Happy Hood Year (Part the First)

Well Haters I'm fresh from my trip to the hood and ready to share my tales of the Hood New Year. We started our journey Sunday the 30th of December. Jolene and I left the Patch in the late afternoon to head for the border. We were well stocked with Canadian goodies for Chrispy and Glenard and a few bottles of hooch to help ring in the new year. We were psyched! There would be food, thrifting, and the opportunity to punish my bro's new plumbing (which you can read more about at Trentonkat's Pre-Christmas Mishmash post). We drove until about 9pm and spent the night at the Best Western in Tully. We continued on our trip the following morning arriving in the hood at around 4pm. I had brought various hors d'oeuvres in my cooler from Canada and it was going to be a finger food feast!
After we arrived we sat in the "friendship room" sipping beverages and catching up on the post Christmas fallout. Our family participates in a gift exchange, what usually happens is that we put all the adults names in a "basket" or reasonable facsimile - then the names are drawn and matched to a list of every ones names and we are to buy gifts for that person only. We're not Cretans though we always pick up something for our parents and the nieces and nephews. This is not a unique concept but it has had its ups and downs over the years. We all dread certain people getting our names, but in the spirit of Christmas and with a mere $30.00 limit we can all survive. I however had to inform the deuces that according to a decree on our kitchen chalkboard, written by my mother, that there would be "NO MORE GIFT EXCHANGE" (pictured below).
I don't know if this is considered legal and binding but I think I'll wait until next fall for the annual name draw to get the skinny on the poop - I've learned to "not poke the bear".
Though Glenda and Chrispy were devastated by the news we managed to find our joy once again and continue on with our musings.
We retired to Monkeys room and watched some television on DVR. Having only 3 channels coming in with my rabbit ears I am thoroughly jealous of my bro's TV technology. Sure we have a satellite hook up downstairs but it's perma-locked on CNN where my ma is busy solving crimes. The idea of taping television, pausing television and then...for the love of God watching it whenever you want makes me all tingly inside.
Chrispy heated up all the delicious foodstuffs from the President's Choice line. Fig & Goat Cheese in Phyllos pastry, various cheese assortment and some meatballs. I sipped a delicious Cabernet from California - Liberty School - a personal favourite and Jolene macked down on some Yuengling Lager (that's some kick ass 'Merican Brewski's).
We were all pretty tired from the holidays so it was a bit of a struggle to keep it pumpin' till midnight - but like people everywhere we had to see if some how at midnight, if we were awake to experience the change over, we would be magically transformed. We watched the ball drop in Times Square - asking each other - "Who are those random pre-pubescent celebrities hosting rockin' new years eve?"
We were all delighted to see that Dick Clark had been reanimated for the occasion. I can only think that poor Walt Disney must have been lonely back in the cryogenic vault.
As the ball descended to ring in 2008 we turned off the sound on the TV and opened up a window. Throughout Trenton, New Jersey revelers were setting off fireworks and unloading bullets into the sky. (Okay, it could have just been caps I have no audiological proof that there were actual bullets - I'm just going for street cred deuces).
As we drifted into sweet slumber people banged garbage pail lids together and hooted into the wee hours of the morn...tomorrow would be another day in the hood.
I'm gonna go work on my Eva Braun Shadow box...stay tuned for more "Tales from the Hood".
b-spot on the "moist as a snack cake" northern front!

