Thursday, July 9, 2009

Straight Buggin' Yo!

Last night I attended The Festival of Lights at Del Crary Park here in Peterborough. The Festival has been running for 23 years and provides free musical entertainment for the public on Wednesday and Saturday nights. Initially there was an illuminated boat show in the lake after every performance (hence the lights angle) which was replaced by a fireworks display. Fireworks have started to strain the budget a little so they are no longer the grand finale to the show. So where are the lights coming from now? Maybe it's the glow necklaces they sell for a few dollars a pop at the gates or perhaps the cell and smart phones that dot the lawn during the performance. I'll keep looking and let you know.
The Proclaimers gave a brilliant performance last night on the Festival stage. Jolene and I got there fairly early so we were sitting pretty close to the front. I was safely sequestered away from some of the more interesting foot traffic that skirts the perimeter of the event. From a distance I could see the tube topped/bra strapped set and the wife beater alliance jostling their way through the crowd.

The show was great but I needed more! I went straight home and checked out the Peterborough Examiner online. The Dove has been pretty lax over the past few months, but nothing has surfaced that has really grabbed her interest. However, finally, last night in the Local News Section, there it was a familiar headline Man jailed for drunken misbehaviour.
Granted it's a headline that can be fairly mundane, but not this time. It delivered a slam dunk for this little birdie!

Apparently this young gentlemen, Larry Miles, was attending a party at a local hotel, with his "plus one" concealed in his pants pocket. As the night rolled on he discovered that his "little friend" was no longer in his pants. He lost his mind when he realized that he had lost his insect (no that's not a cute name for anything). He truly lost his insect, apparently it was a cockroach. Upon discovering his loss he proceeded to urinate on the belongings of others and threaten fellow party goers with a knife. You know what they say about a boy and his cockroach...
Anyway Larry was arrested the next day and charged with various offences.
It makes me wonder if he would've "Walked 500 Miles" for his roach?

B-'spot Straight Trippin' on da Northern Grind.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Springin' in da Hood!

Ah yes, spring is in the air!
Can you smell it?
The delicious tang of rotting milk assaulting your senses as you casually stroll on Bethune street behind the Baskin Robbins ice cream plant. As the temperature rises, garbage stains begin to emit their foul reek for all to enjoy. Nothing like the Spring thaw to show that the whole freakin' town is in desperate need of a bath.

In Canada, we sand and salt our roads to make winter driving less treacherous and come spring time we have about two inches of mung lining our roadways. It carries over on to the lawns and boulevards. The street sweepers have been out kicking up dust clouds and it looks like it's going to rain soon; mud pies for everyone!

Snow covers the filth and provides countless winter activities. Winter snow, and the cold that often comes with it, serves another important purpose. It sends the local thieving dirts into hibernation.

I knew it was Spring long before I even looked outside the other day. I just had to read our local newspaper to see those familiar tell tale signs. Headlines like; "Goods stolen from home", "Cash stolen" and the ever popular "Thefts from vehicles" are starting to appear. A sure sign that the local criminal set is starting to flex their atrophied limbs before embarking on the really big heavy thefts of TV's, stereo equipment etc. They're wise, they don't want to strain themselves after a long winters siesta so they start small. News of the theft of change from cars, ipods, cellphones, small things that won't cause any kind of muscle strain is slowly trickling into the "In Brief" section in the local rag.

I see them, emerging ever so slightly from their parkas; casually exposing their gaunt frames and pale flesh to the sun. Casing the neighbourhoods, checking to see who has replenished after they were robbed last year. They're on scouting missions for their next victims, now that the fair weather is here.

As I jogged through the gritty streets this morning I saw another tell tale sign that Spring has sprung. Vagrants were drinking their pre-lunch brewski's on the railroad bridge behind no-frills; King cans for as far as the eye could see. As I cut through the parking lot at Del Crary park I crossed paths with a gentleman who was coming home with his groceries, 12 cans of wildcat beer and a stick of pepperoni. I was reminded of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys and I wondered if he had any galapeno chips at home to complete his meal?

B-spot runnin' through the grime on the Northern grind!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Awaken the Dove

After a long winters nap the Dove of Hate is eating berries and drinking malt liquor readying to drop a steaming deuce of justice on Fox's Red Eye crew!

I tried desperately to stay out of the Fox News Red Eye debacle, but I can't take it anymore.
The host, whose name escapes me, made some exceptionally nasty remarks regarding the Canadian army taking a break after they leave Afghanistan in 2011. This dummy and his cast of morons proceeded to mock the Canadian army, our weather and police force for about 4 minutes. I realize that they were probably tired since it was 3am (how else would these niblets get on tv) but their comments were ill timed as 4 more Canadian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan, bringing the total so far to 116. I'd get into how the first Canadians were killed during this effort; but I don't like to point the finger.
Personally I'm not a big advocate for the military or combat. I do have a great deal of respect for those who fight and sympathy for those who have died and the families they have left behind.

