The Dove of Love

Well haters the Christmas season is upon us and I've decided to give the Dove of Hate some time off in order to spread some much needed love.
My travels as a professional "filler inner" have taken me to the far reaches of Peterborough and its surrounding counties. I've encountered people from all walks of life and delighted in the
eye catching spectacles that people adorn their front lawns with at this most magical time of
the year. Many decorators fall back on the safe store made inflatable Santa Claus, Snowman or Penguin. Maybe it's an oversized motorized snowglobe for the garage roof. LED lights are slowly taking over where icicle lights use to dangle crustily in the wind. Rope lighting (once solely for strip club use) has made its way around banisters and been coiled into various holiday shapes. I applaude all efforts to decorate and spread the joy at this time of year. I appreciate a good old fashioned Griswald family christmas but I'm also a fan of the personal touch.
This past Monday we had snow squalls and freezing rain that made driving treacherous. Highway 28 was like a washboard. The dangerous conditions forced a "snow day" on our region. On snow days (for my friends in the Hood) the buses are cancelled so the majority of students can't make it to school. The schools do remain open and the teachers have to be there. I'm fortunate to be in a carpool with 3 other rockstars so I didn't have to make the trip alone. We decided to not take the backroads we often take to the school and remain on the main roads for safety sake. We took our time crawling along Dale Road and were rewarded with a
most excellent display for our efforts. At the corner of Dale Road and Toronto Roads in the tiny town of Welcome we were met with a most awe inspiring sight.
There, frozen in two feet of snow, was the sweet baby Jesus and his whole old world entourage - larger than life.
They had obviously wandered off their original "trip-tik" and become disoriented when the sands of the desert flash froze them in time.
The pictures I have taken do not do this incredible display the JUSTICE it so richly deserves! Mary, Joseph and the Three Wisemen are joined by camels, sheep and their sheperd, a donkey and a cow frozen up to its haunches in ice (which is primo but not visible in these photos). Sure they didn't have hydropoles and mailboxes in Bethlehem but the effort in this incredible home made tribute makes you see past the Super model quality of Mary being watched over by Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.
The sheperd is so real, shivering in the cold, I want to go buy him a candy cane hot chocolate form Tim Horton's to take the chill off his non-existent bones.
Oh and the Camels! Where do I begin?


I swear I can see their breath in the crisp northern air.
I can only hope that others who pass by this awe inspiring display take a fraction of the enjoyment I have this past week.
It's a graphic display with some minor historical inaccuracies, I'm beginning to wonder what they do at Easter?
So today I launch the first ever "Dove of Love" on the creators of this magnificent scene. We got to see it lit up last night on the way home and yes it was truly a thing of beauty.
I feel truly blessed to revel in it's magnitude daily.
This is B-spot on the crispy northern front saying "Stay High" the natural way!

The Classics

Things certainly are different than when I was a kid. Cursive writing is taking a back seat to word processing and power point presentations. The kids have mp3 players instead of skipping ropes and Indian Rubber balls. We worry about our kids becoming less active so the government steps in to mandate 20 minutes of Quality Daily Physical Activity (QDPA) and educators learn about Differentiated Instruction - a way of giving students variety in how they will be taught and assessed, in order to appeal to different learning styles , because we all learn differently...don't cha know?
Sure we're going to keep Standardized Testing (EQAO) how else will we hold the educators and administrators accountable?
Okay rant aside....my point is that no matter how much the curriculum changes and the world evolves you can count on one constant: kids will always be the same. I don't mean they're carbon copies of each other. I mean as children grow and mature they will find the same things funny, shocking and play the same practical jokes throughout the ages. Kids still make "cootie catchers" also known as "fortune tellers" south of the border with phrases such as "you will marry (insert name of most repulsive school mate here)" and "you smell like poo".
Oh yes, poo still makes them giggle insanely, in fact any reference to the deuce chute region will leave them spent, breathless and red in the face from laughter so intense you're certain they've ruptured something
People often say how they weep for the future...sure some kids are going down the wrong path but I'm here to tell you that at least a few of my students still think saying the word "damn" is grounds for having your mouth washed out with soap, or at least a quick trip to the principals office. Though so many of them view themselves as having seen it all, I don't doubt they've seen alot but I always need to remind myself that they are still so young.
The other day a few of my students came to me with a copy of a well used dictionary that was in my classroom.




