock haters so start working those digits!
B-spot on the crusty northern tundra

Signs Of Peterborough Volume III

Well I wouldn't have thought it freakin' possible if I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes. The Colonel is trying to pull another serious rip job on the people of Peterborough. Jolene and I were cruising by the combo KFC and Taco Bell the other night when we were visually assaulted by this unbelievable price gauge by that uppity, gabardine wearing, soul patch sportin' chicken hawkin' bastard! Yeah you heard me! That crazy white haired goon is trying to charge the masses $125 for an extra piece of his greasy, 11 spiced chicken to wash down their gullets! The proof is in the signage amigos! The sign mavens at "Kentucky Fried Tacos" didn't even have a 5 to throw up on the board so they tossed an upside down deuce up for public viewing, makes me wonder, are they using the same guy who does the signs at the Trentwinds? What the deuce?
Speaking of the Trentwinds it seems to be all about sign placement. It's hard to see but in the background that's the half-lit sign for Thursdays (the peeler palace). What exactly are these wamblers advertising?
To the untrained eye it looks like a sign enticing you in to slurp back some hot soup on a cold winters day. What they're really advertising is a steaming cauldron of sin. It says "Come on in and dip your bones (if they could get away wit it they would have written boners) in the scorching loins of debauchery boys." Yeah, we know where that arrow is pointing - straight to the lust pot at the rear. Beware of "oral germ whores." When you're done getting infected sinners you can just take a quick jaunt down the street to get a hot cup 'o joe at the new and improved Tim Hor...where the term "donut hole" takes on a whole new meaning. Fritters and fluffers 24/7. So put that in your fudgepack!
B-spot on the crueller side of life!
WHUH!

It's not contagious...

I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce everyone to a close friend of mine. We've been together my whole life and unless things start to get a little ragged around the edges we're going be together forever. When I was a little girl I was often embarrassed by our close relationship and would go to great lengths to hide it from others. As I have matured slightly over the years, I have come to a deep and personal understanding of our ties to one another and I want everyone to be able to accept it with open arms.
This my friends is my mole. Also referred to as a birthmark or beauty mark.
When I was a child I was ashamed of my big brown birthmark. It is on the outside of my right thigh half way between my hip and my knee. Wearing shorts or skirts of average length as a child would always expose it to the outside world, where it would be judged and mocked by others.
I haven't really thought too much about my mole and how it appears to "outsiders" until this week. With the new year there has been an influx of new meat at the YMCA. I couldn't help but notice that numerous young women kept doing a double take at my leg-ular region. I thought maybe they wanted to know some of my fitness secrets or even worse - was there a foreign body hanging out of my shorts or stuck to my person?
I'm no supermodel but my legs are alright, if fuzzy and stumpy is your thing, but all this attention was starting to make me a little self-conscious about all the attention my gams were getting. Oddly enough it took me awhile to realize what had caught their attention. It was my furry brown mole. I guess some people can't handle such a brazen display of epidermal fortitude because it had truly gobsmacked these delicate flowers.
If I may paraphrase a line from Mary Catherine Gallagher in the movie Superstar - I am fully aware that "...my birthmark looks like shit." Don't worry haters you can't catch what I've got...you've gotta be one of the chosen ones. So I'm gonna release the dove of hate on people who don't know enough not to stare at what they feel are physical oddities or deformities...you will soon feel the oppressive stench of dove deuce trickling down your simpleton faces leaving a rash for all the world to see. You will run through the streets branded by the dove screaming..."I am not an animal!"
So the next time you see my wicked ass birthmark say "Hi!" to my little friend, feel the awe its presence inspires, buy it candy and flowers (it likes daisies) caress it, be at one with it! (Ask before caressing)
"Put that in your back pack."
B-spot on the epidermal front!

Happy Hood Year (Part the Deuce)