The Dove of Love

Well haters the Christmas season is upon us and I've decided to give the Dove of Hate some time off in order to spread some much needed love.
My travels as a professional "filler inner" have taken me to the far reaches of Peterborough and its surrounding counties. I've encountered people from all walks of life and delighted in the
eye catching spectacles that people adorn their front lawns with at this most magical time of
the year. Many decorators fall back on the safe store made inflatable Santa Claus, Snowman or Penguin. Maybe it's an oversized motorized snowglobe for the garage roof. LED lights are slowly taking over where icicle lights use to dangle crustily in the wind. Rope lighting (once solely for strip club use) has made its way around banisters and been coiled into various holiday shapes. I applaude all efforts to decorate and spread the joy at this time of year. I appreciate a good old fashioned Griswald family christmas but I'm also a fan of the personal touch.
This past Monday we had snow squalls and freezing rain that made driving treacherous. Highway 28 was like a washboard. The dangerous conditions forced a "snow day" on our region. On snow days (for my friends in the Hood) the buses are cancelled so the majority of students can't make it to school. The schools do remain open and the teachers have to be there. I'm fortunate to be in a carpool with 3 other rockstars so I didn't have to make the trip alone. We decided to not take the backroads we often take to the school and remain on the main roads for safety sake. We took our time crawling along Dale Road and were rewarded with a
most excellent display for our efforts. At the corner of Dale Road and Toronto Roads in the tiny town of Welcome we were met with a most awe inspiring sight.
There, frozen in two feet of snow, was the sweet baby Jesus and his whole old world entourage - larger than life.
They had obviously wandered off their original "trip-tik" and become disoriented when the sands of the desert flash froze them in time.
The pictures I have taken do not do this incredible display the JUSTICE it so richly deserves! Mary, Joseph and the Three Wisemen are joined by camels, sheep and their sheperd, a donkey and a cow frozen up to its haunches in ice (which is primo but not visible in these photos). Sure they didn't have hydropoles and mailboxes in Bethlehem but the effort in this incredible home made tribute makes you see past the Super model quality of Mary being watched over by Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.
The sheperd is so real, shivering in the cold, I want to go buy him a candy cane hot chocolate form Tim Horton's to take the chill off his non-existent bones.
Oh and the Camels! Where do I begin?


I swear I can see their breath in the crisp northern air.
I can only hope that others who pass by this awe inspiring display take a fraction of the enjoyment I have this past week.
It's a graphic display with some minor historical inaccuracies, I'm beginning to wonder what they do at Easter?
So today I launch the first ever "Dove of Love" on the creators of this magnificent scene. We got to see it lit up last night on the way home and yes it was truly a thing of beauty.
I feel truly blessed to revel in it's magnitude daily.
This is B-spot on the crispy northern front saying "Stay High" the natural way!

The Classics

Things certainly are different than when I was a kid. Cursive writing is taking a back seat to word processing and power point presentations. The kids have mp3 players instead of skipping ropes and Indian Rubber balls. We worry about our kids becoming less active so the government steps in to mandate 20 minutes of Quality Daily Physical Activity (QDPA) and educators learn about Differentiated Instruction - a way of giving students variety in how they will be taught and assessed, in order to appeal to different learning styles , because we all learn differently...don't cha know?
Sure we're going to keep Standardized Testing (EQAO) how else will we hold the educators and administrators accountable?
Okay rant aside....my point is that no matter how much the curriculum changes and the world evolves you can count on one constant: kids will always be the same. I don't mean they're carbon copies of each other. I mean as children grow and mature they will find the same things funny, shocking and play the same practical jokes throughout the ages. Kids still make "cootie catchers" also known as "fortune tellers" south of the border with phrases such as "you will marry (insert name of most repulsive school mate here)" and "you smell like poo".
Oh yes, poo still makes them giggle insanely, in fact any reference to the deuce chute region will leave them spent, breathless and red in the face from laughter so intense you're certain they've ruptured something
People often say how they weep for the future...sure some kids are going down the wrong path but I'm here to tell you that at least a few of my students still think saying the word "damn" is grounds for having your mouth washed out with soap, or at least a quick trip to the principals office. Though so many of them view themselves as having seen it all, I don't doubt they've seen alot but I always need to remind myself that they are still so young.
The other day a few of my students came to me with a copy of a well used dictionary that was in my classroom.




They told me that it said something bad and they thought they should show it to me. On the first page of this dictionary some one has written in pen turn to page 201. Yeah, it's a trap but how can you resist?
I first thought...okay this is going to be the page that has the word penis or breast on it. Maybe even prick.
Sadly, I was wrong.







There boldly emblazoned in permanent ink is a textual bitch slap for all who dare to heed the enticement on the first page of this hallowed volume.
Pictured below is page 201.



After thanking them for bringing me the book I told my girls that I would dispose of the book in an appropriate manner. They seemed to want more than that but that's all I could offer at the time. I couldn't find the original culprit. They were long gone. They could be a well respected dignitary or public figure by now. There would be no forensic testing but I assured them they did the right thing by bringing this desecration to my attention. I'm glad they were so responsible and did the right thing. They are what gives me faith to keep on keepin' on. However, I can't bring myself to dispose of this dictionary. This dictionary has been through alot. Despite the fact that it's binding has torn away from its spine it otherwise remains virtually intact. It has served its public well, providing definitions for generations of students. It's a relic from another time and it deserves some respect.
So it has now taken a place of honour in my private joke repertoire. If someone's really chapping my ass that's a definite "201"!
So put that in your backpack!
B-spot on the Northern Slide!