They told me that it said something bad and they thought they should show it to me. On the first page of this dictionary some one has written in pen turn to page 201. Yeah, it's a trap but how can you resist?
I first thought...okay this is going to be the page that has the word penis or breast on it. Maybe even prick.
Sadly, I was wrong.







There boldly emblazoned in permanent ink is a textual bitch slap for all who dare to heed the enticement on the first page of this hallowed volume.
Pictured below is page 201.



After thanking them for bringing me the book I told my girls that I would dispose of the book in an appropriate manner. They seemed to want more than that but that's all I could offer at the time. I couldn't find the original culprit. They were long gone. They could be a well respected dignitary or public figure by now. There would be no forensic testing but I assured them they did the right thing by bringing this desecration to my attention. I'm glad they were so responsible and did the right thing. They are what gives me faith to keep on keepin' on. However, I can't bring myself to dispose of this dictionary. This dictionary has been through alot. Despite the fact that it's binding has torn away from its spine it otherwise remains virtually intact. It has served its public well, providing definitions for generations of students. It's a relic from another time and it deserves some respect.
So it has now taken a place of honour in my private joke repertoire. If someone's really chapping my ass that's a definite "201"!
So put that in your backpack!
B-spot on the Northern Slide!

What's up Dog?

Okay, my first guess is that Tucker Chapman did not pass his screen test to be "young, youngest blood" on Dog the Bounty Hunter. Why else would he give the enquirer a tape of his old man dropping the "N" bomb? Sure what the Dog was spewing just wasn't cool, but really is it cool to be dissing your dad in such a public manner? Cricky Bra! Just cause you didn't suckle at Beth's teats isn't any reason to air your dirty laundry in public. Doesn't the Dog embarrass himself enough sporting that candy floss mullet and having his bitch tits spew forth from his unbuttoned man blouses?
Okay, I admit...I love to watch Dog and his posse wrastling the scumwads of Hawaii. I love the intense pepper spray take downs, foul language being showered on the bail jumpers. Then the ride in the SUV where their "catch" professes their undying love for the dog and a miniature verbal bitch slapping/intervention period ensues. Always these episodes end with a crack head in tears and "...you're okay my brother" being uttered by Dog.
Well my bro's and ho's I think Dog and Tucker better crack out the "mane and tail mullet wash" cause the Dove of Hate went to an all you can eat Mexican buffet last night and they're gonna need all the help they can get scrubbing refried bean deuce out of their do's!
Later Haters!
B-spot on the chilly Northern front!

"Nee Haw Peterborough!"

Well I'm delighted to report that an empty business in downtown Peterborough is soon going to be brought back to life. The always evolving venue of Club Vibe is once again getting ready to open it's doors. Club Vibe is a fairly large venue (12,000 square feet) so keeping up attendance has been a challenge in the past. The former owners and organizers often put on all ages events to help fill this vast venue and provide a place for teens to get out and dance. Unfortunately underage drinking and filling the place to capacity have proved difficult in the past. Frankly, the flavour of the vibe wasn't anything new or exciting. Downtown Peterborough already has it's share of dance venues.
Restoration on the rather dank building is already underway and the new owner hopes to open up "CJ's Country Bar" in 6 to 8 weeks. Just in time for a Cowboy Christmas I hope!
During an interview in the local paper the new owner said..."The main bar area is 5,000 square feet and you can’t walk on it without stepping on a piece of gum. It’s that dirty. I’m doing an extensive renovation."

"Ideally I need to modernize the outside of the building. It’s an eye-sore in the downtown core," he said. "It will be repainted. I’m putting in new doors. Believe it or not there is black marble on the front of that building and I want to polish it and utilize some of the original architecture of the building."

I think it's awesome that this guy isn't just slapping up a coat of paint and hiring a coat check girl/guy. He sounds like he's going to give the old building the respect it deserves. It's seen alot of ugliness over the years.

