Just the tip

Well deuces, the dove of hate has been laying low for a few days, refueling for a mile high pile. Before I release it's steaming contents on my unsuspecting victims I 'd like to give a shout out to all my peeps down in the T to the ON with the RENT in the middle. That's Trenton, New Jersey...not Trenton Ontario.
Trenton Ontario boasts the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Canada. If anyone knows Trenton NJ's number one claim to fame (outside of the Greenwood Raceway) let me know.

Tonight's blog is all about keepin' it real. I'd like to dedicate this entry to Sy, an entrepreneur, who's takin' it to the streets to make his town better one bicep curl at a time!
I had the distinct pleasure of cruising by Sy's gym on Olden Avenue in Trenton, NJ in August. I'm not ashamed to say I gazed longingly at the simplicity of his operation.

I belong to the local YMCA in Peterborough, Ontario. We use to be housed in a century old building in the heart of downtown but earlier this year we moved into a brand new facility off the main drag. Sure it's shiny and the equipment is new and state of the art...it's all good, but seeing Sy's gym this summer made my heart ache for the simpler times. The times when a good set of free weights and a pair of running shoes were the prescription for a satisfying workout. No programs and heart rate monitors, just an occasional reality check to be cashed when necessary.
So tonight I'm going to release the dove on some of the folks who have disrupted my own work out experience.
I'm not what you'd call a gym rat. I don't have the matching Nike bra-top to go with stretch capris and I don't apply lip gloss and eyeshadow before I hit the treadmill. When I workout I sweat and the armpits of my t-shirts can bear testimony to that. If you want to join a gym you can't get away from the gym rats. Male and female they are there, gnawing at the integrity of serious sweat monkeys everywhere.
This dove is going out to all the messed up wads who go to my gym. Yeah...you know who you are!
The first one is for this wanker who looks like a sawed off Stretch Armstrong doll. Yeah you heard me you brush-cutted little whiz pile. Number 1 - When you sign up for a machine, make sure you do it on the appropriate board. (I know the 'roids are frying your little pea brain, but it's the alphabet dude, pretty basic stuff). I am on treadmill A - therefore I sign up under treadmill A - Not B. Next up Fonzie...it ain't your office so don't be taking calls on your cellphone while you "walk" on the treadmill for an hour. I'd also like to make sure the Dove leaves some crusty leftovers on the guys who work in the Lifestyle Centre (The Lifestyle Centre is where they house the cardio and weight equipment) for letting this bristly little wanker get away with it...and you know you do. If that was me talking on my cellphone it'd be a major take down!
Next up I'm gonna drop it on the broads I had to listen to in the women's change room before I headed out on my run on Tuesday night. As I was pile driving my rolls into my shorts and sports bra they were blathering on about supplements. I had to tie my shoes extra slow to get the full gist of the situation. One of the personal trainers was telling a couple of the members about the supplements she takes. One burned carbs the other repelled fat absorptions blah, blah, blah! The one candyfloss headed broad was complaining about how tired she gets in the afternoons. Personal trainer broad encouraged her to take one particular supplement to get through it. She also said, "You may get shaky during your workout, but run through it."
WHAT THE F*@K? Who says that out loud with witnesses around?
I think when I get shaky it's my body telling me to....oh, I don't know....STOP, maybe EAT A SANDWICH?
Last of all...
I was at the gym the other day and I overheard this broad talking about her Q-tip addiction. I gotta say one of the greatest places to hear this kind of human tale is the change room. Usually the "recovering addict" or "sharer of woes" likes to talk at the top of their voice so they can drum up dialogue with others who are trapped half naked, or coiffing themselves after or before a workout. In other words - there ain't no way out! This chic was saying how she was totally jonesin' on the q-tips. She'd mack those cushy little mofo's into her ear 3 or 4 times a freakin' day. Ended up she damaged the "gland?" that produces the wax and can no longer excrete a dose of earwax to maintain proper ear health. She found this out after suffering from numerous ear infections and maladies of the ear for years. She talked about how hard it was to walk by the complimentary q-tips that the gym provides in the change room - like one might hear a conformed smoker or alcoholic relate the struggle to pass up a smoke or a jigger of their favourite hooch. It was frenetic, intense and somewhat ridiculous. I'm not dissing her for her particular addiction but you gotta think it goes deeper than the fuzzy little q-tip. You know she spends time alone in her room playing "just the tip".
I think this town is in dire need of a visit from Sy. He needs to spread his mantra and bitch slap the posers back to reality. I think it's time to look into sponsoring a "Keepin' it Real" Continental Tour.
Till next time...
B-spot signing out from the Northern Front
(Included is picture of Sy's road front gym courtesy of Chrissy & G-Spot)