One of the penile implants on this show actually said he didn't know that Canada was in the war.
Another went on to say that we don't even have a police force. We just had the Mounties with their bright red jackets. Actually we have federal, provincial (like ur states)and municipal police (that'd be ur cities and towns). The RCMP fulfill rolls at all levels of policing in Canada. The red uniform is the dress uniform of the RCMP, they're day to day uniforms are more like those of your average police department. Oh, and they drive cars too.

The kind of ignorance these mouth dribblers possess makes me sad. It's different if it's a group of children who don't have the tools to educate themselves. These people are adults and are capable of filling in the blanks in their mind grapes by reading a book or hitting the Internet for information.

Anyway, the actions and words of these mongo's have sparked a great deal of controversy in Canada. Most of the comments I've read are fairly passive aggressive, yet some are pretty nasty and violent. A lot of the comments on news sites refer to the Americans as being a stupid people. I don't subscribe to generalizations, I have friends and relatives in the U.S. and they are not dummy's. Unless of course I call them dummy's as a term of endearment, and you know who I'm talkin' bout dummies.
I recently got back from Trenton, New Jersey where I partook in the viewing and debauchery of the St. Patty's day parade. While in the alley next to the local Irish pub, the Tir na nOg ,I met a young American with a backpack full of Budweiser. He told me he'd been to Canada twice and he couldn't get over how clean it was! He claimed to be a bit of a history buff. This "Apple Faced Goon" got on some tangent about how Canada never was involved in any wars. He told me Canada had been neutral in both World Wars. I told him he was incorrect. He swore up and down that I was misinformed. I felt the impulse to punch him in the throat growing ever stronger. Violence not being the Canadian way, I chose to walk away. Sadly he proved to be very dumb. I can only hope that, after nearly feeling the sting of my death grip, he took the time to educate himself as to the truth about Canada's involvement in WWI and WWII, but then again he may not believe it.

Anyway As a Canadian, people often say we have no culture and that our history is boring.
Maybe we don't run into every battle guns blazing but that, to me, is part of our culture, we're renowned for our peacekeeping efforts throughout the world and our ability to take the abuse and ridicule that often comes our way. If that's boring and lacking in culture...than sign me up!

So educate yourselves dummies or I'll get all Laura Secord up in ur wheelhouse!
B-spot all up in dem gutts!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Ass Hammers of the Week

Well kids the Dove is trying to get into the Christmas spirit but the skizz wad element in the Patch is really starting to make 'er old wings droop. On Saturday some fine upstanding citizen clipped the drivers side mirror on my car, don't worry they didn't leave a note or anything. I wouldn't want to have my faith in humanity restored so close to Christmas or anything.

In light of recent events around the ranch (namely having my purse and other property stolen from my home) I can safely say I lost my mind when I saw it. WTF?! The only thing that has started to calm me down is knowing that they're car was crappier than mine and they left a big piece of it behind. I'm going to have it bronzed and mounted on my hood, Mad Max style. The Dove has all scofflaws in it's sights and is ready to unleash a foul torrent of stink on command!

With the help of Jolene and some screws and Black Duck Tape (Yeah it's Duck Tape Glenda! WHUH!) I'm able to commute to work safely for now. This bitch needs her freakin' mirrors brahs!

Fortunately I found something in today's paper that, though it irked me to no end, made me laugh at the ignorance of those who chose to break the law.
Peterborough is home to Canada's canoe museum. It's housed in what use to be the Outboard Marine Factory Offices on Monaghan road. My dad worked in the factory at Outboard for many years until it closed down and went down Mexico way. Though the building is not much to look at from the outside it is a fantastic museum and I highly recommend that you check it out when you're in the hood.
Anyway....on Saturday night a couple of pranksters cut down a live coniferous tree on the property. That's a pretty shitty thing to do...I don't care if they thought it was just a prank, they killed a tree and a little Christmas spirit to boot.
Thankfully, unlike most of the petty crime in this town, there was a witness who called the police. They came and located the dastardly duo in the parking lot at a local Tim Horton's, about half a block from the museum. I apologize for the lack of clarity in the following picture...the canoe museum sign can be seen on the far left, in the background you can see a cluster of signs, if you look really hard you can see the yellow and white of the Tim Horton's sign. Yes folks it's that close to the scene of the crime.

Knowing that these two jackasses were caught red handed has perked the Dove up a little bit. Don't worry the Dove is always locked and loaded to squirt a shower of deuce on the wamblers of the universe. Fa la la la la, la la la splorch!

B-low on the cold northern front!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Under the N-toxicated!

Finally two of my favourite things are coming together right here in Peterborough. Bingo and Booze!