Originally the Club Vibe building was one of Peterborough's local cinemas. If memory serves it housed two theatres, the main one on the first floor and a smaller one upstairs. I think it was the Paramount? I remember sneaking in to the upstairs theatre to watch that racy film "Grease", even though I'd paid to see something rated PG on the main floor. Good times! But enough about me and how I use to spend my $2.00 allowance.
This time around the new owner is proposing a Country Music Bar for the space. I love it. Diversity in the downtown core! We really don't need another place that plays bass laden music with monosyllabic lyrics. Sure those places have their merits but Peterborough needs an alternative and I'm pretty excited that someone is stepping up to the plate. Or moseying up to the bar...so to speak and making the investment. Clearly the country music scene has become increasingly popular over the past few years. People 18 to 35 years of age are really starting to dig the scene. It may not be everyones cup of sarsaparilla but I hope it's going to be a big hit. It's hard to see such a large store front remain empty in our downtown. It's also hard to think of all that wasted gum ground into it's dance floor.
Mr. Bob's update - due to drug charges their liquor license has been revoked. Though the restaurant remains open we're not yet sure if a dry venue will be able to survive. Maybe as a breakfast/lunch place like the Queensway restaurant? Time will tell.
Hopefully CJ's can fill the void by providing a natural way to "Stay High". Heck! I might even dust off my 10 gallon hat!
Don't fret haters I'll be back with a rant soon.
B-spot in the chilly North!

"Stay High"

Hey Deuces! Long time no blog. Things have been pretty slow around PeterPatch since the big "Bridal/Boxing Blowout" Weekend at the Trentwinds. Don't worry, lots girls are still doing their thing even though the Trent Canal system has shut down for the season. Sure, without the barrage of oversexed male houseboat renters, tips will be scarce but our girls will be okay.
Thanks for your concern.
Anyway...I was checking my local newspapers website last night and was assaulted by a "News Alert". These alerts are always highlighted on a red backdrop. I always think it's going to be something devastating to warrant such an alarming colour choice. Alas it was a report about a local business owner being busted on drug charges. I think this news alert could have been put forth with a more subtle colour like lemon or rust. Lets face it the guys not a saint so what's with sending up the flare of surprise?
I found a brief account of the story on another website and have copied it below (in rust);

A prominent business owner and local philanthropist is accused of running a lucrative drug ring out of his family pizza parlour and now faces numerous drug-related charges. Tracy Robinson, 46, along with three other employees at Mr. Bob's Gourmet Pizza and Restaurant, were arrested Monday (Oct. 15) after police searched The Queensway business and seized more than $30,000 worth of cash and drugs.
After getting over the shock that this was considered "Gourmet Pizza" (having once heard Mr. Bob's pizza referred to as "something that looked like an un-wiped babies arse), I was most struck by the word philanthropist in this short piece. I suppose you could say that his crime was motivated by his altruistic concern for human beings and their need to "Stay High" which was inscribed on every baggie of cocaine that was seized. But maybe the writer was referring to Robinson's endless supply of borderline entertainment that wafted through his bar/restaurant over the years. His establishment, which moved ever closer to a local highway over the years (I suppose that provided for easier access for suppliers and buyers) was a hub of no name talent. I applaude you Mr. Robinson for the endless parade of singers/musicians and comedians whom you gave voice to and...for the ladies you provided the counterpart to Thursdays all female review, promoting "Exotic Male Dancers". In short, something for everyone and you even served breakfast. Wow! You are a philanthropist. Sadly I don't think this champion of the people will be able to continue his good deeds where he is going. What will become of "Mr. Bob's Gourmet Pizza"? Where will all the guys with acoustic guitars and a song in their heart sing now? Will male dancers by left shivering in the cold?

Will Mr. Bob's go the way of the Bake & Make (pictured on the left) where they finally figured ya gotta bake'em before ya make'em?

Is Peterborough, like Trenton, NJ about to lose another local institution?
Only time will tell.
"Stay High" my friends - this ones for "pants down man", nobody pumps it better!
B-spot on the northside.

Signs O Change

Well folks, it's been a busy weekend in Peterborough. Once again the Trentwinds Conference Centre has been hopping 24/7. You remember the Trentwinds, home of Thursdays where you can get down with "ice cold beer lots girls"?
First and foremost this multi-faceted venue hosted a bridal show on Friday night. Cheap signs lined the boulevards in and around Peterborough all week, calling out to bride-zillas everywhere to come and get some great ideas for centrepieces...you know the ones you can always use again! As you can see the sign mavens at the Trentwinds had to squeeze a rather elongated "R" into the word Bridal to get the message out. Actually I think it might be an 8 that they worked their magic on. Just seeing this sign alone made me want to camp out over night so I could get through the doors first! Wow can you say Poppin' with Pizzaz!
All night long, the floor of the International Ballroom (I kid you not - that is the name of the main room) was draped with party favours, wedding gowns and cooing brides to be.