Signs of Peterborough Part 2

Yeah, Peterborough's a tough town. Even the colonel takes a hard line when promoting new eats at the amalgamated taco bell, kluck 'n chuck on the corner of Monaghan Road and Landsdowne streets. Sure, he comes across all sweet and grandfatherly, but you know that Southern Mofo ain't above bustin' a cap in your ass if you don't try his chicken fries! Peterborough is too damn hard a town for the typical Crunchwrap from taco bell, they had to come up with a brand new taste treat to satisfy the toothless hoards that love to feel the trickle of a warm mexican fastfood dish slide down their nasty palates. The CRUNKH WRAP SUPREME is a local delicacy, it ain't crunchy it be crunkhy.
Now don't be gettin all up in my grill and saying "why you gotta be hatin' B-girl? They just ran out of C's to spell it like CRUNCH" I know you want me to step off and let it go...but haters - I be from the patch and I know it's a message. This town has a seedy underbelly and being CRUNKH is just the tip of the iceberg - BOYZ!
Today Jolene and I went for a mountain bike ride, we took the "creamy path". We ended up off "the beaten path" and Jolene took a header off his bike today and busted up his elbow. I guess the "creamy path" was just to fast and slick for us. Poor Jolene, he got a trip to the Emerg and an x-ray - nothing broken, no more creamy path for him - for awhile! I let him have some KFC to help wash down the hurt. I went into get his order, I was a little shaken by what I saw parked outside.



You don't see what I'm talking 'bout?









Talk a closer look homies!








Yeah that's right SCOOTERS! Not just one...a deuce!
That meant there were at least two of them and only one of me. Normally Jolene would have my back but with his busted wing and his pity party I knew he would be useless to me! I would have to depend on my own street skills if I was gonna make it out alive.
Well the bad guys must've been feeling generous today - 'cause I got outta there with my 3 piece snack pack and my life!

I was wheeling out of the parking lot when I got a load of this whacked out ride! I was so nervous when I saw the bullet riddled body of this Taurus that I was too shaky to get a full shot of the name in the back windshield "The Beast". This is one beast I wasn't gonna stick around to see!
Well bro's and ho's I'm glad I survived another day in the Patch to share my tales with y'all.
This is B-Spot signing off till next time!
Put it in your eye and stroke it!

The Signs of Peterborough Volume I

What can I say, I dig Peterborough. I've lived in bigger cities that claim to have more culture, but you need only take a leisurely cruise around town in your car, on your bike or using the ankle express to see the awesome culture we have to offer. Sure you can go to the festival of lights, or take in some entertainment at Showplace or Artspace, whatever floats your boat.
Personally, I like to get down and talk to the people outside the Sherbrooke Street liquor store and take candid shots (with my camera) of the underappreciated aspects of this great borough.
When you're entering Peterborough from points east such as, Norwood, Havelock, Ottawa etc. you will be welcomed by the customary signs that inhabit the outskirts of any great mecca. You will learn our population, where to find our main attractions like the Liftlocks, Trent University and even the Zoo. If you're paying attention you may even learn where some
Old Testament daughters have come to roost. To get the full story on Lot and his daughters check out the condensed version at Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lot_(Bible)
Truthfully, this sign adorns a local establishment called the Trentwinds Hotel and Conference Centre. The Trentwinds hosts Christmas parties, weddings, various conferences and several well attended craft shows. Oh and female strippers.
If memory serves...it was called the Miss Diana when I was in high school. Loverboy, Platinum Blonde and other fab Canadian bands adorned the stage in the 80's and 90's. Though the name has changed, and the venue has undergone some transformation...the one constant has been strippers. When it was the Miss Diana we called it the "Inner thighs". I'm not knocking this noble profession, do what you've got to do. Live and let live. But what happened to that magical connecting word....OF? I guess if you're really all about beer and biblical babes you get the message loud and clear. Be here at 11:30AM and run a tab.
I took this picture last week. I also have a picture of this very same sign taken with my old 35mm camera....um about 4 years ago. The only thing that has changed about this sign is that the broken shards of the Thursdays sign were cleared out...I'm assuming with a long stick?
I've also included a picture of the opposite side of the sign. Sadly this is the side of the sign you see when you are leaving Peterborough heading East. Without the fab yellow arrow directing passersby on the incoming side, many must sail on by, unsatisfied craving ice cold beer and a pre-historic skin show. The West side of the sign boasts a 5 for the second S in Thursdays and a rather ambiguous opening time :30AM. The beer is merely cold, not ice cold.
I know it's a pretty awesome sign.
So remember folks, the next time you're perusing the craft show or watching the happy couple enjoy their first dance together, out back, a mere puddle jump away "Lots Girls" are plying their craft.
Stay tuned for more signs of Peterborough.
B-spot out!