What's up Dog?

Okay, my first guess is that Tucker Chapman did not pass his screen test to be "young, youngest blood" on Dog the Bounty Hunter. Why else would he give the enquirer a tape of his old man dropping the "N" bomb? Sure what the Dog was spewing just wasn't cool, but really is it cool to be dissing your dad in such a public manner? Cricky Bra! Just cause you didn't suckle at Beth's teats isn't any reason to air your dirty laundry in public. Doesn't the Dog embarrass himself enough sporting that candy floss mullet and having his bitch tits spew forth from his unbuttoned man blouses?
Okay, I admit...I love to watch Dog and his posse wrastling the scumwads of Hawaii. I love the intense pepper spray take downs, foul language being showered on the bail jumpers. Then the ride in the SUV where their "catch" professes their undying love for the dog and a miniature verbal bitch slapping/intervention period ensues. Always these episodes end with a crack head in tears and "...you're okay my brother" being uttered by Dog.
Well my bro's and ho's I think Dog and Tucker better crack out the "mane and tail mullet wash" cause the Dove of Hate went to an all you can eat Mexican buffet last night and they're gonna need all the help they can get scrubbing refried bean deuce out of their do's!
Later Haters!
B-spot on the chilly Northern front!

"Nee Haw Peterborough!"

Well I'm delighted to report that an empty business in downtown Peterborough is soon going to be brought back to life. The always evolving venue of Club Vibe is once again getting ready to open it's doors. Club Vibe is a fairly large venue (12,000 square feet) so keeping up attendance has been a challenge in the past. The former owners and organizers often put on all ages events to help fill this vast venue and provide a place for teens to get out and dance. Unfortunately underage drinking and filling the place to capacity have proved difficult in the past. Frankly, the flavour of the vibe wasn't anything new or exciting. Downtown Peterborough already has it's share of dance venues.
Restoration on the rather dank building is already underway and the new owner hopes to open up "CJ's Country Bar" in 6 to 8 weeks. Just in time for a Cowboy Christmas I hope!
During an interview in the local paper the new owner said..."The main bar area is 5,000 square feet and you can’t walk on it without stepping on a piece of gum. It’s that dirty. I’m doing an extensive renovation."

"Ideally I need to modernize the outside of the building. It’s an eye-sore in the downtown core," he said. "It will be repainted. I’m putting in new doors. Believe it or not there is black marble on the front of that building and I want to polish it and utilize some of the original architecture of the building."

I think it's awesome that this guy isn't just slapping up a coat of paint and hiring a coat check girl/guy. He sounds like he's going to give the old building the respect it deserves. It's seen alot of ugliness over the years.

Originally the Club Vibe building was one of Peterborough's local cinemas. If memory serves it housed two theatres, the main one on the first floor and a smaller one upstairs. I think it was the Paramount? I remember sneaking in to the upstairs theatre to watch that racy film "Grease", even though I'd paid to see something rated PG on the main floor. Good times! But enough about me and how I use to spend my $2.00 allowance.
This time around the new owner is proposing a Country Music Bar for the space. I love it. Diversity in the downtown core! We really don't need another place that plays bass laden music with monosyllabic lyrics. Sure those places have their merits but Peterborough needs an alternative and I'm pretty excited that someone is stepping up to the plate. Or moseying up to the bar...so to speak and making the investment. Clearly the country music scene has become increasingly popular over the past few years. People 18 to 35 years of age are really starting to dig the scene. It may not be everyones cup of sarsaparilla but I hope it's going to be a big hit. It's hard to see such a large store front remain empty in our downtown. It's also hard to think of all that wasted gum ground into it's dance floor.
Mr. Bob's update - due to drug charges their liquor license has been revoked. Though the restaurant remains open we're not yet sure if a dry venue will be able to survive. Maybe as a breakfast/lunch place like the Queensway restaurant? Time will tell.
Hopefully CJ's can fill the void by providing a natural way to "Stay High". Heck! I might even dust off my 10 gallon hat!
Don't fret haters I'll be back with a rant soon.
B-spot in the chilly North!