A mere 24 hours later after bridal dreams were fulfilled the owners were prepping for the
main event...Live Amateur Boxing.
The promoters obviously brought in their own sign, not willing to leave anything to chance, for the occasion.
Yes kids from bridal show to boxing. Just think while all of this was going on...a bevy of beauties were shakin' their money makers out back at Thursdays (where I imagine they benefited from the 600 attendees of the boxing match after the final bout).
I checked out the final results in the Peterborough Examiner. There was a short interview with one of the boxers a Timo (TNT) Smith who hails from the small town of Bethany South West of Peterborough. He was pretty pumped about winning a victory in his hometown - wait a minute isn't he from Bethany? And I quote...
“It was in my hometown and it was a big deal to have everyone come out for me,” Smith said. “Everywhere else I just care about my performance. As long as I put on a good performance I don’t care about the decision, unless I get totally ripped off but when it’s here, I really, really hope I pull it off.”
So is he saying he didn't bring his "A game" to Peterborough? I'm confused.
Oh well my main point is that it's hard to believe that a venue can go from satin and taffeta to head shots and lost teeth within the span of 24 hours. But then again many weddings go down that road as soon as the toasts are done, so maybe the Trentwinds has got it right?
I'll ponder that when I'm slow dancing with Jolene at his company Christmas party on the dancefloor of the International Ball Room at the Trentwinds in December.

Just the tip

Well deuces, the dove of hate has been laying low for a few days, refueling for a mile high pile. Before I release it's steaming contents on my unsuspecting victims I 'd like to give a shout out to all my peeps down in the T to the ON with the RENT in the middle. That's Trenton, New Jersey...not Trenton Ontario.
Trenton Ontario boasts the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Canada. If anyone knows Trenton NJ's number one claim to fame (outside of the Greenwood Raceway) let me know.

Tonight's blog is all about keepin' it real. I'd like to dedicate this entry to Sy, an entrepreneur, who's takin' it to the streets to make his town better one bicep curl at a time!
I had the distinct pleasure of cruising by Sy's gym on Olden Avenue in Trenton, NJ in August. I'm not ashamed to say I gazed longingly at the simplicity of his operation.

I belong to the local YMCA in Peterborough, Ontario. We use to be housed in a century old building in the heart of downtown but earlier this year we moved into a brand new facility off the main drag. Sure it's shiny and the equipment is new and state of the art...it's all good, but seeing Sy's gym this summer made my heart ache for the simpler times. The times when a good set of free weights and a pair of running shoes were the prescription for a satisfying workout. No programs and heart rate monitors, just an occasional reality check to be cashed when necessary.
So tonight I'm going to release the dove on some of the folks who have disrupted my own work out experience.
I'm not what you'd call a gym rat. I don't have the matching Nike bra-top to go with stretch capris and I don't apply lip gloss and eyeshadow before I hit the treadmill. When I workout I sweat and the armpits of my t-shirts can bear testimony to that. If you want to join a gym you can't get away from the gym rats. Male and female they are there, gnawing at the integrity of serious sweat monkeys everywhere.
This dove is going out to all the messed up wads who go to my gym. Yeah...you know who you are!
The first one is for this wanker who looks like a sawed off Stretch Armstrong doll. Yeah you heard me you brush-cutted little whiz pile. Number 1 - When you sign up for a machine, make sure you do it on the appropriate board. (I know the 'roids are frying your little pea brain, but it's the alphabet dude, pretty basic stuff). I am on treadmill A - therefore I sign up under treadmill A - Not B. Next up Fonzie...it ain't your office so don't be taking calls on your cellphone while you "walk" on the treadmill for an hour. I'd also like to make sure the Dove leaves some crusty leftovers on the guys who work in the Lifestyle Centre (The Lifestyle Centre is where they house the cardio and weight equipment) for letting this bristly little wanker get away with it...and you know you do. If that was me talking on my cellphone it'd be a major take down!
Next up I'm gonna drop it on the broads I had to listen to in the women's change room before I headed out on my run on Tuesday night. As I was pile driving my rolls into my shorts and sports bra they were blathering on about supplements. I had to tie my shoes extra slow to get the full gist of the situation. One of the personal trainers was telling a couple of the members about the supplements she takes. One burned carbs the other repelled fat absorptions blah, blah, blah! The one candyfloss headed broad was complaining about how tired she gets in the afternoons. Personal trainer broad encouraged her to take one particular supplement to get through it. She also said, "You may get shaky during your workout, but run through it."
WHAT THE F*@K? Who says that out loud with witnesses around?
I think when I get shaky it's my body telling me to....oh, I don't know....STOP, maybe EAT A SANDWICH?
Last of all...
I was at the gym the other day and I overheard this broad talking about her Q-tip addiction. I gotta say one of the greatest places to hear this kind of human tale is the change room. Usually the "recovering addict" or "sharer of woes" likes to talk at the top of their voice so they can drum up dialogue with others who are trapped half naked, or coiffing themselves after or before a workout. In other words - there ain't no way out! This chic was saying how she was totally jonesin' on the q-tips. She'd mack those cushy little mofo's into her ear 3 or 4 times a freakin' day. Ended up she damaged the "gland?" that produces the wax and can no longer excrete a dose of earwax to maintain proper ear health. She found this out after suffering from numerous ear infections and maladies of the ear for years. She talked about how hard it was to walk by the complimentary q-tips that the gym provides in the change room - like one might hear a conformed smoker or alcoholic relate the struggle to pass up a smoke or a jigger of their favourite hooch. It was frenetic, intense and somewhat ridiculous. I'm not dissing her for her particular addiction but you gotta think it goes deeper than the fuzzy little q-tip. You know she spends time alone in her room playing "just the tip".
I think this town is in dire need of a visit from Sy. He needs to spread his mantra and bitch slap the posers back to reality. I think it's time to look into sponsoring a "Keepin' it Real" Continental Tour.
Till next time...
B-spot signing out from the Northern Front
(Included is picture of Sy's road front gym courtesy of Chrissy & G-Spot)