IDOBEATOFF

Well folks it's another hot and windy day in the Kawartha's. Birds are chirping, dogs are barking and dirty sweaty old men are pulling their goalies alongside my beloved canal!
Yes folks, it's true, the beauty and wonderment of nature has been tainted for me once again.
My old man, Jolene, and I went out for a mountain bike ride this morning. We made our way towards a path that runs alongside the Trent canal. We cruised by the Lift locks and around Armour Hill (Armour Hill is Peterborough's make out spot) and up towards Trent university along the water. The trails are not groomed, and in some spots are better suited to hiking than riding but we soldiered on in the heat of the morning.
In the spring a foot bridge was built for walkers and cyclists to help provide safe passage from one part of the Rotary trail to a spot further along river road. This new bridge passes right over part of the Trent Canal. At about 10:20 am, Jolene and I stopped to plan our route back on the new bridge. We were the only cyclists/walkers around at the time. We were planning on taking the trail that travels alongside the canal for a challenge, rather than simply taking the paved trail home. We noticed that there was a man standing with his back to us on the trail we wished to take. We figured he was taking a leak. Though not thrilled about having my tires make contact with his urine pool, we waited for him to move on so we could head down to the trail.
He didn't move on. He appeared to be wiping himself with something in his left hand - pretty dainty for a dude whose unleashing it in public, or so I thought. I then noticed he was hiking up his shorts and starting to power up his right arm. HEY ZEUS! This douchetard was gratifying himself in public! Now the fact that he had his back to the path and he was "attempting" to be discreet, proves he knew this was not the thing to be doing. There were bushes around, trees, you're own freakin' home? Why not take it inside you dirty sweaty pig?
I get that people have fetishes and I'm cool with that - but there is a time and a place for everything - you dirty stinking pig!
As I pedalled away disgusted and in shock I yelled at hammer man "That spot is not as private as you think - Pig!"
Now I realize I probably fulfilled one of his dirty stinking fantasies by letting him know his public was watching.
I regret not having my cell phone with me. Not that it would have done much good. By the time I reported him I'm sure he would have shook of his tally whacker and headed back to his bachelor pad in hell for some pizza pockets and root beer.
How would I have described him to the cops? He was fairly nondescript...he looked like someones dad, grandfather, brother, husband...not your garden variety dirty sweaty pig.
So you filthy stinking pig I am going to release a mammoth Dove of Hate on you. I hope it drowns you with it's steaming deuce of justice. Sleep lightly pig boy...your whacking days are numbered...

Mission Accomplished!

Well fellow haters the Liftlocks re-opened on Wednesday the 29th. There was still no public notfication and the only way to find out if the locks were functioning was to call the actual Liftlock, or pull up anchor and make a break for lock 19 one more time.
As an aside Lock 19 boasts the youngest lockmaster on the trent canal system - so I've heard - I don't know him personally but he did comment on Jolene's manly nipples on our first trip through the locks in May. We were all taken aback...because surely they are manly nipples but not many men feel secure enough to comment!
Anyway...the day was overcast and, as expected there was some backlog and the locks were running a little slower than usual. Guys with hard hats were still meandering around the Liftlock when we approached. Captain J was visibly agitated. We were behind schedule and his manly nipples were getting twisted! (Generally Jolene is pretty calm but I have witnessed some serious hating going on when he is faced with a line, such as in a bank or buffet restaurant).
As I relaxed and took in the view of our majestic claim to fame I couldn't help but notice that some local ass-hammers had defaced our beloved landmark. These hardcore jerkwabs would have had to propel themselves over the side of the lock to sprawl their incoherent message on the wall. I believe it says "Die Pigger Die". Which translated from the latin means "We're a bunch of buttholes who need a hobby"?
Oh my God! Haven't you guys heard of the water tower? There's actually stairs up to it and you might be able to scrawl something people can understand!
Okay, I'm not advocating public vandalism, but these knobs must've felt pretty manky when they came back in the light of day to view their artistic handywork! Fear of heights and fear of death do not make for good "spraycanmanship".
Here's an idea deucepiles! Start a blog. Get your message out in a healthy and legal manner! That's what I did...the body count has been reduced substantially! So I'm gonna release a mini-dove of hate on the misguided youth of today. They know not what they do, we've all been there so I don't want them saturated with dove deuce, I just want them to feel the warm trickle of the dove of hate on the shoulder of their anti-establishment t-shirts.

The final picture in my blog was taken on Clear lake as we powered into the second storm we encountered on our trip. Oddly I didn't see any other boats besides us underway.....hmmmm.
Brender Out
Later Haters!