Sunday, June 29, 2008

Brown Disaster Aisle 5

Okay deuces...you'll be glad to know that I was not deterred by my last visit to No Frills...my local cut rate grocery store. During that visit I saw a dirt-wad of masterful proportions riding his freakin' bike through the produce section.
This morning I decided to venture to my favourite grocery store...they stock all the awesome President's Choice products, often at lower prices than their parent store Loblaws. It's a muggy Sunday morning...the store shouldn't be too busy, with people attending church and/or sleeping off Saturday nights sins.
I scored big this morning...the cart I got was broken so it was free - normally you have to pop a quarter into the cart to rent it for your shopping experience. This tactic is meant to deter people from stealing the carts to take their groceries home in...I gotta be honest, 25 cents does not appear to be a high enough price to keep the carts on the lot. What would Bubbles do?
Anyway, I began my sojourn through the produce aisle and proceeded with ease to work my way through the store. I spotted a till that was ready for me to make my purchases and headed that way. Little did I know what awaited me there. I was behind an older couple and as I started to unload my groceries one of the girls from another checkout told me I must have shit on my shoe. Yeah I'm pretty sure she said shit...she didn't soften the blow with poop or dung. At first I thought I must have tracked it in from somewhere...until I looked around and saw several small piles around a pillar in the middle of the store...apparently the trail went all the way down the health and beauty aisle, ending at till 8 where I had the misfortune to step in it.
Yes folks...it was 100% adult human feces. Someone felt the urge to purge and couldn't stem the tidal flow of pooh until they got home.
The checkout girl called for someone to clean it...I gotta say no one jumped at the opportunity. I was there for about 10 minutes and they were still standing around debating when I left.
I gotta say I feel for the person who couldn't hold it...that's the shits literally and figuratively. What a terrible feeling...I am personally thankful for my excellent sphincter control and don't blame the person who let her rip. Shit happens.
What gets the Dove all worked up was the reaction of the one little scrag at the till. She couldn't shut her mouth about it. She felt the need to tell everyone who came through her till about it and by the looks on their faces they were all thinking twice about their purchases. She also thought it was hilarious that I had stepped in some of the run off and also informed her clients of this...until she realized I was still their...she then tried to act concerned about whether or not I'd been able to get my shoes cleaned off...just how was I to do that? I told her I'd have to take care of it later...dumb bitch.
Fortunately I had another pair of shoes in my car and I was able to segregate my shoes for the ride home...where I hosed them off with the garden hose.
So the Dove of Hate is brewing a bristly browner for the Express Checkout girl and the slow reaction of the cleaning crew, who were probably playing "rock, paper, scissors" to figure out who would clean up the dung trail.
B-spot on the fecal front!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Tour de Produce

Alright folks it's time to get the Dove of Hate primed to drop a bristly browner on a total wankfest I encountered at my local grocery store.
I like to go the local "No Frills" in downtown Peterborough. You can get the goods for lower prices, you just have to bring your own bags and bag your own groceries. I like to slum it with the locals and save on luncheon meat so I gets jiggy wit it.
So this lovely Monday evening there I was minding my own business, pushing a shopping cart around the produce department when low and behold this ass-hammer comes riding his bike over to the potato display. Are you F*%kin' serious dude? It's a freakin' store...I don't want your shit-caked shoes let alone your mung infested bike rolling around on the floors. I'm not a psycho...but what the deuce? I couldn't frickin' believe it! You know what bugged me more...people were getting out of this assholes way so he could get through. Had I been closer I would've clotheslined him with some Polish Coil!
So look out above pale rider 'cause there's a brown cloud heading your way.
PS - Get a lock for your Supercycle and park it in the rack! WHUH!
B-spot on the edge