Signs of Peterborough Part 2

Yeah, Peterborough's a tough town. Even the colonel takes a hard line when promoting new eats at the amalgamated taco bell, kluck 'n chuck on the corner of Monaghan Road and Landsdowne streets. Sure, he comes across all sweet and grandfatherly, but you know that Southern Mofo ain't above bustin' a cap in your ass if you don't try his chicken fries! Peterborough is too damn hard a town for the typical Crunchwrap from taco bell, they had to come up with a brand new taste treat to satisfy the toothless hoards that love to feel the trickle of a warm mexican fastfood dish slide down their nasty palates. The CRUNKH WRAP SUPREME is a local delicacy, it ain't crunchy it be crunkhy.
Now don't be gettin all up in my grill and saying "why you gotta be hatin' B-girl? They just ran out of C's to spell it like CRUNCH" I know you want me to step off and let it go...but haters - I be from the patch and I know it's a message. This town has a seedy underbelly and being CRUNKH is just the tip of the iceberg - BOYZ!
Today Jolene and I went for a mountain bike ride, we took the "creamy path". We ended up off "the beaten path" and Jolene took a header off his bike today and busted up his elbow. I guess the "creamy path" was just to fast and slick for us. Poor Jolene, he got a trip to the Emerg and an x-ray - nothing broken, no more creamy path for him - for awhile! I let him have some KFC to help wash down the hurt. I went into get his order, I was a little shaken by what I saw parked outside.



You don't see what I'm talking 'bout?









Talk a closer look homies!








Yeah that's right SCOOTERS! Not just one...a deuce!
That meant there were at least two of them and only one of me. Normally Jolene would have my back but with his busted wing and his pity party I knew he would be useless to me! I would have to depend on my own street skills if I was gonna make it out alive.
Well the bad guys must've been feeling generous today - 'cause I got outta there with my 3 piece snack pack and my life!

I was wheeling out of the parking lot when I got a load of this whacked out ride! I was so nervous when I saw the bullet riddled body of this Taurus that I was too shaky to get a full shot of the name in the back windshield "The Beast". This is one beast I wasn't gonna stick around to see!
Well bro's and ho's I'm glad I survived another day in the Patch to share my tales with y'all.
This is B-Spot signing off till next time!
Put it in your eye and stroke it!

