Hyberbole below the belt

From the title of this post you're probably assuming that Jolene (my gentleman friend) has been exaggerating about his manhood again...no it has to do with the following headline from the Peterborough Examiner:

Cash stolen while man in washroom.

If Jolene were to exaggerate it would most likely fall under this headline from last week:

Five-foot python found downtown.

Anyway back to 'bid-ness'. I was drawn to the first headline by the sheer audacity of any criminal who would rob a man when his pants were down. “By audacity, I mean huuuuuuuubris overweeeening pride.” - Principal Blackman .
Is there a time when we are more vulnerable to attack then when we're on the crapper donating to the waste stream? I don't think so my friends. To further add insult to injury the man who was robbed was disabled. What kind of "no class Bobby Bass" would rob a disabled person while they were popping a deuce?
This incident took place at the public washroom in Peterborough Square (a.k.a. Peterborough Scare) our original indoor mall in the downtown core. A cesspool for the knucklehead set in the Patch.

The first line of this news article reads as follows "A 59-year-old man with a disability had his fanny pack ransacked in a washroom at Peterborough Square."
I want you to take special note of the word "ransacked." I don't know about you guys but when I think of something being ransacked it's usually bigger than a "fanny pack", like a freakin' duffel bag or an...apartment! Sure he "pillaged" the fanny pack but can't we find a more appropriate descriptors for this particular event? How about "he thumbed through" or "savagely eyeballed the contents of" for a start.
I truly feel bad for the gentleman who was robbed after he "placed his pouch on the floor." (That had to hurt)
But a fanny pack? Are you kidding me? If there's one thing I can't stand the sight of it's a fanny pack. On a man or woman it's just plain wrong. I know "live and let live" but somethings are just not palatable...don't get me started, don't even get me started!
Too late...
I hate fanny packs!
Yeah dudes! I'm not looking at your bulge when we pass on the street...it's the wad above your rod that makes me stare in disbelief.
Yeah I know, all you lovers of the crotch pouch are saying how you love to be hands free. No straps or back pocket bulges to hinder you as you cruise the strip in your acid wash jeans...well I've got news it ain't a good look for anyone. Also the word "fanny" means something very different in Europe...It's slang for a part of the female anatomy.

Maybe I'll do a woman on the street expose...Men who wear fanny packs and the women who put up with it! WHUH!
Sorry haters...I'm just really angry!
So be on the look out for the following pouch ravaging maniac. He "is described as white (can't a brother get a break?), 18 to 30 years old with black hair, clean-shaven standing about 5’ 8” with a thin build wearing brown pants and a white shirt." Note he was not wearing a fanny pack.

So the major Dove dump here is for the douche who robbed the disabled man with the fanny pack...but I can't help it if a little deuce juice trickles onto fanny pack wearers everywhere...the dove does not discriminate!

So if you've learned anything today; let it be that you should never put your pouch on the floor of a public washroom! Besides being uncomfortable it's unsanitary and just plain wrong.

B-low up the creek without a pouch

Sitemeter Queries

Well brahs, it's been a slow news week in the Patch so I thought I would take this opportunity to share some of the searches people have used when they've stumbled upon the "Dove of Hate."
Most of the time it's nothing too alarming, I get alot of hits for "truly tasteless jokes" and "cj's country bar" (okay the cj's one does give me a chill but liquor calms my soul).

I recently found a search for "manly nipples" I'd like to thank my friends in Texas for putting that one out there. My personal favourite is from back in the winter "deuce chute"...that was ofcourse until recently.
The most awesome search words generally come from our friends in the United Kingdom. Now Peterborough Ontario is not the only Peterborough in the world. There is also one in the United Kingdom that I often come across when surfing the interwebs.

I think they spend alot of time googling weird shit in the U.K.. Personally, I can get behind that kind of pastime so mad props to the Brits!
I recently found "Peterborough song polish" and perhaps the most awesome recent search (pictured on the left) that originated in the U.K. "enema sins."*

I don't know about you kids but when did a warm gush of water up the poop chute (or deuce chute) become a sin? Sometimes you just need a little help to dislodge that stubborn chunk that's clogging up the whole works.
So keep the hits coming my friends across the pond and
have a warm sudsy one on me!

B-low unplugged

*photo jpg courtesy of the Chrisp cause I'm a mongo.

Random Musings

First of all I'd like to give mad props to my peeps down in the "T" to the "ON" with the "RENT" in the middle "Trentonkat" and the "BF&A" for their recognition through the Trenton Blogwatch Noblog Awards. What can I say...you guys complete me. Without you I couldn't go on...all alone north of the border...sigh. Kudos Brahs!
(For these blogs check my sidebar or feel my wrath!)

Now for something completely different...
Yesterday I enjoyed a leisurely breakfast with some close friends and then walked down to a weekly Farmer's Market to fondle the produce. It was "firm and full" and well worth the walk.
Fortunately I had my camera with me and was able to capture this graffiti scrawled on the back of a broken bench, across from the methadone clinic, in the downtown core.
It reads "this isn't vandalism i went to art school."
If I were this particular graffiti artist I think I'd be asking for a refund. If my dad were here he'd say "don't quite your day job."
It's signed by Red Fox. Now it's conceivable that Red Fox may have relocated to Peterborough after his death and be haunting the downtown core. I often hear someone shouting "Lizbeth, I'm coming...this is the big one!" But he spells his name with two x's so it must be someone else. I plan on being extra vigilant with my camera, keeping an eye out for the next poignant missive from "red fox" the artist (I'm using that term loosely).
As I stated above this bench is across from our "methadone" clinic. The computer generated sign in the window is more discreet and refers to it as a pain management clinic. Addiction and pain suck so I'm glad there is means of support for people in recovery here in town.
Well except for the niblet who (allegedly) left his three 245 millilitre bottles of methadone on a city bus. He called the bus terminal but the methadone was not to be found. Yeah I think I've got an idea about where it might be...my mom rides the bus.

I was thinking about maybe spending a little more time in the downtown core until this headline further dissuaded me...

Five-foot python found downtown

Thankfully the manager of the local Humane Society has put my mind at ease with the following comment;
“It’s pretty unusual to have one that big running around,”... “This one definitely gets your attention.”

So are you saying that there are several pythons running around that are under 5 feet long that are not visible to the naked eye? I don't know about you bro but any snake, including Gardener snakes, gets my attention. (Insert gratuitous one eyed trouser snaked joke here...nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

He further went on to discuss the regulations around the ownership of exotic snakes.

Pythons are considered a restricted animal according to city bylaw, which requires a permit to own such a pet.

Several Peterborough pet stores sell about 40 to 60 snakes each month, but in his seven years with the humane society no permits have been issued.

“You can have the snakes as long as you have a permit,” he said.

I'm thinking that maybe you can have the snake with or without a permit. Considering none have been issued in the past seven years, yet 40 to 60 snakes are sold every month something doesn't gel.

So put on your deuce deflecting helmets and run for cover cause the Dove has been consuming a high fiber diet and can shoot on command.

B-low on the northern grind