Imagine my delight as I scraped the sleep from my eyes to read the joyful news. I had to pinch myself to see if it was real. The local bingo hall (which use to house a roller rink) is now serving spirits! Yippee! And I thought nothing good was going to happen today.
No longer will this past time be associated with tea drinkers and church basements...bring on the kegs and the house wine cause, "its gonna get raw in here like sushi", so dabbers to the left!
Apparently Peterborough's bingo hall is the first one to obtain a liquor license, since the government brought in legislation making it legal to serve alcohol at these venues in 2007. Proving once again that Peterborough is a trail blazing community.

The owner says "It's an experiment. You try this, you try that; what works you keep, what doesn't you boot,"..."It's a learning thing." Now there's a business owner who knows the community and his clientele. He's definitely gonna have to keep his boots handy!

Later haters!
B-spot under the O for out! WHUH!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Did somebody say Amazing?

You bet your sweet bibby they did!

Finally after years of seeing him only on TV talk shows like Carson and Letterman, I got to see "The Amazing Kreskin" up close and personal right here in the Patch!
(If you have to ask who Kreskin might want to climb out of your hole and check out the link).

Screamworks(a Halloween Spooktacular) was in town to frighten the locals (in a good way) over the weekend and the highlight was over 2 hours of face time with a living legend.

It's hard to believe that a livestock auction barn, that doubles as a flea market on the weekends, could play host to such a magnificent talent. Once Kreskin took the stage the faint smell of cow dung dissipated and was replaced with the sweet smell of awesomeness.

Sadly the acoustics were a bit crap...lets face it...unless you're auctioning off meat (that can walk home with you) this venue was not meant for microphones and loud speakers.
When Kreskin first graced the stage he sprung from behind the makeshift curtain in his sassy silk shirt to the wild applause of about 150 locals sitting on stackable chairs on the cement floor. Immediately the microphone started crapping out and at one point caused the speakers to feed back so violently that Kreskin temporarily lost his hearing in one ear. He was visibly shaken by the ordeal but in true showman style he continued on with his performance, despite the protestations of the audience members urging him to take a break.

His tireless wit and repartee was truly mesmerizing. I was absolutely delighted with his performance. He executed awesome card "tricks" and using the power of suggestion gained control over about 20 volunteers from the audience. He picked up thoughts from individuals in the audience, rhyming off their birthdays and names of loved ones, and performed the famous check trick, where audience members hide his check and if he can't find it he doesn't get paid. He never ceased to amaze the crowd.

To add effect, during the show, Mother Nature let loose with a severe thunderstorm. Rain and hail pounded down on the tin roof of the auction barn and thunder rolled ominously outside.

Everyone did their best to put this show on, under challenging circumstances and the crowd was not disappointed. I was surprised at the smallish size of the audience. I know it was a school night...but $17.00 to see a living legend! How could you pass that up?

Kreskin is a true showman void of pretension, full of energy and heart.
I can't wait to see him again!

B-Dawg on the Amazed front!

*I apologize for the quality of my pics...I was using Jolene's camera and I'm not use to the settings...normally I would use my own point and click but some douchebag stole it from my house.
(PS. you suck douchebag who stole my purse)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

What's mine is yours? CFMF'ers!

Well bro's and ho's it's been another banner weekend in the Patch.

To start it all off some dirty, slippery, pissant broke into my house and stole my purse. Not just my wallet, my entire purse which contained my cell phone, camera (which I use to take awesome shots of local bullshite) and my crappy sports watch...that I just happen to love in a not so healthy way. I gotta say I'm not as upset as I should be. It's a little unnatural...

I've had my wallet stolen twice before back when I lived in Toronto and they were stolen off of my person while riding public transit. Maybe that's why "I don't do public transit."
Sure It made me feel violated and dirty but not like having some bottom feeder come into your house and take only one thing. Like they knew exactly what they were looking for...dirty douche(s).
I have to apologize to the criminal because I'm sure they were excited to get a cell phone, until they found out I'm a "pay as you go" customer...I only buy like 30 minutes at a time so I guess they couldn't reach those Malaysian hookers they were trying to get a rise out of.

I'll really miss my was unique and immature and I quite loved it. It was just your
standard wallet but it had the same cartoon picture as this mug has on the front of it. I'm not a vindictive ex-boyfriend hater...the sentiment just makes me laugh. That wallet made me giggle every time I saw it...and I got alot of compliments on it. Maybe the clerk at the Mac's milk complimented the robber on its cleverness as they completed a transaction for a carton of cigarettes with my Visa card....I hate to think of some pasty faced grease ball (male or female) touching the contents of my purse. The pictures of my nephew, my Happy Bunny dayplanner, my filthy old Timex sports watch....
My actual purse was not high end but I was fond of it too...but most of all I'll miss my LED dolphin light/keychain that made errant dolphin squeals when you pressed the button. I hope you dirty mf'ers enjoy my new watch battery...I hope it explodes in your eyes and burns your dirty little sole.

So suck it monkeys the Dove is loaded and ready for action and this time it's personal. I've got a douchebag seeking missile of slimy deuce action heading your way!

B-low on the burgled front!

P.S. I hope you choke on an altoid you CFMF'er(s)!