The Signs of Peterborough Volume I

What can I say, I dig Peterborough. I've lived in bigger cities that claim to have more culture, but you need only take a leisurely cruise around town in your car, on your bike or using the ankle express to see the awesome culture we have to offer. Sure you can go to the festival of lights, or take in some entertainment at Showplace or Artspace, whatever floats your boat.
Personally, I like to get down and talk to the people outside the Sherbrooke Street liquor store and take candid shots (with my camera) of the underappreciated aspects of this great borough.
When you're entering Peterborough from points east such as, Norwood, Havelock, Ottawa etc. you will be welcomed by the customary signs that inhabit the outskirts of any great mecca. You will learn our population, where to find our main attractions like the Liftlocks, Trent University and even the Zoo. If you're paying attention you may even learn where some
Old Testament daughters have come to roost. To get the full story on Lot and his daughters check out the condensed version at Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lot_(Bible)
Truthfully, this sign adorns a local establishment called the Trentwinds Hotel and Conference Centre. The Trentwinds hosts Christmas parties, weddings, various conferences and several well attended craft shows. Oh and female strippers.
If memory serves...it was called the Miss Diana when I was in high school. Loverboy, Platinum Blonde and other fab Canadian bands adorned the stage in the 80's and 90's. Though the name has changed, and the venue has undergone some transformation...the one constant has been strippers. When it was the Miss Diana we called it the "Inner thighs". I'm not knocking this noble profession, do what you've got to do. Live and let live. But what happened to that magical connecting word....OF? I guess if you're really all about beer and biblical babes you get the message loud and clear. Be here at 11:30AM and run a tab.
I took this picture last week. I also have a picture of this very same sign taken with my old 35mm camera....um about 4 years ago. The only thing that has changed about this sign is that the broken shards of the Thursdays sign were cleared out...I'm assuming with a long stick?
I've also included a picture of the opposite side of the sign. Sadly this is the side of the sign you see when you are leaving Peterborough heading East. Without the fab yellow arrow directing passersby on the incoming side, many must sail on by, unsatisfied craving ice cold beer and a pre-historic skin show. The West side of the sign boasts a 5 for the second S in Thursdays and a rather ambiguous opening time :30AM. The beer is merely cold, not ice cold.
I know it's a pretty awesome sign.
So remember folks, the next time you're perusing the craft show or watching the happy couple enjoy their first dance together, out back, a mere puddle jump away "Lots Girls" are plying their craft.
Stay tuned for more signs of Peterborough.
B-spot out!

IDOBEATOFF

Well folks it's another hot and windy day in the Kawartha's. Birds are chirping, dogs are barking and dirty sweaty old men are pulling their goalies alongside my beloved canal!
Yes folks, it's true, the beauty and wonderment of nature has been tainted for me once again.
My old man, Jolene, and I went out for a mountain bike ride this morning. We made our way towards a path that runs alongside the Trent canal. We cruised by the Lift locks and around Armour Hill (Armour Hill is Peterborough's make out spot) and up towards Trent university along the water. The trails are not groomed, and in some spots are better suited to hiking than riding but we soldiered on in the heat of the morning.
In the spring a foot bridge was built for walkers and cyclists to help provide safe passage from one part of the Rotary trail to a spot further along river road. This new bridge passes right over part of the Trent Canal. At about 10:20 am, Jolene and I stopped to plan our route back on the new bridge. We were the only cyclists/walkers around at the time. We were planning on taking the trail that travels alongside the canal for a challenge, rather than simply taking the paved trail home. We noticed that there was a man standing with his back to us on the trail we wished to take. We figured he was taking a leak. Though not thrilled about having my tires make contact with his urine pool, we waited for him to move on so we could head down to the trail.
He didn't move on. He appeared to be wiping himself with something in his left hand - pretty dainty for a dude whose unleashing it in public, or so I thought. I then noticed he was hiking up his shorts and starting to power up his right arm. HEY ZEUS! This douchetard was gratifying himself in public! Now the fact that he had his back to the path and he was "attempting" to be discreet, proves he knew this was not the thing to be doing. There were bushes around, trees, you're own freakin' home? Why not take it inside you dirty sweaty pig?
I get that people have fetishes and I'm cool with that - but there is a time and a place for everything - you dirty stinking pig!
As I pedalled away disgusted and in shock I yelled at hammer man "That spot is not as private as you think - Pig!"
Now I realize I probably fulfilled one of his dirty stinking fantasies by letting him know his public was watching.
I regret not having my cell phone with me. Not that it would have done much good. By the time I reported him I'm sure he would have shook of his tally whacker and headed back to his bachelor pad in hell for some pizza pockets and root beer.
How would I have described him to the cops? He was fairly nondescript...he looked like someones dad, grandfather, brother, husband...not your garden variety dirty sweaty pig.
So you filthy stinking pig I am going to release a mammoth Dove of Hate on you. I hope it drowns you with it's steaming deuce of justice. Sleep lightly pig boy...your whacking days are numbered...