Hey brolleys, I'm fresh from my nap ready to tap that New Year's story anew. New Year's day saw us waking up late to inspect the damage from the night before. Shell casings littered the sidewalk and Southern comfort bottles were smashed up and down the street indicating that Jolene had snuck out after curfew to get his freak on! Corn liquor and shotguns are his "Achilles Heels".
The day brought a festival of eating delicious chicken fingers and watching the outdoor hockey game. We brought slothdom to a whole new level and I love it!
On Wednesday we started our adventures in shopping. I won't bore you with all the gory details I'll just throw out some of the highlights...
After a yummy lunch at Pete's, we thrifted our way through red white and blue, village thrift and goodwill. We did not hit these stores in succession but interspersed them throughout the day. I scored a couple of awesome board games for a couple of bucks a piece and some kick ass pineapple bookends. Y'all know the pineapple is the international symbol of welcome - so these bookends say, "you are welcome to look at my books, but don't touchee!"
Though I love second hand stores in the States I've also formed a deep love affair with the department store chain Kohl's. They have awesome sales year round. Items are usually discounted 60 to 99% off. Okay, maybe 99% is a slight exaggeration but you git ma point boyz! They are also purveyors of Happy Bunny merchandise, that angry bunny that says "let's focus on me!" etc. I also scored a new jog bra...I like to keep the ladies strapped in for the ride! No black eyes in 2008! Kohl's also had some great household items on sale after Christmas, including decorations and candles etc. I love buying Christmas decorations, particularly when they've hit the 80% off range. I really needed a few days to molest Kohl's bargain racks, but you've got to stop yourself for sustenance and hydration. The key is to know your limits. Besides, Jolene and I hit the Kohl's in Watertown on the way home where we got some more Christmas stuff and the Target where we found even more Happy Bunny merchandise, wicked awesome! We finished our shopping extravaganza Wednesday at Trader Joe's. Trader Joe's is an awesome grocery store with some unique food and household products. I stocked up on some appetizers and picked up a few new dips and spreads to try. Thank the sweet baby Jesus for my travel cooler so I can keep things chillin' on the road. Alright the sweet baby Jesus did not buy my cooler it was my parents at an evil timed special sale at Canadian Tire a few years ago just before Christmas - it was a mad house but it was worth the effort!
Back to the tales....
After we packed the wagon up to the eyeballs with our booty we headed to our favourite Chinese restaurant. Chrispy knows which one. The food is reasonable and everything is mighty tasty. We gorged, hungry from the days escapades and still had leftovers! No visit to the Chinese restaurant would be complete without tapping the dollar store next door. That's where I found my new fav toque. It says "No Stress" and I plan on living the words for 2008! We ended up closing that place down! We headed home full of food, the car weighted down with goods and the knowledge that two bathrooms were waiting for us should we have any gastrointestinal issues. It was wickedly cold in the hood. I wasn't mentally ready for that, I'm use to the frozen tundra but there was a bitter cold wind blowing through the streets that chilled me to the bone. I couldn't wait to curl up on the couch with a cat of my choosing and settle in for a night of TV viewing.
On Thursday Glenda had to return to work for a day so the Chrisp and I went to the Jackson Outlets to hit a couple of stores. I was in dire need of some underoos so we tapped the Jockey outlet for some butt covers. We also found Abominable snow monster bracelets at Claires...watch my wrist for that one next Christmas. It was great to have some one on one with the Chrisp. Having boys around can be so limiting when you just want to be chics. They're so sensitive and demanding....geesh! Sadly our "alone time" had to end and we headed home to make sure that Jolene was fed and watered.
Thursday evening we headed out to see Chrisps sister Jenny and her family so that we could check out Sam's Club, the box store associated with Wal-Mart. Along the way we had to get some grub so we could maintain our stamina, we stopped at that mecca of grease and goodness White Castle. We macked down on sliders and fries, washing it all down with a regular sized pop. They call them sliders because there is no chewing involved...they just slide down your throat...mmm slippery, like an eel on a bun! We arrived at Jenny's after our feast and piled into the family truckster. Jenny has 5 kids so a compact car is out of the question. We were riding in style, the airport extend-a-van whisked us to Sam's Club which is a Costco style operation...this particular one actually sold BOOZE! Yippee! I love's me some booze! Jolene and I picked up some beer to take back and a couple of bottles of wine. I also scored some long underwear for running on those crisp winter days. On the way to Sam's Club we had our own seats in the van on the way home we had to share because the seats were filled with goods - bummer - but we got through it! We headed back to the family ranch to spend a few moments with the kidlets before heading back to the warm embrace of the hood for another TV viewing fiesta. We'd been burning our way throw Season One of 30 Rock. If you haven's seen it and you have a sense of humour and a brain check it out homeschool! It's tres bon!
I spent some time rappin' with Chrispy's 6 year old nephew Aaron about the virtues of photography and Napoleon Dynamite. We took a picture of each other taking a picture of each other. You can read more about Aaron's photographic exploits at Trenonkat.
We said our good-byes and climbed into the wagon with its cold leather seats to journey back to spend our last night (this go round) in the hood.
Glenda would be leaving us early in the morning to engage in a full on man weekend in upper New York State so we said our tearful good-byes, sent him to bed and continued our 30 Rock Marathon.
No trip to the hood would be complete without consuming some awesome pizza at DiLorenzo's. Which is just a short jaunt from chez Chrisp & Glenda. We were going to meet Mr. Clean of Bald, Fat & Angry blog fame.
I was no longer chattering from the wind that had been burrowing into my soul. The Americans were still moanin' about the weather but as far as I was concerned it was tropical.
Anywhore...we started our stroll to the pizzeria, the air was fresh and delightful, the sun was shining and there would be pizza. What more could you want? Well totally unexpected I came upon some street art in front of one of the neighbourhood houses. Where there was once fresh, wet cement there was now some very profound words to live by.
Now I've heard of "bro's before ho's" and "don't hate the playa, hate the game" but this tidbit of wisdom was new to me.
"Money over Bitches." I had to risk gettin' a cap in the ass to squeeze off a few shots of this rare hood gem. I was pretty impressed. Everything was spelled correctly and the block printing was pretty decent for this particular medium. Kudos to the author, you're defacing public property but you still have the patience and steady hand to scribe this missive. You have inspired me to adopt a new philosophy for the new year "In 2008 bitches can wait!" The almighty dollar will be my dirty little mistress for the next twelve months. Thank you for setting me free! With my belly full of pizza and the hood soon to be a memory I was reminded to pray for Fishsticks freedom! I say write to your senator not in the pavement if you want your voice to be heard! And don't forget the tartar sauce...WHUH!