"Stay High"

Hey Deuces! Long time no blog. Things have been pretty slow around PeterPatch since the big "Bridal/Boxing Blowout" Weekend at the Trentwinds. Don't worry, lots girls are still doing their thing even though the Trent Canal system has shut down for the season. Sure, without the barrage of oversexed male houseboat renters, tips will be scarce but our girls will be okay.
Thanks for your concern.
Anyway...I was checking my local newspapers website last night and was assaulted by a "News Alert". These alerts are always highlighted on a red backdrop. I always think it's going to be something devastating to warrant such an alarming colour choice. Alas it was a report about a local business owner being busted on drug charges. I think this news alert could have been put forth with a more subtle colour like lemon or rust. Lets face it the guys not a saint so what's with sending up the flare of surprise?
I found a brief account of the story on another website and have copied it below (in rust);

A prominent business owner and local philanthropist is accused of running a lucrative drug ring out of his family pizza parlour and now faces numerous drug-related charges. Tracy Robinson, 46, along with three other employees at Mr. Bob's Gourmet Pizza and Restaurant, were arrested Monday (Oct. 15) after police searched The Queensway business and seized more than $30,000 worth of cash and drugs.
After getting over the shock that this was considered "Gourmet Pizza" (having once heard Mr. Bob's pizza referred to as "something that looked like an un-wiped babies arse), I was most struck by the word philanthropist in this short piece. I suppose you could say that his crime was motivated by his altruistic concern for human beings and their need to "Stay High" which was inscribed on every baggie of cocaine that was seized. But maybe the writer was referring to Robinson's endless supply of borderline entertainment that wafted through his bar/restaurant over the years. His establishment, which moved ever closer to a local highway over the years (I suppose that provided for easier access for suppliers and buyers) was a hub of no name talent. I applaude you Mr. Robinson for the endless parade of singers/musicians and comedians whom you gave voice to and...for the ladies you provided the counterpart to Thursdays all female review, promoting "Exotic Male Dancers". In short, something for everyone and you even served breakfast. Wow! You are a philanthropist. Sadly I don't think this champion of the people will be able to continue his good deeds where he is going. What will become of "Mr. Bob's Gourmet Pizza"? Where will all the guys with acoustic guitars and a song in their heart sing now? Will male dancers by left shivering in the cold?

Will Mr. Bob's go the way of the Bake & Make (pictured on the left) where they finally figured ya gotta bake'em before ya make'em?

Is Peterborough, like Trenton, NJ about to lose another local institution?
Only time will tell.
"Stay High" my friends - this ones for "pants down man", nobody pumps it better!
B-spot on the northside.

Signs O Change

Well folks, it's been a busy weekend in Peterborough. Once again the Trentwinds Conference Centre has been hopping 24/7. You remember the Trentwinds, home of Thursdays where you can get down with "ice cold beer lots girls"?
First and foremost this multi-faceted venue hosted a bridal show on Friday night. Cheap signs lined the boulevards in and around Peterborough all week, calling out to bride-zillas everywhere to come and get some great ideas for centrepieces...you know the ones you can always use again! As you can see the sign mavens at the Trentwinds had to squeeze a rather elongated "R" into the word Bridal to get the message out. Actually I think it might be an 8 that they worked their magic on. Just seeing this sign alone made me want to camp out over night so I could get through the doors first! Wow can you say Poppin' with Pizzaz!
All night long, the floor of the International Ballroom (I kid you not - that is the name of the main room) was draped with party favours, wedding gowns and cooing brides to be.


A mere 24 hours later after bridal dreams were fulfilled the owners were prepping for the
main event...Live Amateur Boxing.
The promoters obviously brought in their own sign, not willing to leave anything to chance, for the occasion.
Yes kids from bridal show to boxing. Just think while all of this was going on...a bevy of beauties were shakin' their money makers out back at Thursdays (where I imagine they benefited from the 600 attendees of the boxing match after the final bout).
I checked out the final results in the Peterborough Examiner. There was a short interview with one of the boxers a Timo (TNT) Smith who hails from the small town of Bethany South West of Peterborough. He was pretty pumped about winning a victory in his hometown - wait a minute isn't he from Bethany? And I quote...
“It was in my hometown and it was a big deal to have everyone come out for me,” Smith said. “Everywhere else I just care about my performance. As long as I put on a good performance I don’t care about the decision, unless I get totally ripped off but when it’s here, I really, really hope I pull it off.”
So is he saying he didn't bring his "A game" to Peterborough? I'm confused.
Oh well my main point is that it's hard to believe that a venue can go from satin and taffeta to head shots and lost teeth within the span of 24 hours. But then again many weddings go down that road as soon as the toasts are done, so maybe the Trentwinds has got it right?
I'll ponder that when I'm slow dancing with Jolene at his company Christmas party on the dancefloor of the International Ball Room at the Trentwinds in December.