Mission Accomplished!

Well fellow haters the Liftlocks re-opened on Wednesday the 29th. There was still no public notfication and the only way to find out if the locks were functioning was to call the actual Liftlock, or pull up anchor and make a break for lock 19 one more time.
As an aside Lock 19 boasts the youngest lockmaster on the trent canal system - so I've heard - I don't know him personally but he did comment on Jolene's manly nipples on our first trip through the locks in May. We were all taken aback...because surely they are manly nipples but not many men feel secure enough to comment!
Anyway...the day was overcast and, as expected there was some backlog and the locks were running a little slower than usual. Guys with hard hats were still meandering around the Liftlock when we approached. Captain J was visibly agitated. We were behind schedule and his manly nipples were getting twisted! (Generally Jolene is pretty calm but I have witnessed some serious hating going on when he is faced with a line, such as in a bank or buffet restaurant).
As I relaxed and took in the view of our majestic claim to fame I couldn't help but notice that some local ass-hammers had defaced our beloved landmark. These hardcore jerkwabs would have had to propel themselves over the side of the lock to sprawl their incoherent message on the wall. I believe it says "Die Pigger Die". Which translated from the latin means "We're a bunch of buttholes who need a hobby"?
Oh my God! Haven't you guys heard of the water tower? There's actually stairs up to it and you might be able to scrawl something people can understand!
Okay, I'm not advocating public vandalism, but these knobs must've felt pretty manky when they came back in the light of day to view their artistic handywork! Fear of heights and fear of death do not make for good "spraycanmanship".
Here's an idea deucepiles! Start a blog. Get your message out in a healthy and legal manner! That's what I did...the body count has been reduced substantially! So I'm gonna release a mini-dove of hate on the misguided youth of today. They know not what they do, we've all been there so I don't want them saturated with dove deuce, I just want them to feel the warm trickle of the dove of hate on the shoulder of their anti-establishment t-shirts.

The final picture in my blog was taken on Clear lake as we powered into the second storm we encountered on our trip. Oddly I didn't see any other boats besides us underway.....hmmmm.
Brender Out
Later Haters!

Well folks it's another beautiful summer day in Peterborough, Ontario and I'm ready to unfurl a massive Dove of Hate!
For those of you not familiar with Peterborough (a.k.a. the patch) we're known for a couple of things. Recently we made headlines when Stats. Canada released information regarding which cities contained the largest concentration of senior citizens. We're number 2! 18.2% of Peterboroughs population is over 65. Kelowna B.C. weighs in at number one with 19%. We were sooooo close to being number 1!
They other thing we are known for is the Peterborough Liftlocks or Lock 21 as we know it locally. It is the highest hydraulic liftlock in the world. Let's face it, that's pretty cool! The picture above was taken from the top of our Liftlock.
Peterborough benefits from the tourism aspects of the Trent canal system and local tourist boats that take visitors up and down the liftlocks.
This morning my boyfriend, Jolene, his daughter, Jimmy-jack (the names have been changed to protect the innocent) and I were going to take his houseboat up the Trent Canal to Buckhorn before it goes into drydock for the summer.
We planned every detail. I laid in food and other necessities, we were gonna hammer through in one day so we were up to the challenge and ready to rock!
We were on the boat by 8:15am and heading for lock 19 by 8:30am when the locks would open for the day. As we chugged up to tie up below lock 19 a couple who were on a rental houseboat informed us that the Liftlock was closed. Apparently it has been closed since yesterday afternoon, maintenance workers are realigning the main cyclinders. The hope is that it will be up and running by tomorrow.
Okay, I'm not going to release the Dove of Hate on the workers or the fact that the Liftlock is closed. I certainly don't want to take a ride up the river in a giant bucket full of water if it's not calibrated properly. I want it functioning well for the safety of all involved.
The Dove of Hate is for the local media, city hall, Parks Canada and whoever else is asleep at the wheel! There has been no news coverage or alerts regarding the current status of the Liftlock and the progress of the work. I checked the Peterborough Examiner online in the morning and there was no news alert that the Locks were not functioning.
When Letdown Place (Lansdowne place - a local mall) was closed due to an industrial accident there was a newsflash on the Examiner website. Today there's a flash about local councillor Dean Pappas' family vacationing in Greece, apparently they've escaped fires that are occuring in Greece. I'm glad they're safe and I hope all those affected are safe and the damage is minimal, but come on! How about checking out the local scene and keeping your people informed?
Maybe I need to stress how Peterborough is known for it's Liftlock. If you stop any Peterboroughtonian on the street and ask them what we're known for they would most likely say The Liftlocks. They might say old people and posers, but most likely they would reference the Liftlocks in some way.
I'm going to release my Dove of Hate for all of those who are waiting patiently at local marina's or tethered up and down the lock system awaiting the re-opening of our beloved Liftlock. God bless you all!
Let the Dove fly and foul the air!
First Mate B signing off!