Happy Hood Year (Part the First)

Well Haters I'm fresh from my trip to the hood and ready to share my tales of the Hood New Year. We started our journey Sunday the 30th of December. Jolene and I left the Patch in the late afternoon to head for the border. We were well stocked with Canadian goodies for Chrispy and Glenard and a few bottles of hooch to help ring in the new year. We were psyched! There would be food, thrifting, and the opportunity to punish my bro's new plumbing (which you can read more about at Trentonkat's Pre-Christmas Mishmash post). We drove until about 9pm and spent the night at the Best Western in Tully. We continued on our trip the following morning arriving in the hood at around 4pm. I had brought various hors d'oeuvres in my cooler from Canada and it was going to be a finger food feast!
After we arrived we sat in the "friendship room" sipping beverages and catching up on the post Christmas fallout. Our family participates in a gift exchange, what usually happens is that we put all the adults names in a "basket" or reasonable facsimile - then the names are drawn and matched to a list of every ones names and we are to buy gifts for that person only. We're not Cretans though we always pick up something for our parents and the nieces and nephews. This is not a unique concept but it has had its ups and downs over the years. We all dread certain people getting our names, but in the spirit of Christmas and with a mere $30.00 limit we can all survive. I however had to inform the deuces that according to a decree on our kitchen chalkboard, written by my mother, that there would be "NO MORE GIFT EXCHANGE" (pictured below).
I don't know if this is considered legal and binding but I think I'll wait until next fall for the annual name draw to get the skinny on the poop - I've learned to "not poke the bear".
Though Glenda and Chrispy were devastated by the news we managed to find our joy once again and continue on with our musings.
We retired to Monkeys room and watched some television on DVR. Having only 3 channels coming in with my rabbit ears I am thoroughly jealous of my bro's TV technology. Sure we have a satellite hook up downstairs but it's perma-locked on CNN where my ma is busy solving crimes. The idea of taping television, pausing television and then...for the love of God watching it whenever you want makes me all tingly inside.
Chrispy heated up all the delicious foodstuffs from the President's Choice line. Fig & Goat Cheese in Phyllos pastry, various cheese assortment and some meatballs. I sipped a delicious Cabernet from California - Liberty School - a personal favourite and Jolene macked down on some Yuengling Lager (that's some kick ass 'Merican Brewski's).
We were all pretty tired from the holidays so it was a bit of a struggle to keep it pumpin' till midnight - but like people everywhere we had to see if some how at midnight, if we were awake to experience the change over, we would be magically transformed. We watched the ball drop in Times Square - asking each other - "Who are those random pre-pubescent celebrities hosting rockin' new years eve?"
We were all delighted to see that Dick Clark had been reanimated for the occasion. I can only think that poor Walt Disney must have been lonely back in the cryogenic vault.
As the ball descended to ring in 2008 we turned off the sound on the TV and opened up a window. Throughout Trenton, New Jersey revelers were setting off fireworks and unloading bullets into the sky. (Okay, it could have just been caps I have no audiological proof that there were actual bullets - I'm just going for street cred deuces).
As we drifted into sweet slumber people banged garbage pail lids together and hooted into the wee hours of the morn...tomorrow would be another day in the hood.
I'm gonna go work on my Eva Braun Shadow box...stay tuned for more "Tales from the Hood".
b-spot on the "moist as a snack cake" northern front!