Proper Channels

I've gotta release a flock of doves on the corrupt people in authority! I work in the education industry and I've been willfully seeking fulltime employment in my chosen field for approximately 5 years now. I have worked hard, upgraded my skills and sadly kissed some unsavoury ass to no avail. I decided on a new tact this past spring. Tell it like it is! You ask me a question, I'll give you an honest answer. This does not seem to be getting me full time employment but it's great for cleansing your soul and getting a good nights sleep.
I have sat back and watched numerous individuals, who have little or no talent, receive jobs based on who they know and who they are related to in local school boards. I'm not naive. I know how the working world works. I'm at peace with it. However, I just got a call from a friend, who has also been seeking full-time employment for a long freakin' time, she called HR about a particular job and was told that she would have to follow protocol to apply for it.
Okay deuce are you talking about the proper channels in place through the boards collective agreement or are you talking about the grapevine? Cause from my experience it's the latter that gets you hired in this nepotistic borough.
I personally don't come from a family of educators so I don't have numerous relatives and friends of relatives who will pull the necessary strings to get me hired.
I believe in old fashioned hard work and being properly trained, qualified and prepared to complete a job. It's funny but I know I should be releasing a mega dove of hate on these pathetic simpletons but I just don't think they're even worth my virtual angst. So put that in your backpacks you pencil pushing, mouth breathing, protocol twisting, pant suit wearing feebs!
Sebastian the bear (pictured above) is tired of their bullshit too!
B-spot out!

Dove of Hate Volume 1

Welcome fellow haters! You have stumbled upon the Dove of Hate what is the Dove of Hate? The dove is a virtual anger management tool that I want to share with the world. Sure you've heard of the power of The secret and counting to 10 but bro's and ho's the power of the dove is all 'bout you harnessing your anger, your hate, your misplaced aggression and rolling it all into one simple fluttering ball of angst and releasing it on the world. My fellow blogger and sis inlaw can describe it more eloquently than I can in her blog... http://trentonkat.blogspot.com/.

So what's a hater to do?

According to B, my Canadian sister-in-law, we need to take a deep breath and stop thinking about the self-serving, egomaniacal, lawsuit-happy politicians as well as the self-centered, short-sighted, self-destructive knuckleheads in this city, and instead think about how our own anger and disillusionment are adversely affecting our lives. We must envision our negative emotions as a small, football-sized object, in our hands, tangible. We must hold that imaginary parcel in our hands and see it as "The Dove of Hate." Hold the Dove of Hate for a moment with respect. Understand what it is, what makes it. Raise it to chest level. And release, palms up to the heavens, eventually allowing your arms to gently fall to your sides. You have released the Dove of Hate; now watch it fly away!

In her blog Chrissy is making some reference to beautiful and dysfunctional Trenton New Jersey where I spend the bulk of my holiday time. Chrissy married my bro Glen and we've been reeking havoc ever since!
Now the Dove of Hate can be used in most any situation, don't just reserve it for political angst and knuckleheads of the garden variety. Spray it's angry filth all over your friends and neighbours as needed. You'll be amazed at the feelings of calm and peace that overcome you after you've released you're fake, fowl/foul friend into the atmosphere.

Don't take my word for it! Give it a try!
Till next time...Brendage out!